Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with adult dd

227 replies

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 09:13

I have 2 dc, dd (23) and ds (13). Dd does not live at home but I had her round for dinner last night. I was in the kitchen serving up and when I brought it in I saw that she had poured a glass of wine for herself, me and her brother.

I immediately remarked on this and said ds is not allowed to drink. She said really well he is when he is with me. DS has sleepovers at her house 1-2 times per month and has done since she moved out around a year ago. When I asked her what she meant it turns out she has being allowing him to drink when he stays over.

I didn’t want to have a big row with her in front of ds so just whisked the glass away from him. Later in the evening I asked her why she had allowed him to do this she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park. I am really cross with her as he has been staying over at hers since he was 12 and she has been giving him alcohol during this time without mentioning it as she knows I would disagree. I know ds is also guilty of this and knows he is not allowed to drink so will deal with him also.

I messaged their father who said he didn’t know this was happening and it’s not ideal but it’s hardly the end of the world as we can’t micromanage their relationship.

AIBU to be really annoyed about this?

OP posts:
amyneedssleep · 25/09/2022 10:59

I doubt he even likes the taste of wine at 13! He's probably just drinking it to impress his sister, bless him. You're not being unreasonable at all, she's showing her immaturity by doing this and I'd be seriously reconsidering their sleepovers until she starts to understand how stupid she's being.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 25/09/2022 11:00

Wants to be liked. Changes behaviour to be liked and seen as the cool person, not like the other rule followers.

madasawethen · 25/09/2022 11:01

I'd be furious and put a stop to it.

My DS had some friends whose parents were the "cool" parents and fed the kids alcohol and pot.

Some of those kids grew up to be addicts and a couple got into harder drugs and died of an overdose at a very young age.

Put a stop to it and have a sit down talk with your DS about alcohol and drugs.

AdoraBell · 25/09/2022 11:05

YANBU she should have asked you if he can have alcohol at her house.

AdoraBell · 25/09/2022 11:06

Oops, pressed Post too soon🤦‍♀️

She should have asked you and stick to your response.

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 25/09/2022 11:11

Imagine if you sent your 13-year-old to stay with the MIL and she let him drink booze, the mumsnet collective would lose its mind!

Original poster
Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 11:12

Tigofigo · 25/09/2022 10:44

You are wrong to expect your DD to parent your sibling. Which is what you're doing by expecting her to act the same way as you would.

I was allowed to drink from a young age at home (watered down wine etc). I still went off the rails booze wise until I was mid 20s.

Age 13/14 my older sibling gave me my first cigarettes, was with me when I first got so drunk I vomited, and encouraged me to date men 6+ years older than me... My parents had no idea, be glad she's told you!

Show quote history

I don’t expect her to parent him at all. I only expected her to not allow him to do things that she knows he is not allowed and which I believe to be harmful to his welfare.

The arrangement is going to end though.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 25/09/2022 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mam0918 · 25/09/2022 11:23

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 10:23

Sorry I don’t understand what you mean by this

Show quote history

A girl whos 'not like other girl' she actively hates and sabotages other women and will desperately do ANYTHING for the admaration of men (or in this case boy).

The kinds of women that are usually home wreakers because they love 'getting one over' on another woman and 'stealing' her man etc... really its indictive of very unhealth self esteeme issues.

ancientgran · 25/09/2022 11:25

Well he's your child so you make the rules but they do get harder to enforce as 13 year olds need to be able to go out independently and have spending money.

Personally I agree with her take on it, I grew up in a pub and was allowed to try anything, when my friends got to their teens and thought it was "big" to drink alcohol I wasn't interested. Other than a glass of champagne at a wedding or other big event I've never drunk alcohol since I was a child.

MacarenaMacarena · 25/09/2022 11:31

Perhaps she could use this feeling of responsibility /mentoring role with support with homework, cultural experiences, mature discussions about current affairs, careers guidance, healthy life choices, life enhancing clubs and hobbies... If her main contribution to his life is alcohol, she sounds like she's just transferring the park drinking into her house.

PortalooSunset · 25/09/2022 11:33

"she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park"

@Nolitoad what was your approach to alcohol with her? Is it possible that she is telling you (indirectly) this is what happened with her and so she doesn't want it to happen to her brother? I'd be listening to her and taking her lead, not being furious at her.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 25/09/2022 11:36

I used to offer my kids a tiny drop of beer shandy, or a sip of Prosecco, they hated it, but it was on offer. Had they asked as teenagers to have a drink, I might have said a quarter of a glass on special occasions as they can't make these decisions themselves its ridiculous to load that onto a child. I would say by maybe 14/15 they might be sneaking some disgusting syrupy stuff at a party and throwing it up everywhere, these things happen. But to pour a 13 year old a glass of fine is fucking irresponsible. Did she light a fag for him too? There have to be boundaries, you wouldn't accept your mother or your cousin doing this for your son would you?!

