Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

It seems to me that most mumsnetters have huge circles of friends and large families.

Aren't there any with small families and just a small circle of friends?

in the end we make time for the people and activities that matter to us.

I tend to think that:

• Some people will choose to spend their spare time only with their kids, partner and on home admin. Friends don't really matter to them and they just expect people to fit a little gap in their ''busy schedule'' at their convenience because they are so, you know, busy...

• Others see having a social life as something important too and are able to still make time to see their friends and be there for them when needed. They understand that friendships like any relationships take some work and nurturing.They also tend to be people who realise that it is healthy to have your own interests and friends rather than always rely on your partner.

I usually only bother keeping in touch with the second category.

I leave the first group of people to their endlessly mundane life. It is interesting that once their kids have grown up a bit and they might start having issues with their relationship in middle age they will usually complain that they don't have any friends to talk to...

YABU. This is me too. I work full time Mon to Fri, im tired after work, want to go to the gym/exercise/ have my dinner/ decompress. There are 2 days in the weekend. I have family, my hobby, my pets, my boyfriend, lots of friends, and sometimes just want time for myself. That's how people can't see people for months. I have the same with my close friends too, but we all "get it".

That's totally acceptable though @Lemons1571 as you have a valid reason for being busy & not knowing which days you'll be free. We looked round Unis last Autumn and saw 8 I think between May and November. Then there were offer holder/applicant days the following spring for the 4 Unis my DD got offers from. Exhausting! I think the OP means vague excuses 'we're not sure what we're doing yet' with no explanations as to why they might be busy every weekend....I find a lot of my friends have less free time now (since Covid) or maybe just CBA to meet up etc/prefer to be at home. If I don't message people nothing gets arranged. I'm waiting for a local close friend to message & ask how my DD is settling in to Uni & trying not to feel offended she hasn't messaged me for a couple of weeks. My DD going to Uni is obviously a priority for me but not nearly as important to my friend.....

Rather passive aggressive nasty post.
I don't see anyone posting the only rely on their partner for socialising.

I don't have children and my husband is disabled; I work full time.

Many of my friends have children/work shifts or have their own lives going on.

I want to book in advance so we can go to events/more of us can turn up and also I want notice myself as I have shit to do on the weekend and need to plan personal stuff

I am not able at this point in my life to do spur of the moment stuff, but am not resentful of people that can and don't feel left out

Bit odd you are very narrow minded you can only see 2 options.

Most people actually have a balance of the 2.

I spend time with my ds but equally I'll go out with friends.

I take him to swim meets (which can involve driving for hours) some weekends.

I meet family other weekends.

I see friends some weekends.

But I have about 8 different friends/ friends groups.

So if I was free every weekend I'd have 2 months of social engagements with just friends.

Except I'm not. I need some weekends to just do nothing and just be.

I need some for DIY jobs.

I need some for swim meets.

I need some for visiting family.

And if I meet a friend I like to block out 4/5 hours so I'm giving them my time and attention and not clock watching to rush off to the next thing. Mostly we meet Sundays for breakfast/coffee (9/10am ish)

That's my day gone because the rest is cooking a roast and preparing for the fact I'm out the house 5am until 8pm 4/5 weekdays and 8 until 4 the other.

So if someone wants to meet for a proper catch up then they need to reply on me being free for a spontaneous one or accept I'm not free for 4-5 weeks.

Funnily enough my friends accept this because they are decent friends and I accept this is the same for them too.

Us! We've both got small families. We do have a fair few friends but I don't like having things to do every weekend so I deliberately only arrange things 2 weeks out of 4. But I much prefer spontaneous things and a lot of my friends are the same, must be why we're friends!

We'll just text the day before or even in the morning and if we're free and we feel like it we'll meet up. Same with cancelling if we don't feel like it or something else has come up, nobody minds, it's never one sided and we always rearrange.

Reading this thread stresses me out! I'd hate to be booked up every weekend until Christmas! I'd end up dropping out of half of them. But when DC's were younger I have to admit we were a lot busier with activities and parties etc.

I can see both sides of this actually: I used to hate this and always thought is sounded like a real brush-off when someone said "I'm free on a date in three months". But actually as a single mother who has to be selective about when to use babysitters, a partner, old friends who I have to see and my daughter's social calendar, it is actually really hard to schedule things and I can now totally see how this happens.

There is something that dies inside a bit when I ask someone if they are free for a drink and they say "not until January" though... urgh

YABU if these people have children. I'm now booked up until January. I'm a low maintenance friend though so don't expect to see my friends every month, keep in touch very often though.

It’s irrelevant whether they have children or not. People without children can have many other commitments.

Part of my (ex) friend’s obsessive booking up is that she doesn’t ever want to be alone with her DC. She only has the eldest half the week anyway and books up all other free time to be sure they are always entertained

100%. It’s called boundaries. I used to try and fit everything in and not be ‘that person’ but I found I was neglecting my children and downtime with them doing that!

