To really want to be a SAHM

[Wanttostayhome]

I work PT, but I really don’t want to, I’m saying this here as I can’t stay at home. It wouldn’t be good for my career or pension and there are so many sensible reasons to work. But I don’t actually want to! Does anyone else feel the same?

@ImNotGreta

No, not nannys

Scandinavian style subsidised childcare options

Yes I'd happily pay more taxes for affordable childcare. The benefits are well documented

We pay taxes for ctc. Is etc

I know its all uc now but a lot of that goes to paying (mostly) women to work less.

I'd rather fund childcare

@Wanttostayhome it requires sacrifice, and it will make you vulnerable if anything goes wrong in your marriage, but if you really want it you need to let your husband know. I suggest that you just let him know, and not request or pressurise him, but chances are he wants you and your little one to be as happy as possible so best to give him that option. He might think of a way he can make it work, but it he feels strongly that he can’t, you probably need to go with that without any protest. I think lots of men hope they can provide this option if their wife wants it, but it’s very, very hard to survive on a single income.

If you can’t do this I think you should probably try to think of a way to move into a different job/area of work. Maybe you have a great job that you would usually find satisfying, but it sounds like you feel it’s very unimportant and it’s not that rewarding. You might not be able to move into a new career straight away but it you take baby steps towards a goal you may feel better about the whole situation, it won’t feel quite so pointless, and that you’re sacrificing time with your little one for nothing.

You know a lot of men who do all parenting outside of their work hours? You know a lot of mugs?

How so?
Why is a man a mug for taking care of his own child ?

At no point did I imply working parents do not demonstrate those values.

You'd have thought it was a good thing someone modelling those values to your child, whether it's a worker you pay or a family member.

I know it would be very near for you to characterise the counter argument as 'we don't value work, only mothering is valued'.
But that's not what is being said.
What is being said is for good child development someone has to take an active role in that child's development and that should be valued and respected, whether it's a family member or a professional.

As things stand it is not. People happy to dismiss the role sahp play and minimise childcare as a career, both by suggesting we are somehow complicit in the appealing pay we receive (see above) or that it is not as valid a job as the person who is paying us has.

Developing well rounded children benefits everyone and there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Id rather those kind of women were dragged down i bit really

Im sorry, what part of these women you dont know, do you deem justifies them being dragged down ?

I think this thread is quite sad to read. I was a SAHM whilst my children were little but went back to work when they were settled at school. I completely understand that women having high flying careers and having lots of interesting things to talk about is important but the role of the mother is too. I know as society now we have to all be equal but mothering is something that only women can achieve, your dh will never give birth or breastfeed- he will also never have the instincts that a mother does. This is not living in the 1950s, it's observing the differences between men and women .My sister worked full time when her dcs were little and they're absolutely fine and no different to my children so a woman should absolutely be able to make the choice that is best for her and her family but to undermine the role of the mother is awful. It's not about who's children turn out the best. I think as a society we've gone too far the other way and women are valued based on their careers and they feel pressure to be powerhouses when some women do want to live a simpler life and be at home with their children (although of course women shouldn't be mother's if they don't want to be)

@tiggergoesbounce

Who, in their right mind, would agree to work all day to fund a sahm then do all of the parenting outside of their work hours?

Given most stats tell us that women, working or not, do the majority of house work and childcare I just dont believe you know a lot of men who work full time, are the sole wage earners and do all of the childcare outside of work hours.

Wtf are their wives doing?

deem justifies them being dragged down

The awful sexism?

I mean people inferring its outdated to be a SAHM, are incorrect, it isn't outdated, its still quite a popular thing, many women do it.

Its ok for some women to say it is their opinion its outdated if they need to pass judgement of others, but it a current thing with many, many women doing it.

@Runningupthatroad

What does working have to do with the role of the mother?

"Work all day time fund a SAHM" - a.k.a - "Doing the job he would be doing anyway."

So dramatic and ridiculous.

