Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

But why "can't you understand that"? Several pps have explained that between visiting GPs, kids sport, DIY, general stuff that has to happen on a weekend to keep the household going, there just isn't time. God forbid you also factor time to actually just do nothing, or watch a film as a family or couple . If you work a ft job and have a couple of kids to work around it's v v easy to have all your time accounted for. It is no reflexion on the friendship itself.
Vague replies of "not sure what I'm doing" are annoying but understandable if clarified with "Johnny might have to go to X, but not sure if he's made the team yet" or "it's my mum's birthday but she hasn't made definite plans".
I live a considerable distance from many of my closest friends and we do sort out dates months in advance because it simply wouldn't happen otherwise.

Similar 🙋🏻‍♀️ at the start of the week I usually have my entire week planned pretty much, I am never sitting around for something do, never bored, only when I'm at work 😂 which is another thing, I hate being asked if I'm free to cover a shift at a couple of hours notice. It would make me laugh if it wasn't so annoying, I have a life.

Right ? And then I'm supposed to feel bad for not making an effort to come to their big events. When they're never there for mine ? No thanks

But are you asking about your big event with plenty of notice? Or are you saying, this is my big event, it's more important than whatever else you might have planned so if you don't prioritise me you're not a good friend

What do you actualy want people to do? Cancel plans with somebody else and see you instead?

Both DH and I work full time 9-6(ish) most days. Both our boys are now teenagers, one at Uni, but both still living at home happily, and I am mid- Masters.

Weekdays are go go go with work stuff/house stuff, we all do a mix of WFH/Office/Uni though youngest obviously at school all week still so try to keep house ticking over to keep weekends free.

Weekends are for friends and family and various hobbies we all have different ones, DS2 still needs someone to drive him and we only have one car. 95% of the time this works out fine because we schedule. But I am often booked out months in advance, throw in travel for work some DH and I are both back to doing regularly and I can easily be booked out months in advance.

We also really value the odd day here and there to just crash out at home together and will put those in the shared calendar.

Happily I guess over the the years I have done my own "sacking/been sacked off" and now only have friends who prefer/need to be planned.

Obviously sometimes there are emergencies or happy coincidences when someone is free for a coffee/lunch and in the same are as you at the same time but it would never occur to me to be bothered if I gave someone a buzz and they said they were busy. Just like with my mates we have a standing agreement that if long held plans have to be dropped for whatever reason then so be it. We will try again next time. Such is the nature of our jobs and lives. But I would never drop them because someone else, who didn't like to book ahead wanted to catchup instead.

Agreed I am also one of six so trying to see all my siblings/play dates with cousins and add in all the birthdays theres not much time left!

I have friends like this and none of us have kids! Some just fill their life totally and have no room for random plans.

I made new friends, hard as that is, to be spontaneous with. Met one in the middle of Croatia three years ago and she moved across the road from me last week! We've already done lots of popping round. So refreshing.

I think as long as they stick to the slot you book 3 months in advance then that seems OK?

Some people have a lot on. And you can’t be on everyone’s A list, doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you.

Clearly you need to have some friends who are freer and/or prioritise being freer for you.

This!! I would love to see my friends more regularly but it's just not possible with a job to keep, a house to run, children and pets to take care of, relatives to see, a marriage to look after and a tiny bit of time for myself! It's not always a reflection of not having enough time or not caring enough for people, sometimes it's because we're trying to balance everyone's needs including our own 🤷‍♀️

YABU

Even for all the super busy, high maintenance, attend the opening of an envelope people there is always an hour for a coffee with someone you care about.

Weekend events with family like a birthday lunch or a kids party or a bbq etc - they don’t start at 7am and last 19 hours?

meet your mate for a coffee at 9am at a nice café? Meet at 8 when kids are in bed for a glass of wine when DP is on kid duty. Meet Sunday morning for a walk in the park?
Meet one night after kids in bed for a late supper?

Catching up with friends doesn’t have to be a 3 course meal that lasts 7 hours and thus can only be planned 6 months in advance. It can be half an hour brisk walk around the park on a Sunday morning.

