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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really want to be a SAHM

267 replies

Wanttostayhome · 23/09/2022 20:08

I work PT, but I really don’t want to, I’m saying this here as I can’t stay at home. It wouldn’t be good for my career or pension and there are so many sensible reasons to work. But I don’t actually want to! Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
IhateHermioneGranger · 24/09/2022 11:43

Same1977 · 24/09/2022 08:46

Much say in what ? We both work full time.

Show quote history

It sounded like your husband didn't get much input in the matter when you decided not to work. Going by the post anyway.

hoovermanouvre · 24/09/2022 11:47

IhateHermioneGranger - the pp is saying she imagines her DH WOULD have been resentful IF she has been a SAHM as she wanted to be.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 12:00

God no I would never have chosen to stay at home permanently. In an ideal world maybe for two years. But no. I love my DD to the moon and back and I love spending time with her but the idea of not having a life outside of that is not appealing at all. I would be incredibly bored, restless and frustrated.

You seem well aware of this as well so not going to labour the point but also its financially extremely unwise.

It's a shame that it has to be so all or nothing for many people and I would like a bit more work/life balance but not working at all no thanks very much.

IhateHermioneGranger · 24/09/2022 12:21

As you only do three days I would say just keep to that and make the most of the days off you have with DC instead? Best of both worlds and you stay in employment.

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 12:25

If you're working pt already I can understand it

Most with ambition though would find it mind numbing - myself included

rainbowandglitter · 24/09/2022 12:33

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 12:00

God no I would never have chosen to stay at home permanently. In an ideal world maybe for two years. But no. I love my DD to the moon and back and I love spending time with her but the idea of not having a life outside of that is not appealing at all. I would be incredibly bored, restless and frustrated.

You seem well aware of this as well so not going to labour the point but also its financially extremely unwise.

It's a shame that it has to be so all or nothing for many people and I would like a bit more work/life balance but not working at all no thanks very much.

This!
It makes me feel ill to think of being dependent financially on someone else. I love working, I love that I've earned everything in my life. Everything I have I've got for myself.

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 12:36

Personally OP, I think if this is what you desperately want and what your child is distressed then your DH needs to step up for a few years and support his family. Even an extra year would make a difference. Not all women have it in them to be SAHMs and he should respect that the woman he married and got pregnant actually does have this in her and he should be proud to support you.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 12:44

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 12:36

Personally OP, I think if this is what you desperately want and what your child is distressed then your DH needs to step up for a few years and support his family. Even an extra year would make a difference. Not all women have it in them to be SAHMs and he should respect that the woman he married and got pregnant actually does have this in her and he should be proud to support you.

But why should it purely be down to the DH to "step up"? Where does it say that financial support for a family should all fall on one person's shoulders?

Also where are you getting the idea that the child is "distressed" from? From what the OP has posted the child suffers from the routine separation anxiety that small children sometimes have when saying goodbye to the parent at nursery handover. Nothing to suggest its enough to justify the OP giving up work.

There might be scope to work less but the idea that all the financial responsibility for the household should fall one one of the parents shoulders just because the kid cries at handover seems a bit extreme.

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 12:54

Well it may seem extreme to some, but it's not really. If you're going to have a child with a woman, you need to factor in that she may actually (shock) wish to be with her child for a few years. This is nothing radical. It is to be expected and most men would not need that to be explained to them.

Thestagshead · 24/09/2022 13:02

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 12:54

Well it may seem extreme to some, but it's not really. If you're going to have a child with a woman, you need to factor in that she may actually (shock) wish to be with her child for a few years. This is nothing radical. It is to be expected and most men would not need that to be explained to them.

Nonsense is it expected it’s not the 50s. Good god.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 13:14

@thecrunch

It is to be expected and most men would not need that to be explained to them.

I don't think its to be expected at all. Three quarters of mothers in the UK work these days so most men clearly do not have this expectation.

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:16

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 12:54

Well it may seem extreme to some, but it's not really. If you're going to have a child with a woman, you need to factor in that she may actually (shock) wish to be with her child for a few years. This is nothing radical. It is to be expected and most men would not need that to be explained to them.

Christ, the 1950's called

They want their attitudes back

Most women work, most women want to work,even when they have children

Why should the husbands be expected to get a better job to accommodate their wives staying home.

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 13:18

If you are going to have a child with a woman you have to expect that there a certain circumstances that may mean she will not return to work on a set timescale - eg. PND, complications - all sorts of things. Or she may just not want to. If you don't factor this in or are not prepared to support a family, even for a few years - don't have children. Simple as that. That is the way most men I know would see it, inc my own husband.

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:26

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 13:18

If you are going to have a child with a woman you have to expect that there a certain circumstances that may mean she will not return to work on a set timescale - eg. PND, complications - all sorts of things. Or she may just not want to. If you don't factor this in or are not prepared to support a family, even for a few years - don't have children. Simple as that. That is the way most men I know would see it, inc my own husband.

Jesus this is the most outdated crap I've seen on here for a while

Am betting you're in the AIBU majority (55-75yo)

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 13:35

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 13:18

If you are going to have a child with a woman you have to expect that there a certain circumstances that may mean she will not return to work on a set timescale - eg. PND, complications - all sorts of things. Or she may just not want to. If you don't factor this in or are not prepared to support a family, even for a few years - don't have children. Simple as that. That is the way most men I know would see it, inc my own husband.

There's a huge spectrum between a woman being unable to work due to PND and just "not wanting to".