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 25/09/2022 11:37

"she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way" - it doesn't sound safe to me and I think by structure she means build his tolerance! OMG I'd be furious but clearly you need to be calm to discuss it. What does your son think? Does he think he has a cool big sis and he needs to do what she is encouraging him to do?

stayathomer · 25/09/2022 11:37

many counties who treat alcohol as nothing special. Part of the meal, and let kids have it early have significantly lower issues with child alcohol abuse.
But their whole drink cover is not the same as in the UK or Ireland (where I am). You introduce them to it at home that young and they go into school and talk about it with their friends who will just see it as a 'x is allowed have it' then you have them sneaking drinks with their friends anyway!

MargotChateau · 25/09/2022 11:39

@Nolitoad not her choice to make and super sneaky. I will say I was raised by euro parents and was introduced to teeny glasses of wine with coke (if red) or soda water if white wine from when I was about that age 11/12ish, and out of all my friends I was the only one that didn’t binge drink alcohol at highschool or university. I have a very sensible relationship with alcohol now. My cousins extended family do as well. Compared to here in England where binge drinking seems very extreme to me, there might be something in that softly softly approach to alcohol.

Big however though, She has gone about it the wrong way and I wouldn’t let them have them over unless the trust can be restored.

Autumndays123 · 25/09/2022 11:40

OP, I'm getting the impression that you're quite a difficult person to communicate with and can be quite stubborn - just based on your tone and use of words here of course.

I think you are the parent and you fundamentally make the decision about alcohol. However, kicking your toys out of the pram and deliberately now trying to ruin the close relationship between your DD and DS seems to be coming from a place of spite and jealousy rather than genuine concern. Are you concerned that your DS prefers your DD to you? I would tread carefully here and do not be surprised if you are forever the 'bad guy' if you try and stop their relationship. Neither will thank you for it and you could end up with them being really close when older and choosing to distance themselves from you.

Keyansier · 25/09/2022 11:40

@Nolitoad OP, have you wrote about this before? Did you write a thread quite recently about your adult DD who is encouraging your younger son to hate you, and you hear her whispering to him about how controlling you are, slagging you off, and how he can go and live with her to get away from you?

LondonQueen · 25/09/2022 11:42

I'm surprised a 13 year old likes wine tbf. I don't think she has done anything terribly wrong. It's better to let him get a taste of it and learn his limits

billy1966 · 25/09/2022 11:43

YANBU.

Your daughter has absolutely no right to make such a judgement call.

It is illegal for her to do this.

She sounds like a juvenile moron trying to get one over on her mother.

I would stop the overnights completely until she grows the hell up.

I would be seriously pissed off at this and she would know it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/09/2022 11:45

You aren’t being unreasonable to be annoyed, but you will be very very unreasonable if you stop him going to her house - loosing a close sibling relationship is more damaging than a glass of wine, and he will deeply resent you for it.

In a years time he’ll likely be drinking with mates anyway.

I’d talk to him about it, see how bothered he is about drinking - if he isn’t ask them to collectively lay off it for a year. If he likes it ask them to stick to one small glass.

Talk to her and explain why you are angry about it, but don’t get between them.

Original poster
Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 11:53

PortalooSunset · 25/09/2022 11:33

"she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park"

@Nolitoad what was your approach to alcohol with her? Is it possible that she is telling you (indirectly) this is what happened with her and so she doesn't want it to happen to her brother? I'd be listening to her and taking her lead, not being furious at her.

My approach with her was that she wasn’t allowed it until she was 16 and only then she was given very small volumes to try.

OP posts:
Scianel · 25/09/2022 11:53

However, kicking your toys out of the pram and deliberately now trying to ruin the close relationship between your DD and DS seems to be coming from a place of spite and jealousy rather than genuine concern

And if she offers him a joint?

Thejoyfulstar · 25/09/2022 11:57

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 11:53

My approach with her was that she wasn’t allowed it until she was 16 and only then she was given very small volumes to try.

Show quote history

Totally reasonable

Autumndays123 · 25/09/2022 11:58

Scianel · 25/09/2022 11:53

However, kicking your toys out of the pram and deliberately now trying to ruin the close relationship between your DD and DS seems to be coming from a place of spite and jealousy rather than genuine concern

And if she offers him a joint?

And if she offers him heroin? And is she offers him the opportunity to become homeless? Let's not start being ridiculous. Why on earth would she start giving him drugs because he's allowed alcohol with a meal. Get a grip.

OP can do what she likes but I can 100% guarantee that if she stops her DS from seeing his sister, despite the fact she's been more than happy to cart him off there for a sleepover twice a month for the last year, it will impact OPs relationship with her children more than it'll impact the one between them.