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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend to give a friend a lift home

177 replies

MumLife90 · 24/09/2022 23:46

My friend has come over for some drinks. We were originally meant to go out but I couldn't afford it so she came to mine instead.

She said she'd get a cab home, but we live in a village and when it came to booking she was having issues.

My OH was awake as our DS had woken up. I asked if he could take her home. He was no happy about it and said he'd find a cab. My friend had already tried 3 so I said can you please just take her home. She's a female and needs to get home safe. He reluctantly agreed and is now pissed off at me!

Am I being unreasonable to ask this of him?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/09/2022 08:56

Except that she had a child to get back to, so may well have walked

so she should have been doubly certain to make sure she could get home and not wait until the last second to impose on her friends bf.

If she'd asked when she arrived, or earlier in the evening i'd be more understanding. But this is just flakey "oh someone else will take care of my lack of planning" CFery that annoys me.

My DH would have also driven her home, but he would have told her she was a CF and that it would never be happening again.

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 08:56

Yeah I’d be furious if I had to do a thirty min round trip at midnight.

featheryfancy · 25/09/2022 08:57

I don't understand some of these responses at all.
Yes I'd ask my DH to do that and he'd do so without making a big deal of it, exactly as I would for him and a friend the opposite way.
I wouldn't be thrilled about it if I'd been asleep but if the usually reliable taxi company is unable to come, it is what it is, a minor inconvenience. Neither of us here would angry at the other about it.
Is this not the sort of thing you do for family/friends?

melj1213 · 25/09/2022 08:57

YABU if only because you posted this thread whilst your BF was out dropping your friend off to ask if he was unreasonable to be grumpy as a kneejerk reaction to him not being immediately happy at having to go out to help you out, rather than just being grateful that he helped you and being understanding that he might not be best pleased at the circumstances.

As another poster has said, he can do the right thing by getting your friend home safely but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to be at least a little bit pissed off - especially in the moment - at being inconvenienced by doing so.

Your bf was in bed, whether or not he was asleep is irrelevant (when ExDH used to have friends over for a guy's night I would take myself off to our room but I didn't sleep because I could often hear them and I don't really settle if there's other people awake in the house), he was in bed for the night and was presumably just waiting for you to see your friend out so he could settle properly for sleep. Suddenly, without any warning, you come and say that your friend can't get a taxi so you're voluntelling him to drive her home, meaning he has to get up, go out in the cold and drive your drunk friend home in a 30 minute round trip late on a Saturday, at pub kicking out time, all because nobody thought to book a taxi ahead of time.

If my ExDH had done this to me then I would not have been at all happy - I'd still have driven his friend home but I would have been very clear with him that I was annoyed at the assumption - especially if there had been no communication about the possibility of a lift previously.

If you'd said "BFF is coming over, she's planning to get a taxi but if she can't or its not too late, are you alright to drop her off instead please?" then that not only gives him a chance to agree beforehand and agree the terms (eg yes but only if there's no taxis and it's before X time etc) but also means he knows not to get too settled as he may be called upon to give a lift. Even if you'd come to him after the first failed attempt to call a taxi and said ^"BFF is struggling to get a taxi, we're going to try a couple more times but if we can't get one/there's nothing available for hours, do you mind dropping her off please? I know it's late and I offered for her to stay but she's worrying about getting back to her DC"

DirectionToPerfection · 25/09/2022 08:58

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 08:56

Yeah I’d be furious if I had to do a thirty min round trip at midnight.

Furious? Bloody hell.

Getting extremely angry over minor inconveniences is really not healthy.

Darbs76 · 25/09/2022 08:59

Surely it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him, I’d be annoyed at his annoyance with me

Moveorstay2022 · 25/09/2022 09:02

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 25/09/2022 02:04

He, quite reasonably, wasn't expecting late on his Saturday night to suddenly be required to stop relaxing, take off his slippers, put on some shoes, fetch his car keys, leave the house, unlock the car, drive the OP's friend home, drive back home again, park the car, lock the car... you get the picture?

Show quote history

Wow, real taxing stuff all of that. I hope he spends the day in bed today to recover

BigFatLiar · 25/09/2022 09:11

He'd have been annoyed at me asking unless she was a good friend as I know he doesn't like being on his own with women he doesn't know. He'd have been OK with it if I went along as well, he used to do pick up and drop off when I went out with friends.

If I was out and stuck I'd call and he'd happily come and get me and drop of anyone else who was stuck.

Midnights · 25/09/2022 09:15

This thread is just a mountain out of a molehill!!

Of course he's allowed to be annoyed that at midnight, whilst up dealing with your DC he then has to deal with two drunk women who are unable to figure out taxi booking or alternative arrangements. You put him in an awkward position, he did you the favour, and you said when he was home he wasn't annoyed anymore. Surely there's no big deal?

