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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really want to be a SAHM

267 replies

Wanttostayhome · 23/09/2022 20:08

I work PT, but I really don’t want to, I’m saying this here as I can’t stay at home. It wouldn’t be good for my career or pension and there are so many sensible reasons to work. But I don’t actually want to! Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
Topgub · 24/09/2022 18:00

@tiggergoesbounce

A c'mon

You've posted across multiple threads about 'people' and their awful views.

Always vague and indirect. Warning others off of listening to those 'people'

I'm not hear to change anyone's view but at least I'm upfront

Topgub · 24/09/2022 18:01

@Runningupthatroad

So, again.

I'll ask what that has to do with being a sahm or working?

tiggergoesbounce · 24/09/2022 18:05

Spending time with your kids is not the same as taking over all childcare

Well, it is really the same thing of an evening. By time the men we know come in from work its about 18.00 so its just a bit of play, tea, bath and bed. They want to do that, why wouldn't they?

Women having the option to be a sahm if it is an agreement their oh is happy with is not the same as saying men must provide the option or they are failing as men

But i never said that. Ive never once said a man is failing if they dont make it an option for their wives to stay at home, so please dont put words on my mouth, i actually think thats absurd.

Runningupthatroad · 24/09/2022 18:06

@Topgub I've told you already. It's about women having choices about what they want to do. I'm not the only person you're arguing with on this thread so I don't think it's that I've been desperately unclear

Topgub · 24/09/2022 18:16

@Runningupthatroad

Both choices are still mothering. So no. I dont see how it's relevant.

@tiggergoesbounce

They can, they should. But that is absolutely not the same as taking over all parenting outside of work hours.

And I didnt say you did. I said the people spouting the outdated views did. The ones you were defending a minute ago saying I was being vile about.

Runningupthatroad · 24/09/2022 18:19

@Topgub yes they are. I said that one is not better than the other. My god you're lovely aren't you

Topgub · 24/09/2022 18:21

@Runningupthatroad

Yes I am. Thanks!

So both are mothering. Neither is better than the other. Yet you're insisting the idea of mothering is relevant to a discussion about being a sahm?

Itsbeenabadday · 24/09/2022 18:21

I've been a SAHM for the last 4 years and just gone back to work part-time and don't think I realised how miserable I have been. It can be very isolating tbh and the weekdays and weekends melt into one I also got fed up of only talking about babies with other mums on Mat leave in the end. I think part time work is working for me atm. Could you take say 6 months out of work or look for a job that you might be happier at? We only live once! X

tiggergoesbounce · 24/09/2022 18:22

You've posted across multiple threads about 'people' and their awful views

Always vague and indirect. Warning others off of listening to those 'people'

Yes i do. Im not sure what you saying? When i see posters being vile and the barrage of nonesene that occurs thats not even relevant and just soapbox ranting, i point it out. 🤷‍♀️

I'm not hear to change anyone's view but at least I'm upfront

There is upfront and there is saying other women should be "dragged down". And you should be called out on that, its not passive agressive, its being honest and calling someone out for being vile.

Dishwashersaurous · 24/09/2022 18:28

If can afford it then do it.

Doesn't have to be for ever. Just 3/4 years and then get back into workplace.

Just make sure you keep up with your field.

And when child is three they get 15 hours and really benefit from preschool

Topgub · 24/09/2022 18:37

@tiggergoesbounce

I'm saying you're a hypocrite
🤷‍♀️

You dont call people out. You vaguely post passive aggressive shit while claiming to not post in a negative manner or criticise anyone

tiggergoesbounce · 24/09/2022 18:47

I'm saying you're a hypocrite
🤷‍♀️
But you cant substantiate that claim either. Ive been transparent and honest.

You dont call people out
I just have, i evidence that below with you on this thread. You were vile, i told you, you were vile.

You vaguely post passive aggressive shit while claiming to not post in a negative manner or criticise anyone

I have asked for an example and you cant provide one. I was very direct in my criticism of you, I quoted you and then called you out on it. How is that vague or passive agressive 🤣
Confused

No, i don't criticise anyone for having different views to myself, i dont.

