To really want to be a SAHM

[Wanttostayhome]

I work PT, but I really don’t want to, I’m saying this here as I can’t stay at home. It wouldn’t be good for my career or pension and there are so many sensible reasons to work. But I don’t actually want to! Does anyone else feel the same?

Whatever gave you the impression I didn't think working mothers did those things of value or other things?
I was making the point that sahp role is of value too.
Fact is there are a lot of people claiming sahp are anti feminist on this thread and others. That's why I said so called feminists because it's not really feminism just judgement.

Fact is, as I stated earlier, different solutions will work for different families. And I would suggest that a family with true equality will work out the best solution for the family, regardless of what outsiders perceive to be best. There are ways to financially cover eachother when one partner takes up the bulk of childcare, without making anyone too vulnerable.
However, this depends on a lot of factors like whether you are married, whether you need to keep up skills, work in a demanding role incompatible with quality childcare.
The point remains. Sahp is a good solution for some. Working full time is a good solution for others. Part time is good if it makes sense for.your family.

@thecrunch

I'm not the one who brought up the argument about "valuing" raising children.

The poster @3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens said, I quote: "the endless judgement from so called feminists who don't value raising children is actually pretty patriarchal."

I have no problem with women choosing to stay at home with their children. I'm pointing out that every time this discussion comes up, someone tips up to say: "Why aren't SAHMs valued more?"

The answer is simply that SAHMs are valued as much as the next person. But there's no way to give them more of the "value" they seem to crave without undermining women who don't stay at home.

If the value that they want so much and seem not to get isn't forthcoming, it isn't the job of feminists to confer this intrinsic value on them. That's on them.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Oh no.

I'm scared to read it now!

No idea what your talking about with all this 'more value' complex. I've never heard anyone, SAHM or otherwise, talking about that? Just don't be rude, basically, is what people probably mean.

My point being it's not valued though is it? As even those that do childcare for a living are not paid a livable wage, but expected to provide cheap service to accommodate other women's choices.

Childcare is valid. Whether it's a professional or a parent and by insisting we should all be working instead of childcare you devalue the role.of raising children.

Why should someone being a SAHP be more valued than anyone else out of work?

The majority of those in the UK that do not return to work after having children do so because they don't earn enough to cover child care costs. So are no better than someone out of work for any other reason.

Childcare should be made more affordable for parents, and both parents should be empowered to stay at home if they want to

I and others it seems, take issue with posters claiming only women deserve the privilege of staying home with their kids and men not ok being responsible for 100% of their family outgoings are pathetic.

It'd be lovely if childcare was more affordable.without it impacting childcare professionals ability to earn.

The only way that is happening is if society and government start valuing the importance of early years.

That would likely mean higher taxes, better wages for childcare professionals.

But is that likely to happen? And if not is it likely because the role is not valued.

Childcare is fairly important because all studies show the first five years have a huge effect on an individual's life and potential.
It impacts absolutely everything.
Being unemployed and normal jobseeking does not have the potential to put back this kind of value into the system.
Being a carer for the older generation is more of an equivalent, but the effects are less far reaching.

No one is asking for sahp to be more valued than working parents. Differebt things work for different families and children at different times. Different stages of child development require different approaches and some flexibility is needed.

OP, you need to do what is right for your circumstances and your family.

Its ok all these people saying their examples for them, but please remember in life, you need to make decisions for you, not someone elses warped view of a whole bunch of women based on one decision they make.

You will still be an interesting person, if you were one before you had kids and if you were before you give work up.
When i worked full time, i never sat around with my friends and DH talking about work for hours, we had outside interests that continued when i stopped work, we all still love eachothers company because of those interests.

I mean, imagine having a DH or mates that if anything happened to you so you couldn't work, would then deem you boring, if thats the case, make better friends or get more interests outside of work.
But if you and friends enjoy talking about thats absolutely great and nothing wrong with that im just replying to someone implying a non working person would be boring.

It is however and should be, a joint decision i dont think you can suddenly put the sole earning responsibilty onto one individual without their 100% being happy with it.
People should be having these conversations before marriage or kids even arrive (where possible) to check you are of compatible values.

Im not sure where it stops with people who believe an equal financial contribution is required for a respectful marriage, do they always need to earn the same as their partner, the same as when they got married, can they drop 20% and still be respected, of circumstances reduces that to a drop of 80% are they then not respected any longer. I dont understand it.

I out earned my DH is the past, i didn't have any less respect for him, we are a team, i support him if he wants something i can help facilitate and visa versa.

I agree mostly with @suprima i dont find anything less attractive than a person who places value and respect on anything financial. I would love and respect the people around me no matter what they earnt. I would only loose respect for them because of their treatment of me and others.

