To be furious with adult dd

[Nolitoad]

I have 2 dc, dd (23) and ds (13). Dd does not live at home but I had her round for dinner last night. I was in the kitchen serving up and when I brought it in I saw that she had poured a glass of wine for herself, me and her brother.

I immediately remarked on this and said ds is not allowed to drink. She said really well he is when he is with me. DS has sleepovers at her house 1-2 times per month and has done since she moved out around a year ago. When I asked her what she meant it turns out she has being allowing him to drink when he stays over.

I didn’t want to have a big row with her in front of ds so just whisked the glass away from him. Later in the evening I asked her why she had allowed him to do this she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park. I am really cross with her as he has been staying over at hers since he was 12 and she has been giving him alcohol during this time without mentioning it as she knows I would disagree. I know ds is also guilty of this and knows he is not allowed to drink so will deal with him also.

I messaged their father who said he didn’t know this was happening and it’s not ideal but it’s hardly the end of the world as we can’t micromanage their relationship.

AIBU to be really annoyed about this?

Why is he even having sleepovers at his older sister's if this is a problem? She can cook for him and look after him, but you you need dictate what goes on?

Imagine if they watch films or play games with an age limit higher than 12!

This is how you ruin the relationship with 2 children in one go.
They were not binge drinking vodka, she gives him a small glass of wine with food once a month. If you disagree then tell her so in a civilised manner. She gave you her reasoning. Have you asked her what did she mean by 'secretly drinking in a park'? Did she do it because you haven't allowed any alcohol at home? Perhaps you should try to listen to what she has to say.

I am not sure what you mean by encouraging discussion? I discuss issues surrounding ds with his dad all the time. I don’t discuss them with her as she isn’t his parent. When he is with her I expect her to look after him in line with my wishes which she knows very well.

Don't be ridiculous. By your books your kids are alcohol drinkers then? Op has every right to decide what's best for her child.

What's her relationship like with alcohol?

How much responsibility has she had to take for him since your relationship with his Dad broke down? Wondering why she feels she's entitled to make these decisions.

If it was just cool older sis, she'd keep it a secret and sneak him sips. This seems much more about asserting how she's a better decision maker

I have siblings with a similar (slightly larger) age gap. I moved out when he was 2, and still see him daily after school now he’s in his teens.

knowing what I got up to in my teen years, I will be having a conversation about it, and if he wants to try a shandy or a cider whilst with me I have no issues with that. I wouldn’t buy it in especially but we do have it here. Saying that, I wouldn’t encourage it, or do it like it was normal, and certainly not at 12, perhaps 15?

I went to many a house party/field/woods with booze and my mates at 15 and it never ended well. I don’t want him to have the same experiences as me, but equally, I want him to know his limit so he will be safe. I don’t care whether or not my mum agrees, she doesn’t know what I got up to, and if he does go out with his mates, it’ll be me that has to go and get him and deal with it because I live way closer to his friends than my mum does.

This is unbelievable

OP - you need to parent. Urgently. And that means point blank saying that your dd doesn’t stay at his sisters until you get her explicit assurance that he will not have any alcohol at her home. Period.

stop the navel gazing. And start the parenting

What a cheeky bitch!

Why is she trying so hard to undermine you?

My dad and brother have offered ds a low alcohol beer or glass of wine since 14 at family meals (for example xmas).

They never asked me but then we have done this as a family since we were kids so I know they just assumed I wouldn't mind (I don't!)

When I was younger I'd have half a shandy at the pub with my dad from 14 - different times 🤣🤣

I would have minded if I had said explicitly not to and they ignored my requests but I've never had an issue and I don't see it as an issue.

12/13 would be too young for me.

Most interestingly though my ds has only ever tried a sip of gin about 3 weeks ago and he's 18 now.

He still has no interest and didn't at 14.

But then again I've been tee total for 10 years 🤷‍♀️

I do have the more European view of moderation with meals from a mid teen age though having lived abroad for many years and seeing that where I was at least - it seemed to work.