@Topgub I didn't say it was it's about choice but the role of staying at home and looking after your children shouldn't be seen as something from the 50s

@Runningupthatroad

It is if you're saying its exclusively for mothers

@Topgub I gave the example in my post that my sister worked and her children are fine in the same way as mine are so it's not that one is better than the other

@Runningupthatroad

Exactly.

So I don't really get the point of your post about the role of mothering.

@Topgub my point is that it's not something from the 1950s and it's something that only women can do so it shouldn't be underestimated.

@Runningupthatroad

But that has nothing to with working or being a sahm.

@Topgub it does. I said that both options are important. There have been a lot of posts on this thread that being a sahm is outdated and my point is that it's not. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but it's absolutely relevant

@Runningupthatroad

How?

The idea that only women should be sahp is outdated

Sahp are disproportionally female because of the pay gap, and careers that are female heavy are not well paid.
This is not due to a lack of ambition or whatever. Many in education and childcare or example, are highly ambitious. They just happen to be good at and ambitious in a field that is not as valued due to structural sexism.
This is not the fault of people whose skills happen to be in those fields.
So often men end up being the breadwinners, either from being in a career that pays better, or else they have more job security because they are seen as less of a liability or disposable.
Again, every individual family will make the best financial choice for them. You can't expect them to choose to be worse of because you'd like men to stay at home.
Perhaps instead of berating sahp for their choices and expecting mw childcare workers to pick up the slack, people should focus on closing the pay gap.
And not making it the responsibility of individual women to make a choice that financially leaves them worse off.

@3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens

The gender pay gap doesn't exist pre kids and even when women are the higher earner it's still them going part time.

Oh and covid has pushed back closing the gap by decades

So how do you suggest we close the gap?

When did it become a crime for mums to look after their own children? This place is madness.

Who, in their right mind, would agree to work all day to fund a sahm then do all of the parenting outside of their work hours?

Fathers who want to spend time with their child and have equal time with them ? They love their jobs but love their kids. They dont see it as a negative or a chore, they want to do bedtime, they want to do bathtimes and play with their child. Its not hard to understand.

Given most stats tell us that women, working or not, do the majority of house work and childcare I just dont believe you know a lot of men who work full time, are the sole wage earners and do all of the childcare outside of work hours

I dont lie, nor would i need to, i don't have any "skin in the game" i value and respect working parents the same as i do SAHM. I think neither is better or worse, all brilliant.

I do know alot of dads who take over when they get in from work. Im sorry the men you know are rubbish and see as it as a negative or chore to look after their child, its just not my experience of the people we know.
We know a couple who dont pull their weight, but most want to be with their kids when they can. The wife isnt tasking them with it, they want to spend time with their kids ??

Wtf are their wives doing?

Looking after their child all day, then when dad gets home maybe makes a bit of tea etc while he plays, baths, bedtime with his child

At weekends, its normally family days.
If the dad doesn't spend time with the kid after work and weekends, when would he ?

deem justifies them being dragged down

The awful sexism?

I dont agree its sexist for a woman to have a choice to Stay at home if its a viable option, as i think a man should if he wants and its a viable option.

I just dont understand being that horid. But even if i had differing views i think it is vile to think anyone should be dragged down. We are all different, with different views and being vile to eachother does not do anyone any good and it definately doesnt encourage positive change.

@tiggergoesbounce

Spending time with your kids is not the same as taking over all childcare.

Women having the option to be a sahm if it is an agreement their oh is happy with is not the same as saying men must provide the option or they are failing as men.

Given your own oassive aggressive posting style whenever you're disagreed with I'm not sure yourd best placed to be giving out advice on positive change

Given your own oassive aggressive posting style whenever you're disagreed with I'm not sure yourd best placed to be giving out advice on positive change

Please can you give examples of my passive aggressive?? . I have given my opinion in a very non aggressive way.

I am happy for people to have different views and opinions, i am constantly saying that and saying how different views should be respected so im not sure where you are getting that from?

@Topgub oh fgs. I never said that, this thread is about women and their choices. Of course men can be sahp I never said they couldn't. I was talking about mothering being important.