Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

234 replies

offputtt · 23/09/2022 19:34

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

OP posts:
Everydaywheniwakeup · 23/09/2022 19:39

I'm sure a kid can miss the odd swimming lesson, so that's a bit crap. However, my current calendar situation is booked up until the end of November because I've got things planned in that are not just a swimming lesson. I've got gigs, a weekend away, birthdays for a few people etc. I wouldn't be cancelling preplanned things to go for coffee with someone, unless you were my best mate.

HairyMothballs · 23/09/2022 19:39

sod that, if "friends" are so busy that they can't meet up for months, they aren't really proper friends. I know someone like that - she asked to meet me for coffee, I saw her in April, and haven't heard anything since. She texted me the other day, said let's meet up next month. I told her I'm busy. I've got better friends than her anyway.

Danikm151 · 23/09/2022 19:42

It breaks my heart to ask a friend to do something and they say I don’t know what we’re doing yet. Translation, I’m hoping for a better offer.

i’ve stopped asking

Bretonbear · 23/09/2022 19:43

You're not a priority to 'friends' like that, you're an option. I'd cut ties and move on.

Original poster
offputtt · 23/09/2022 19:43

Bretonbear · 23/09/2022 19:43

You're not a priority to 'friends' like that, you're an option. I'd cut ties and move on.

Right ? And then I'm supposed to feel bad for not making an effort to come to their big events. When they're never there for mine ? No thanks.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 19:58

There are only 4 weekends in most months. By the time you've seen both sets of grandparents that leaves you with 6 days, if they live close enough.
By the time you've had a couple of family days, that leaves you with 4.

In that time you also need to do washing, make packed lunches, clean the house, do the kids homework, attend a couple of parties, take kids to swimming lessons and football matches, spend time with your spouse - and then also maintain relationships with family and friends. It's pretty easy to get booked up.

cansu · 23/09/2022 20:01

I agree. If people are so busy, I am really not that arsed about making 'a booking'.

AlwaysGinPlease · 23/09/2022 20:02

@Danikm151

Same here. It's just so rude. We have a couple of old friends that we have a great time with but they're like this. We stopped asking in the end. Then after a while they asked us to meet up on a weekend that we already had plans with other friends. I said we were busy and they were so put that we weren't available at the drop of a hat.

The wife actually said something along the lines of well you do know you won't get the opportunity to see us for ages... like we should cancel the plans we had with our friends so we could see them... because that's what would they do.

bakermummy21 · 23/09/2022 20:16

And then you find out they see other friends on a very regular basis

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/09/2022 20:19

I literally don’t have a free weekend until after Christmas after this weekend…

hangingbagger · 23/09/2022 20:20

YANBU, I used to have a friend who described me as one of her closest friends, she would never ever be available for at least a month - no kids, no big responsibilities (I have both and always moved heaven and earth for her requests of special occasions).

We are no longer friends

BlooberryBiskits · 23/09/2022 20:23

cansu · 23/09/2022 20:01

I agree. If people are so busy, I am really not that arsed about making 'a booking'.

^ this. My ‘best’ friend (of 20 years, who lives 20 mins away which is close by London standards) is unhappy as we have not met for 2 months (I changed plans to meet due to wanting to attend some events re funeral of HMQ).

If people are so inflexible or you are so low down the list of priorities it’s telling you something!

All my friends are 40 something professionals, most have 1-3 kids: IME it should be possible to arrange something in 3-4 weeks max if you actually DO want to meet.

Mangogogogo · 23/09/2022 20:25

We have a friend like that in our group and she just stopped getting invites from everyone tbh! Sad isn’t it.

the rest of us are more like ‘takeaway tomorrow with the kids? Yup.’

EleanorRavenclaw · 23/09/2022 20:27

I find this too and I hate it. I even have it with my SIL who is lovely but books her time weeks if not months in advance and like PP I’ve stopped asking. I’ve said to DH that if my family treated him like his treat me I would be mortified. I have friends I see so I have started to value the friendships that value me and not chase the ones who don’t.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/09/2022 20:27

I would do this. Because, shoot me now, I have lots of friends.

neverwakeasleepingbaby · 23/09/2022 20:29

Sorry I'm this person 😬 as someone said, there just aren't that many weekends in a year and once you've seen family regularly it takes a while to see even close friends

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/09/2022 20:33

YANBU - I have quietly given up on friends who are fully scheduled for months ahead. I also don't actually believe they don't have time. The friends I see often are just as busy, but they make time even if it is just parkrun and then a coffee while the kids play for 20 minutes.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/09/2022 20:35

the rest of us are more like ‘takeaway tomorrow with the kids? Yup.’

Yes! My favourite friends are low key.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 23/09/2022 20:37

Sorry but this is me!

I’ve never been that person that you can just message to say ‘are you free tomorrow/next week?’ My calendar is booked up until November and I’m currently on maternity leave!

If I’ve planned to just have a chill day with my kids then that’s what I’m going to do. Some people just do things differently

NoBackchatHere · 23/09/2022 20:39

Yanbu

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/09/2022 20:40

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/09/2022 20:19

I literally don’t have a free weekend until after Christmas after this weekend…

🥇

Original poster
offputtt · 23/09/2022 20:40

DoubleBuggyDriver · 23/09/2022 20:37

Sorry but this is me!

I’ve never been that person that you can just message to say ‘are you free tomorrow/next week?’ My calendar is booked up until November and I’m currently on maternity leave!

If I’ve planned to just have a chill day with my kids then that’s what I’m going to do. Some people just do things differently

So you would 'plan' a chill day with your kids and tell people that you're busy that day ?

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/09/2022 20:45

YABU.

Life is busy. I try to keep a weekend evening free a month but I'm not going to keep space just in case someone wants to do something closer to the time. If they valued me, they would plan in advance.

Sometimes I'm bloody knackered so I may be "free" on a Saturday night but I just want to laze in my pyjamas and watch Mastermind! It doesn't mean I don't appreciate anyone.

I think I've got one weekend in October free then pretty full on until after Christmas with various festive things, birthdays, work etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2022 20:46

I think it depends how local, what you both work etc, how many of you there are and what you want to do.

We have a weekend away Oct planned in July and we STILL don't know if its 5 or 6. That's OK, we understand. However the one who can't come also text with two days notice to do something another time so I just get that it's complicated and she fits us in as and when, but she loves us.

My best friend and I used to book it in months in advance and then slip in other meet ups when we could but at least we'd have something booked in every other month.

I'm not booked up every month but if I had to work against a similar calendar I can see how it could be really hard to find a date.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 23/09/2022 20:54

YABU.

In our house, we both work full time. Our child has a Saturday morning class (that we are happy to miss if needed), however, we have 2 weekends without firm plans both days between now and mid-January. We have plans with family, a few days with friends, kids birthday parties, our own family birthdays, then we are straight in to Xmas events that we had to commit to and book months ago to get child friendly slot times, then there's school events, a day or two where we have planned to be home and nest and we also have to squeeze in some things that need doing around the house such as painting/maintenance/clearing loft before some work on house/tidying garden for the winter. There's then time for the weekly shop, I need to find time to go am buy some winter gear for a holiday, we have dogs that need walking/Grooming and we also squeeze in things like haircuts at weekends. Our friends are all similar and there's a mutual understanding that life is just constantly busy. I sit down with my best friend a few times a year and we plan in dates months and months ahead, because they also have similar commitments. It isn't because we wouldn't love to see them every few weeks, it's that we are squeezing everything except work and school and after school clubs in to those two days a week. It isn't anything personal at all.