To be furious with adult dd

[Nolitoad]

I have 2 dc, dd (23) and ds (13). Dd does not live at home but I had her round for dinner last night. I was in the kitchen serving up and when I brought it in I saw that she had poured a glass of wine for herself, me and her brother.

I immediately remarked on this and said ds is not allowed to drink. She said really well he is when he is with me. DS has sleepovers at her house 1-2 times per month and has done since she moved out around a year ago. When I asked her what she meant it turns out she has being allowing him to drink when he stays over.

I didn’t want to have a big row with her in front of ds so just whisked the glass away from him. Later in the evening I asked her why she had allowed him to do this she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park. I am really cross with her as he has been staying over at hers since he was 12 and she has been giving him alcohol during this time without mentioning it as she knows I would disagree. I know ds is also guilty of this and knows he is not allowed to drink so will deal with him also.

I messaged their father who said he didn’t know this was happening and it’s not ideal but it’s hardly the end of the world as we can’t micromanage their relationship.

AIBU to be really annoyed about this?

No I am not difficult to deal with, I just want common respect from her and for her not to do things that she knows I don’t approve of.

I accept that sometimes I have to be the bad guy as the resident parent and that can make his dad and her more attractive to him but that’s parenting.

Ok OP, you clearly know best. Will you stop your DS from seeing his friends when he inevitably starts drinking in the park and such soon?

Op do you have a poor relationship with your daughter? It is starting to sound like you really do and you’re going to have even worse with your son soon enough. It’s not great with their dad either it seems.

As a recovering alcoholic I can say your daughters approach (which was my parents approach) made no difference to me drinking in the park with my mates nor did it magically instilling some sort of ‘healthy’ relationship with alcohol. In fact many stories in AA start with early drinking with parents who thought making alcohol at home with parents ‘normal’ would stop potential issues around it being an exciting ‘taboo’ and that taboo leading to unsafe teenage drinking. They still ended up alcoholics and say finding that coping mechanism early on meant they relied on it and never learned heathy coping strategies.

I agree with her views on teenagers drinking in a safe environment but he's not her kid so not her choice. She can do that with her own kids

Having grown up France I can confirm that 12/13 year olds drinking wine is not at all normal.
You might occasionally have a sip of champagne or extremely watered down wine (ironically when we were very young and wanted to act like grown ups) but never wine with meals until we were in our late teens at least. Usually adults wouldn't even think to give wine to their kids, they'd keep it for themselves!
Most young kids don't like wine- the introduction is very similar to coffee (which in France is drunk espresso style).

What other ‘cool’ things is she teaching her younger brother at hers? Letting him bring girls over because sex over 16 is for prudes? Vaping? I’d have to put a stop to the sleepovers until she matures. I wouldn’t be able to trust her.

I'm fairly sure it's not malicious, but she does sound very immature for her age. I think, on that basis, I'd have to stop my young DC from staying with her for a while. Maybe give it another year and see how the land lies after that.

Is it a glass of wine with dinner or just drinking at her house?

Your DC your choice. Not your DD. I would be livid.

All the research shows that the younger people start drinking, the higher the likelihood of them developing a drinking problem in the future.

With respect OP if you don't understand what is meant by 'encouraging discussion' then perhaps you fall into the latter category of being a parent that shuts down the dialogue with your children. Your wording there of expecting her 'to look after him in line with my wishes' sounds fairly hard line and archaic. Surely you can appreciate that part of the appeal of staying at his sisters overnight other that the benefit to their relationship is that he get a little more freedom than he might with you. I would urge you not to make a battle over this. Yes, discuss the dangers of alcohol and why you don't want him drinking but don't stop him from visiting his sister. Come down to hard and you'll push him in a direction you don't want.

I also wonder (and I haven’t reviewed the evidence) if families that introduce alcohol early are also very likely to also be modelling binge drinking and/or heavy drinking AND drinking as a response to stress or a daily thing. So it’s going to very difficult to separate those factors and which is influencing heavy drinking.

