To really want to be a SAHM

[Wanttostayhome]

I work PT, but I really don’t want to, I’m saying this here as I can’t stay at home. It wouldn’t be good for my career or pension and there are so many sensible reasons to work. But I don’t actually want to! Does anyone else feel the same?

Aren't parents allowed to view their children as anything other than amazing sometimes?

Do you believe only men should work, @thecrunch?

No, this makes no sense at all. I was on full pay for six months and then went back to work, why would my DH have possibly expected to need to support me financially when I didn’t suffer any reduction in pay?

This thread is quite something now. Where’s @topgub when you need her….

I took a year's break while the DC were very young and I work flexibly now. I can understand the value of being around when DC are young and I would also argue that there is a need to be present when they're teens, but I would struggle with the idea of not working at all.

Why a woman in this day and age would leave herself so at the mercy of another person for her day-to-day financial wellbeing is beyond me. Aside from the risks of a relationship break-up what happens if your partner becomes ill. I want my DC to see me contributing equally to the household financially as DH, if only for them to see that women can earn the same as men.

By 'type' of woman - a man would.hopefully know who he is about to get pregnant and have a conversation. If he wants a SAH wife, but it's obvious she is not that way inclined, then that won't work will it? Similarly, if he wants s wife to bring money in, don't get involved with a woman if she tells you she would want to look after the baby herself. Different strokes for different folks.

Supporting your family financially is something that men should expect to do for a given period because they are better placed to do that in the early years if a child's life.

What have I just read??

Being a SAHP should be a joint decision. Both parents need to be on board.
You shouldn't just look at your immediate finances either but make sure you've considered how this will impact you in the future.
So many women struggle financially in their later years so protecting yourself is vital.

But @thecrunch women don’t fall neatly into these boxes you know?

Some women are incredibly career oriented until they get married and stop forever after children. Some have multiple children and go back to work after long career breaks. Many women are forced to work out of financial necessity. Most are somewhere in the middle.

The idea that you identify a woman as “the working type” versus “the SAHM type” is ludicrously simplistic.

Yes I know women don't fall into categories and neither did babies which is my whole point that if you're going to have a family, as a man, you should be prepared to financially support them - if need be. Have a plan. Otherwise wait.

I thought men were supposed to look out for women who want to work?

But now all of them need to plan for their wife deciding to become a SAHM?

Good lord

Why are men supposed to look out for women who want to work?

Your last line is exactly what I think some SAHPs don't quite understand or appreciate

I benefitted so much from seeing my mum and dad work, I learned that women can earn as much, if not more than men, I have so much respect for my mum and out of all those I went to secondary school with those with the SAHPs are the ones with the lower paid jobs now as adults.

Yes a selective sample, but my year group was over 1000 kids so a pretty decent sample

Not sure

That was your point though wasn't it

That men who don't want a SAHM as a wife need to make sure they only breed with women who want to work

But now all men need to be prepared to have to support a SAHM

Which is it?

You have misunderstood pickledeggnog.

If, as a man, you are not willing to fully support a family (or if you are one if these marvels of men who wants to retain his own bank account), then you had better find a woman who looks like she would rather eat her own arm than SAH.

If you are a man who does not want a wife who is going to prioritise her career, or who isn't sure, then you'd better be prepared to financially support your family then. Have a plan.

Im a SAHM, DC are 10,12 and 14. I left a good career. I went back when youngest started school for a couple of years but it wasn't worth it after childcare was paid for. The stress of running around dropping collecting was a hassle too. I'm much happier at home. I do receive a substantial income due to ill health not UK based which pays for the weekly shopping my car payment,diesel and gas and electricity. My DH has a very good job ,we bought out house 12 years ago so the mortgage is very manageable. My DH also gives me 200 euro a week for myself. I also have two pensions that I have continued to pay into. They won't be worth a huge amount but will be a bit extra when the time comes. It works for us. I love being able to drop and pick them up from school. They come home to a nice clean,cosy home and a nice dinner. I have time for them because I'm not trying to juggle a job.

That only works if you have a decent earning potential in the first place.
For example, those of us in childcare are paid a pittance, so going back to work and paying someone to raise our children when we are uniquely qualified for it makes no sense at all.

Bottom line is different things work for different people. I have an accountant friend who earns more than I would working full time in two days work. She needs to keep her skills sharp. It works for her.
If I went back to work my wage wouldn't cover one child, let alone two and I'd be looking after other people's children for a wage and then paying for someone to look after mine and being financially worse off.
It's going to be very unique to each individual's.circumstances and the endless judgement from so called feminists who don't value raising children is actually pretty patriarchal.

You can also be thrown massive curve balls like having a child with a disability, pnd, grandparent childcare falling through and suddenly your plans can change.

People need to stop putting a value judgement on everything and help.others with constructive advice to work out what is best for that particular family.

@3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens

Well yes it depends on earning potential

As said in my first post the OP is currently PT so clearly not the most ambitious human to begin with, so going from that to SAHP isn't going to be that big an issue.

But for many they want to work, they want to be good role models to their children (daughters in particular) and that should be something people view positively

100% THIS

@3rdOfHisNameBreakerOfPens

It's going to be very unique to each individual's.circumstances and the endless judgement from so called feminists who don't value raising children is actually pretty patriarchal.

It is down to individual circumstances and you raise a very good point about childcare and the difficulty of covering the cost if you're in a low-paid job. And its particularly scandalous that childcare is paid so badly and something which is relevant to this debate.

But this comment about "so called feminists who don't value raising children" is completely erroneous. Feminists believe its very important women to have financial independence, because many of us have seen first hand what can happen when they don't.

Whether or not you "value" raising children is worth unpicking: it's always trotted out on all of these threads that people should "value" the work a SAHM does more but no one has yet suggested an efficient way of "valuing" raising children which doesn't undermine women's financial independence. If by "value" you mean acknowledge that raising children is hard and important I think most people do that anyway. If by "value" you mean women who look after their own children are somehow superior women who work and use paid childcare, that doesn't work for me because it leads inevitably back to the idea that its preferable for a woman to remain with her children and not do paid work.

And because feminists believe financial independence for women is important it is always going to be problematic when someone insists that its more "valuable" for a woman to do something which precludes her from being economically independent.

But none of this means "feminists don't value raising children". This is a complete strawman argument.

You can be a good role model for your child whilst being a sahp. They aren't mutually exclusive.

Modelling being part of the community, self care, valuing domestic skills, developing emotional skills, sharing reading, practicing everyday numeracy like measuring and handling money, facilitating social skills.

You may not value these as an adult, but they are very important for child development and the child actually physically sees you doing a lot of them, so it's an active lesson.

Yes going out to work can be a good model, but it's not the only one.

YANBU to want to be a SAHM, but you need to ensure financially you can cope and your partner is ok with taking on the full financial burden of the household.

It's going to be very unique to each individual's.circumstances and the endless judgement from so called feminists who don't value raising children is actually pretty patriarchal.

I was with you until this ridiculous comment.

Do you think working mothers don't also model those behaviours?

It's not a competition - thepeople. Why are you making it into one? Different roles, different values. You can value the role of a SAHM and also value the role of a working person. The two are not mutually exclusive. I find this a strange and insecure argument.

Kind of both sides of the coin here. We planned for me to be sahm but actually has turned into having 4 kids and now I work with my husband for his business that he has grow. So instead of home duties I'm doing that with 4 kids on top of working from home at the same time.

So what is your job now? What does your OH do? Can you afford to drop an income? Will it be difficult to go back? Do you want to go back or start something else eventually?