I post negatively about people who have vile opinions on vast groups of people without knowing them and i call them out on it.
You can have different opinions and post them in a respectful way and discuss it. When i see people being really rude and horid, i point it out, more people should. Im not sure why you have a problem with that.Confused

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 18:48

"Women having the option to be a sahm if it is an agreement their oh is happy with is not the same as saying men must provide the option or they are failing as men."

Well there are an increasing number of men who are indeed "failing as men" in the U.K., let's face it. Men who have multiple children with various women and not a thought given to his they are going support them. Most of their energy goes into dodging the child maintenance. But never mind, women should only expect to provide for themselves anyway. Doing it all is the new hdbing it all. Can't possibly have men "working all day" to fund a woman or their child, can we? No, it's only ok to 'fund' a childcare worker on MW . Definitely not a mother.

Topgub · 24/09/2022 18:53

@tiggergoesbounce

Because you don't mean people

You mean 1 poster

Bhai I cba with a back and forth with you about it, or hunting back over all the threads, there's an example a few pages back on this one though. You clearly won't acknowledge your behaviour is as bad as the ones you think you're calling out. Rude indeed

3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens · 24/09/2022 19:01

The andwer to the gender gap is not paying those in childcare less than minimum wage.
It's not my responsibility to solve the gender pay gap, I'm just pointing out there are multiple reasons why women tend to be the default caregiver.

I think a lot of people need to put their money where their mouths are and if they don't believe insahp, they should pay their childcare workers a decent wage.

Outsourcing childcare to someone who can't afford their own childcare because you pay them so poorly is not progressive.

Slagging off women who choose to spend time with their children is not progressive.

Insisting those of us who earn less or choose to be sahp are not ambitious enough is quite frankly, knobbish.

Some women want to raise their own children in their formative years. Some want to outsource it to professionals. Both choices are fine. Get over it.

tiggergoesbounce · 24/09/2022 19:06

You mean 1 poster
Who do i mean?? Talk about vague.

Bhai I cba with a back and forth with you about it, or hunting back over all the threads, there's an example a few pages back on this one though. You clearly won't acknowledge your behaviour is as bad as the ones you think you're calling out. Rude indeed

No of course you CBA, its because you cant substantiate it. Throwing out falsehoods again. Ive substantiated my claim by posting your quote.

Topgub · 24/09/2022 19:07

@3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens

Yeah, you know fine well that saying some women want to outsource the raising of their children is just as 'knobbish' as saying sahms lack ambition

3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens · 24/09/2022 19:11

Obviously I have no problem with parents outsourcing childcare to professionals, seeing as that was my livelyhood.

Topgub · 24/09/2022 19:13

@tiggergoesbounce

I've given examples without exact quotes and you said, yeah, I do that. I'm calling 'people'out.

So you obviously knew what I meant.

I find your posting style as critical and rude as you claim 'others' is.

Next time I see a direct example I'll point it out for you.

Topgub · 24/09/2022 19:13

Childcare is not raising

Topgub · 24/09/2022 19:14

You clearly have a problem with them not paying you enough.

tiggergoesbounce · 24/09/2022 19:14

Slagging off women who choose to spend time with their children is not progressive

Exactly, but id say slagging off any woman for her choices on this is not progressive and only futhers the issue as a whole, as it halts or "muddies" the discussion of making it better for women in other ways. Its lazy to blame other women and trying to drag them down.

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 19:17

"Childcare is not raising"

Can you specify the difference?

Topgub · 24/09/2022 19:19

@thecrunch

Parental responsibility.

tiggergoesbounce · 24/09/2022 19:20

I find your posting style as critical and rude as you claim 'others' is
I cant help how you interpret my words. Just take them literally, dont interpret them as what you think i mean.
I say what i mean you don't need to interpret in any other way.

Next time I see a direct example I'll point it out for you

Yes if its a direct quote i will listen.
If its what you think i mean, i wont, as i see you telling people what you think they mean or turning what they say.
So direct quotes please if you are going to bother.