Of course SAHM can be just as good a role model as working mums. Its ridiculous and disingenuous to think otherwise. Not having a paid job, alone, doesn't make any better or worse a parent

Both choosing to be a SAHM and working mums are doing what they think is best for their child, they are making themselves the best parents as they are doing what helps their mental health and lastly

One is not better in general than the other, just better for them.

I know it was best for me and my family to SAH, thats not to say the friends i have who went back to work are any less, they are also amazing, they are doing it their way to be the best for them and their family.
Both amazing, both different !!!

OP do what is best for your family, you can study while at home if their is a way to improve your career if you want, but just do whats best and makes you all happy .

@Thepeopleversuswork

Its just the usual sexist bile really, isn't it?

Both parents should be able to provide for and care for their children. Financially, emotionally, physically. As equally as possible

Parenting /childcare should be valued. Id say it is in our society. The govt finances it to certain extent. Provides 'free' education and early years provision.

It is entirely possible to raise children well while working. Good work life balance should be easier to achieve.

I wish I was surprised that women still cling on to such outdated beliefs but unfortunately I don't think we'll ever get past them.

Although, being a sahm is most definitely a minority now and lots of research shows a lot of sahms arent sahms through choice so maybe things are improving.

I certainly wouldn't have had kids if my oh hadn't been willing to parent them equally

@Wanttostayhome

It sounds like you have a good balance. I'd ve wary of giving that up. I'm sure your kid is fine at nursery and will be in school in no time. Think long term.

The current funded hours and the way the government find it means most childcare providers make a loss and end up working for minimum wage.

Exploiting the largely female workforce in this way is not progressive or feminist.

Less than minimum wage.

I certainly wouldn't have had kids if my oh hadn't been willing to parent them equally

Alot that i know do.
They take over the parenting after they finish work and at weekends so just as much parenting as the SAHM, no?

But you're on mumsnet, the home of deadbeat dads and useless husbands.

The reason it's predominantly female is generations of those like the OP and others on here driving ambition down in women.

It's women like this that prop up the gender pay gap and perpetuate the wrong assumptions in young girls that they don't deserve more.

Anyone with a half functioning brain can understand this concept, but they keep bleating on about how women are better placed to raise children, and men who won't support a SAHM are pathetic

I wish I was surprised that women still cling on to such outdated beliefs but unfortunately I don't think we'll ever get past them

I wish i was suprised that other women cant seem to understand, its currently happening because alot of women want to do it. So if its a current option, its not that outdated, its a current choice by many women. I do understand for some its not a choice and its a disgrace we live in a society where womens choices are taken away or devalued, but you can see why we dont have change if women are happy to just point the finger at other women for it.

I also wish i was suprised that other women are still trying to drag down those who choose differently to them.

I'd love to be a SAHM, however it would be disastrous for my career which I've started, and I have bills to pay!

@3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens

Yes I agree.

Childcare should ge fully subsidised and pay much more than mw

It's not for me at all, I would lose my mind (I'm 3mo into my second mat leave and already thinking about keeping in touch days as I miss my job!) but YANBU to want it for yourself.

But you're on mumsnet, the home of deadbeat dads and useless husbands

Yes, i forgot sorry 😞.
I was talking as if in the real world where dads are actually dads and in happy marriages with all sorts of different dynamics that work

I found that I couldn’t work and bring up my daughter as my job was intense and took up all my time and mental energy I did freelance for a while but it was heart wrenching to leave my baby at nursery for long hours. In the end I became a sahm and embraced that life. I was never bored and taught her to read and many other things. I loved that life and was a sahm for many years. Have not found it difficult to get back into work but in a totally different career Of course I sacrificed financially to do that but we just simplified our lifestyle

Odd. Are you suggesting only SAHP can model these behaviours? Because I can assure you that's not the case.

@tiggergoesbounce

You know a lot of men who do all parenting outside of their work hours? You know a lot of mugs?

And if you think that saying views like @Suprima and @thecrunch are outdated is dragging women down then so be it.

I'd rather those kind of women were dragged down a bit really

Sorry my response was to this message. You're right, they're not mutually exclusive but you seem to be suggesting that only SAHP can model these behaviours. Which just isn't true. I do all of these things too.

Ultimately, my advice to anyone would be the same. As a woman, always make sure you can look after yourself and pay your own way. Never give all your power away to another person. Never.

Subsidized by whom, and why?

I really can’t agree; no-one else should be paying for your child care. Would you honestly be happy having your taxes put up to pay towards my nanny?

Only on MN -

A man has a baby and pays for him / her to be looked after by female workers on MW for 11 hours per day. Yay that man!

A man has a baby but his wife dares to takes care of him / her. The sexist b***d!