FWIW I'd do the same for my DH and he would for me, but we plan ahead and don't drop it on each other at midnight!

happy66 · 25/09/2022 09:15

You are being too sensitive and need to chill and stop worrying. You said he was annoyed with you but he but he hadn’t even got back at that point. How Annoyed could he have been with your friend still there that he was giving a lift too.

me and my partner annoy other sometimes. But I accept that as life and so does he. We’ve been together 17 years.

Vikinga · 25/09/2022 09:15

Yanbu. I'd have no problem giving someone a lift even if they could have booked a taxi. He's being a dick

Candleabra · 25/09/2022 09:21

I’d have reacted in the same way.
I’d have given the lift but been pretty pissed off about it. I also wouldn’t want it to be a regular thing. It’s annoying when other people offer you up as a taxi service (usually to make them look good for offering)

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2022 09:23

Brefugee · 25/09/2022 08:56

Except that she had a child to get back to, so may well have walked

so she should have been doubly certain to make sure she could get home and not wait until the last second to impose on her friends bf.

If she'd asked when she arrived, or earlier in the evening i'd be more understanding. But this is just flakey "oh someone else will take care of my lack of planning" CFery that annoys me.

My DH would have also driven her home, but he would have told her she was a CF and that it would never be happening again.

They'd been trying to get a cab since 11 and had tried three places. That's hardly expecting the DP to take care of her. And i agree with prebooking but if you've never had an issue before, I can understand why they didn't.
They could have course sat up for several more hours until a taxi was available but presumably op wanted to go to bed too

diddl · 25/09/2022 09:23

I think not unreasonable to ask, not unreasonable for him to be annoyed.

It wasn't so much about her needing to get home safe as she could have stayed the night as needing to get home for her child.

Cynderella · 25/09/2022 09:24

Friend should have gone home before the driver went to bed.

It's not the driving home that's unreasonable - it's the leaving it late.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2022 09:25

I do think though if a man had asked his wife to do this when she woke to attend to the baby he's get ripped apart on here

Vikinga · 25/09/2022 09:29

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2022 09:25

I do think though if a man had asked his wife to do this when she woke to attend to the baby he's get ripped apart on here

No he wouldn't have. I'd have no problem being asked to give someone a lift under those circumstances.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/09/2022 09:39

willstarttomorrow · 25/09/2022 00:04

I think their are different types of people when it comes to lifts. I am usually happy to offer people a lift, even if out of my way etc but I think that is linked to not being able to drive for a while and paying forward the times friends helped out. Also- even if it feels a bit of an inconvenience and unless it is bloody miles, a bit of time out of my life to get a friend, or a friend of someone I care about/nice person I met on training etc home safely is not a big thing in the scheme of things. Others think differently. I am always a bit shocked whe people do not offer lifts but that is their choice. If people take the piss I get it- but some people just have no generosity of spirit (not limited to lifts).

I think MNers are different from people in real life on this. I don't drive and I'm more often being offered lifts that I don't want than having people not want to give me lifts, for example being offered lifts when I can walk 15 minutes home in daylight.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/09/2022 09:41

"My DH would have also driven her home, but he would have told her she was a CF and that it would never be happening again."

And that would be the end of the friendship so really not clever.

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 09:42

There’s a big difference between offering someone a lift in daylight or if out than someone being asked to do a thirty min round trip at midnight

and I agree if a woman got up to see to a baby and her husband forced her to do a thirty min round trip to take his drunken mate home at midnight the screams of ltb would be multiple.

pfs · 25/09/2022 09:43

She's a female and needs to get home safe

so would it be different if it was a male friend? AI think yabu for pulling the gender card, to go out alone at night is dangerous for anybody male or female.

nex18 · 25/09/2022 09:46

Yanbu, he should have volunteered not played his face about being asked. Yes booking a taxi in advance was probably the best option but he presumably didn’t suggest it when she arrived either.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 25/09/2022 09:50

To all the posters saying book one in advance, this is no guarantee whatsoever. When you prebook ask they do is put it in the system ten minutes or so before. There is no guarantee that there are drivers out. Drivers are self employed they start and finish when they want and if they've gone home by the time you're booked then they can't just magic a taxi from thin air.
So all you perfect people berating the friend for not having it booked, that's how it works.
My husband would have just given her a lift

Drivebye · 25/09/2022 09:50

In this situation I would think about how
I would feel if the roles were reversed and I would be annoyed and would refuse.

Your friend should have ensured she had transport or driven herself.

DesdemonaThreethree · 25/09/2022 09:58

Completely off topic, OP, but as you have a child, you would be better off getting married.

I would have been pissed off if I'd been expected to be a taxi at midnight, but he did it (albeit reluctantly), so the best thing is to thank him profusely and make sure you and your friend plan better and pre-book a cab next time.