Of course lots of women want to and need to take time off shortly after having a baby for a multitude of very valid reasons, which is why we have statutory maternity pay and a breadwinning spouse should absolutely step up to support them for a period of time.

But that doesn't mean a mother can decide unilaterally after having children that she doesn't want to work again and that her husband needs to support this indefinitely.

Suprima · 24/09/2022 13:35

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:16

Christ, the 1950's called

They want their attitudes back

Most women work, most women want to work,even when they have children

Why should the husbands be expected to get a better job to accommodate their wives staying home.

Show quote history

Women need to make their own personal choices- but I’d find a man who would be resentful about his wife being a SAHM an utterly pathetic person and a poor specimen to breed with. Any man who thinks ‘WhY sHoUlD sHe STaY aT hOme?!?’ and would be jealous was literally not worth the risk of dying in labour.

The man who would be resentful is not the poor, little, equality-between-the-sexes lamb who you are idealising in your head. He’d probably leave all life admin to his wife, opt out of childcare when he was home and be strategically bad at cooking and using the washing machine.

My husband obviously was very happy for me to return to work and pay nursery fees- but equally sees the benefit and value of a person being at home. I have chosen to be a SAHM for a few years because my well-paid career can be returned to at any time. It was completely my choice.

However, vagina would dry up forever more if he wanted me back at work, pumping in the toilets and doing nursery runs solely because of any perceived resentment, or wanting me to pull my financial weight. That’s a man who will never value any of the invisible work that women do without a single quibble.

I think some people struggle to get their heads around the fact that some women want to stay at home with their kids whilst they are small and that is happily valued by their husbands. But I think that’s a side effect of shagging and pandering to selfish men who would not extend the same courtesy to them if given the chance.

IhateHermioneGranger · 24/09/2022 13:36

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 12:36

Personally OP, I think if this is what you desperately want and what your child is distressed then your DH needs to step up for a few years and support his family. Even an extra year would make a difference. Not all women have it in them to be SAHMs and he should respect that the woman he married and got pregnant actually does have this in her and he should be proud to support you.

What if he were to lose his job and put OP's family in deep trouble? At least if OP keeps her job there is a back up.

What if he doesn't want to bear the tremendous burden of being the main provider?

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:36

@Suprima

And I consider women who aren't willing to get better paid jobs so their husbands can stay at home are pathetic

Suprima · 24/09/2022 13:37

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 13:35

There's a huge spectrum between a woman being unable to work due to PND and just "not wanting to".

Of course lots of women want to and need to take time off shortly after having a baby for a multitude of very valid reasons, which is why we have statutory maternity pay and a breadwinning spouse should absolutely step up to support them for a period of time.

But that doesn't mean a mother can decide unilaterally after having children that she doesn't want to work again and that her husband needs to support this indefinitely.

Show quote history

A man who can afford to support his family but wants his wife to get out there and pull his weight because it’s unfaaaaaaaair literally doesn’t deserve access to a woman’s vagina or womb

And these type of men are never 50/50 around the house. So by breeding with them you are mugging
yourself off both ways 🤡

Thestagshead · 24/09/2022 13:38

Suprima · 24/09/2022 13:37

A man who can afford to support his family but wants his wife to get out there and pull his weight because it’s unfaaaaaaaair literally doesn’t deserve access to a woman’s vagina or womb

And these type of men are never 50/50 around the house. So by breeding with them you are mugging
yourself off both ways 🤡

Show quote history

Wow. Just wow; it’s like the 50s never left.

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:40

@Suprima

Why do you think it's the men who want their wives back to work?

Most women want to go back to work.

You really are something else, with such odd views I feel for your children

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 13:43

What 'tremendous burden?' All he's going to be doing is the job he's doing anyway. Why is supporting your wife and child suddenly "tremendous."

Do men give birth, risk their lives and health, experience the guilt and stress so many women feel about having to put their babies in childcare (as evidenced in this thread)? No they do not. So the onus is in then to step up in other ways. That's life. If they are not ready to support a family (if need be) then they have no business getting a woman pregnant in the first place. Too many women pander to useless men these days. It's getting ridiculous. And no I am not 70. I am 45.

Suprima · 24/09/2022 13:44

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:36

@Suprima

And I consider women who aren't willing to get better paid jobs so their husbands can stay at home are pathetic

Why are you comparing apples and oranges? why are you so desperate to eradicate the dyad and completely disregard the uniquely female experience of childbirth?

You think you are the liberal one, and everyone who disagrees is stuck in the 50s- but all you have really done is drank the patriarchal kool-aid which does not value unpaid labour.

Thank god this is all an argument on a message board for me and not reflected in my own life

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 13:45

thecrunch · 24/09/2022 13:43

What 'tremendous burden?' All he's going to be doing is the job he's doing anyway. Why is supporting your wife and child suddenly "tremendous."

Do men give birth, risk their lives and health, experience the guilt and stress so many women feel about having to put their babies in childcare (as evidenced in this thread)? No they do not. So the onus is in then to step up in other ways. That's life. If they are not ready to support a family (if need be) then they have no business getting a woman pregnant in the first place. Too many women pander to useless men these days. It's getting ridiculous. And no I am not 70. I am 45.

Why is it up to men to support a family

Why are you not also saying women who don't bother to work hard and save before getting pregnant have no business getting pregnant?

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 13:45

@Suprima

what makes you think its always the man driving the woman going back to work? You do understand that a large number of women want to work in order to preserve some financial independence?