So absolutely if I’ve earmarked a day to ‘chill’ with my children I’ll be busy that day - because I am!

This this this!!!

It's very annoying but assuming they're not flakes I would put something in the diary anyway. Sometimes it's nice to have something on the horizon.

Haha, this is me. I like to be organised, don't have a lot of free time, and make time to see the people I care about (who also have busy lives and not very much free time). So my calendar usually is fairly booked up a while in advance. However I will always make time for short notice meet ups if I don't have any other plans or if someone is in a bad place. It's cool OP, the people who like to plan ahead and have lots going on won't miss you if you dip out, it's just different ways of doing things. I'm not a fan of the short notice spontaneous stuff as I like to know I have things to look forward to and would never think to keep a day open in case someone suggested a last minute thing.

@RedAppleGirl
''Rather passive aggressive nasty post.
I don't see anyone posting the only rely on their partner for socialising.''

Nothing ''passive aggressive'' or ''nasty'' about having healthy boundaries.

I only make time for people who also make time for me and I understand that friends are not to be taken for granted so I expect the same from people who want to remain in my friendship circle.

@itsgettingweird ''Bit odd you are very narrow minded you can only see 2 options.''

Often simplicity is the best policy...

I am not quite sure why posters chose to respond with a series of personal attacks.

I am perfectly entitled to interact with other people as I choose and to set the parameters for what I consider healthy friendships.

I agree wholeheartedly with healthy boundaries. However your post was judgey, you seem rather annoyed at how others manage boundaries.
Some people are either busy or most likely at a different life stage.
It happens.

@RedAppleGirl
I agree wholeheartedly with healthy boundaries. However your post was judgey, you seem rather annoyed at how others manage boundaries.
Some people are either busy or most likely at a different life stage.
It happens.

But you are missing the point entirely.

Everyone is busy, everyone has commitments, everyone will be at different stages in life...

But most of us manage to make time for the things and people who matter to us.

That might be ''judgey'' to you but it is just sensible not to waste my time on people who are too wrapped up in their own world and expect people to invite them months in advance.

Those people could equally say that they won't bother with friends who don't value their company and time enough to make plans in advance.

Just incompatible. Different strokes for different folks. Doubt anyone is going to sob themselves to sleep over it.

These threads crop up constantly and almost everyone eventually figures out that some people who value their friends are able and willing to drop whatever to see them at short notice, while other people who value their friends are willing to block time out of their lives to ensure that they get to see them.

Chuckling at the people in the thread desperate to prove how unbothered they are by how busy other people are, though! It's like competitive horizontalness. Who can be the most laid back about plans. Bless.

One of my friends is like this and like you, I’ve given up trying to arrange anything with her. We were texting over the weekend and she said something about meeting up and instead of saying, “yes, great, lmk when you’re free,” and then arranging it, I just overlooked the comment.

She genuinely is extremely busy and has two jobs, but she’s making all the arrangements from now on, it’s too wearing trying to accommodate her schedule!

The problem is that booked-up-ness tends to depend on what the people around you are all doing. If you are in a social milieu (sorry, I know that's a pretentious looking word but I don't know what else to say) where all your friends tend to book up in advance, you have to do the same, otherwise you will have difficulty meeting any of them.

In my social group, there is one mother who is lovely but she always suggests get-togethers at the absolute last minute, and the trouble is that everyone else in the group has already got things going on by then. So we don't see her as often as we'd like. I've been almost tempted in the past to say "Jane, I hate to say this but most people tend to decide what they're doing at the weekend more than one day in advance! We'd all love to hang out with you more, but you're leaving your suggestions way too late."

Was funny yesterday... received a save the date for a wedding in September 2024. On the same weekend I turn 50 and we're having a big holiday abroad. So I have to say no to a wedding that is 2 YEARS away, because "I will be busy" that weekend.

I also got one for a wedding in May the same year. 2024 is going to be big for weddings!

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..
I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

I've got a few friends that I only see every few months. I'm glad that they've not lost interest in me because of it, because I like them, but they're not my closest friends, just like I'm not their closest friend. Don't you have different 'levels' of friendships? (I'm not sure that levels is the right word, but my foggy brain isn't coming up with anything better at the moment and I hope you know what I mean by it!)

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

That's shit, and I would be re-evaluating that friendship.

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

It's completely up to you how much effort you put into friendships.

This is sort of me. I am an extrovert and even more so since lockdown I cannot bear to spend the whole weekend in the house doing nothing.

I moved from London so a lot of my friends are not 'let's grab a coffee tomorrow' distance away sadly. Now my youngest is nearly two I can and do make some mid week evening plans but generally I book my weekends so I am definitely able to see people/do stuff.

I am completely booked up on December as Christmas means a lot to me and I have to see in no particular order

family
uni mates
work mates
school/home mates
mum friends

As well as events for my own immediate family of 4.

I will try my hardest to see you but being booked up doesnt mean I dont care.