Although the poster who said that we aren’t on the continent also has a point. The binge drinking culture is something children are going to be exposed to. The pressure to drink even as an adult is HUGE. (I drink very little at the moment because I get peri-migraines and people go on and on and ON about it!) Kids are going to be exposed to that. I think they probably do need to work out their relationship to alcohol with guidance. I think modelling a good relationship with alcohol is THE most important thing, and if you have that including you child in it from 14/15 is probably the way to go.

It’s a parental decision. Your daughter is out of line, even though I think she’s generally right, and DS is still too young. I would not stop the sleepovers though. I think their relationship is more important. I have no siblings and neither does my kid and having someone that can guide and help that isn’t a parental authority is such a huge bonus I wouldn’t drive a wedge for a glass of wine once a month. It’s an acceptable cost to me.

YANBU to be pissed off

But this is one of those things in life which are quite common, most people with an older relative that's close to them (older sibling, cousin etc.) will be given a cheeky drink by them at a family party at some point so I'd not say your DDs behaviour is that out of the realms of the norm either.

I'm surprised your 13 yo likes and will drink wine though, I'm 32 and still don't like the taste

YANBU, you are his parent and the decision is yours not hers.

I had a similar issue with DD, when with her father and SM gave her alcohol aged 12, and said that I was ridiculous for not letting her drink . Thankfully she doesn't like the taste of it, or how adults behave when they are drunk, so she hasn't had any since, but they made her try it aged 12 . I can't say or do anything, but was glad that she didn't like it.

I would happily drink wine with her once she is say 16+ to introduce her to alcohol in a sensible way, but fingers crossed she stays tee-total .

I was allowed alcohol at that age.

Not a good idea.

Ditto

It doesnt matter about statistics its not her child therefore not her call, shes been doing this for over a year without telling op

whats next a cigarette oh i do it to put him off-

would you all be ok with a friends parent letting them drink without telling you

YANBU - it’s not her decision on whether her 12/13 year old brother drinks alcohol - that’s your decision as his parent.

Who does she think she is to undermine you like this??!

I honestly wouldn’t have dared with my mother

you are sooooooo not being unreasonable

Will you stop your DS from seeing his friends when he inevitably starts drinking in the park and such soon?

Id have thought most responsible parents would impose consequences if their 13 year old was hanging round parks at night getting drunk, yes…

If it’s “inevitable” anyway, then what’s the point in having them drink at home too? Or are mumsnet teenagers the sophisticated continental types who rock up with a newspaper and pack of gauloises to enjoy in moderation with their box of wine next to the swings?

Your DD is a smug idiot and I’d be reading her the riot act for her reckless stupidity.

Will she be offering him a joint next?

OP ignore the people here whose “personal opinion” is that under-age drinking is ok. Medical evidence (as opposed to opinion) says it’s not. Letting your DS stay with your DD is more than many parents would do and you don’t owe it to her but if you’re all otherwise happy with the arrangement make sure your parental wishes are respected. Why on earth wouldn’t you?

Look, he's 13 y.o and having some wine with a meal is not going to make him an alcoholic. I'm a Spaniard who started having a bit of wine with lemonade when I was 10 and never had the need to get drunk to enjoy having fun with friends.

Having said this, it's up to you to decide if you want your son not to have any alcohol. Your daughter can either agree or you stop your son spending time with his sister. You really don't have much of a choice.

I think you are being quite autocratic and controlling when your son is 3 years away from making his own choices, and you contacted their father for no reason except to tell him his son had been drinking wine because his daughter gave it to him. Sorry, but this is wrong. You deal with issues instead of bringing drama (an ex) into it.

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/childrens-health/should-my-child-drink-alcohol/
I think you need to stop the sleepovers until your daughter agrees to respect your parenting rules. She’s clearly not mature enough to look after him alone