Your dd should have spoken to you about her views and most definitely shouldn't have taken control of providing alcohol for a 13yo in your home.

Totally agree.

Your DD is a Pickmesha.

What you completely neglect to do in the scenario out outline is talk to your siblings parents ie your parents too! To ask if they are ok with him having a shandy at yours.

I don’t care whether or not my mum agrees,

Well then you need to make that stance clear to your mother so she can then decide if she’s happy with her child stating with you and knowing alcohol will be available to him

@Doingprettywellthanks they have alcohol issues. I’ve looked after him (partially obviously) since he was born. I wouldn’t hide it from them but I certainly wouldn’t ask. I also have my own children and would be fine with DB taking the same approach with them when they are older.

so you are saying there is a family history of alcohol abuse? Are you aware that there is strong links between alcohol dependency and genetics?

Rather than having alcohol available to him, I would be showing him the example of how a family can be happy and thrive without the presence of any alcohol

My uncle started giving my cousins (then aged 13/14) an occasional beer, his reasoning being that if mild alcohol consumption was allowed and approved in his presence then they would be less inclined to go off and try it in secret. Or in a park. Etc.

One of them was bordering on full blown alcoholism by his late 20s, 4-day benders every single week and so on - though he has cut down a lot now. The other didn’t binge drink in the same way but I would still see his relationship with alcohol as unhealthy, he has a stressful job and definitely uses it as a crutch.

I think at the age your DS is, your DD has no right to be making those kind of parental decisions.

She's completely out of order and she's trying to make him side with her, the cool sister, against you, his mum. I wouldn't let him stay overnight and I'd be furious with her.

When I was 12 a lot of my friends used to hang about the park with alcoholit was often bought by an older sibling or parent who thought if they controlled it then they wouldn't drink outside the house - how wrong they were.
I didn't dare touch a drop, my parents were strict and I knew that 18 was drinking age. İt was called respect, I respected the law and my parents rules. To this day I rarely drink (special occasions only really), the same friends who I knocked about with drink like fish. Two have had long term liver problems and three are severe alcoholics.

Besides that, regardless of different views. YOU are the parent, it's your decision. I would be absolutely livid if an older sibling was allowing this going behind my back. İt's unacceptable and damn right disrespectful and if I were in that position I wouldn't be allowing son back to sleep there but this is your decision.

I am quite relaxed about alcohol but your DS is too young to be drinking and it is not your DD’s decision. I think a small amount, perhaps watered down, with a special meal from about 15 is ok. Glass of fizz at Christmas etc. I would be wary of a total ban with older teens, I remember being really sad about the case of a sixth former who died on a school trip when he got so drunk and inhaled his vomit, his peers had been too frightened of alerting the teachers about the drinking- I told my son he must always get help for drunk peers.

It's not her decision to make and she's wrong, anyway: just as putting scratchcards in stockings normalises gambling and can lead to problem behaviour, this 'French kids all drink watered-down wine' bollocks is completely unhelpful.

Totally agree with your daughters’ take to be honest but I can understand why you feel she has overstepped. Please don’t step in and restrict their relationship though - if she served him up a wine in front of you it’s not like she was being deceitful and hiding it, you just have very different opinions.

@Doingprettywellthanks i am aware yes. I binged a few times in my teens as I stated. I haven’t had more than one or two drinks at a time since turning 18. Hence me wanting to give him a safer approach to it, rather than nicking his parents spirits and replacing them with water because his mates have encouraged him to do so, and forming some sort of reliance on it - as we’ve seen happen a million times before in our family- but surely a safe and controlled environment with two responsible sober adults looking after him is much better than the alternative. It’s one half a lager shandy. If he asks. Once in a while. In about 3/4 years time.

YANBU. No more sleep overs. She's going to give him a drinking problem.

This was not for your dd to decide so YANBU.