Life is made up of these small moments, I think anyway.

Yes life is busy but I’d rather nob off cleaning the floors and ironing for an hour once a month to stay in touch with people I care about and want to see.

Your house is guaranteed to get messy again, people arent guaranteed to always be around.

I should have spent my free hour between work and childcare cleaning the kitchen today but instead I went for a coffee with a friend who is having a shitty time. 10/10 better use of my time. Kitchen got cleaned once kids had gone to sleep 🤷‍♀️

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat I can't understand that people don't even have an hour to go for a coffee. Or to visit eachother at home just for a quick catch up. Obviously it's different if you live long distance from friends, I'm talking more about friends locally.
Sometimes I think people make themselves so busy by choosing to do so many activities and over planning their lives. I don't have much in my diary ever, because I say no to stuff. I also don't understand how people have to plan time to do DIY, or watch a film. I guess I'm just more spontaneous - tomorrow for example I literally have no idea what I'm going to be doing, depends how I feel in the morning!

I think some people just are naturally more introverted and need more time to themselves. I appear gregarious but I need alot of time to myself, and there's no way I could fit in breakfast with a friend on top of say a wedding in the afternoon, then taking my children to the cinema and a trip to the park the next day.
Stick in housework, having a bath, shopping etc. But also, some of us lime thinking time, time to be.
Even if chatty and seemingly social, some of find social things (yes, even meeting a friend) draining.
Maybe if those who can pack their time with seeing people last ninute on top of everything else could understand this they wouldn't take it so personally?

I would be haggard without time to myself.

Weekend events with family like a birthday lunch or a kids party or a bbq etc - they don’t start at 7am and last 19 hours?

No, but you still also have to do your "stuff" around them. So if you are at work all week, there comes a point when you have to do a bit of cleaning or the laundry or sort out the car insurance or get you hair cut. Or indeed, catch up on sleep or have a soak in the bath.

Plus, people have commitments like attending a Church or volunteering at the local hospice or a season ticket for their favourite sports team or getting some exercise for themselves and so forth.

I love a bit more spontaneity. I am an oddity on MN in that I love it when people pop in unexpectedly. Now my dc are adults, and I work PT, and can be a bit more flexible about my working hours than I used to be able to, I love being able to go and meet for a coffee or go for lunch. But when the dc needed an adult to pick them up or be in the house with them, and my job was really inflexible, and we had commitments at the weekend, both for the dc and for the things we volunteer with, it was very difficult to just spontaneously meet a friend for a coffee or a walk.

We both work full time. If we accept a bbq on a Saturday then no I don’t have time for coffee as it’s kids swimming lessons and other shit that just needs to get done. We generally organise social stuff 4-6 weeks in advance. I’d like to be more spontaneous but you need time to be so.

I don’t have children and still book things months in advance: friends with children plan in advance when they’re free, I have lots of friends in different cities so trains need to be booked in advance to be cheaper, I play a team sport a couple of weeknights (my main stress relief) and do evening shifts at work another couple. I keep one day of the weekend free for life admin/to read/just have down time and socialise on the other day.

I protect that “free day” and unless it’s a special event e.g wedding I tell people I’m not free because having a me day is a booked in plan, and because when I didn’t protect it I ended up doing things both days of the weekends for consecutive weeks and didn’t feel rested enough for work on the Monday. I was burning out.

Booking in advance doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t care about you or doesn’t want to see you, it’s just want they have to do to manage their time and it might be protective for them too.

@Googlecanthelpme - as you said - depends on how far away people are. I have relatives we see regularly about 2hrs drive from home, friends live like 15mins drive away. If it was just myself, I could fit in a coffee in between, but with young kids, sometimes me and DH fall asleep putting them to bed - we are so shattered. Just getting kids out the door to go to an event is an ordeal, so squeezing in a meeting at 7am would be hard and we’d probably forget something for the party and get there late… which I’d find annoying as it’d be something I’d committed to.

I have a friend like this, will contact me to meet for a coffee… in a months time.

Night out on a weekend or weekend event I am chukka, I work full time but would defo meet for a weekday meal after work if there was no chance for a while.

^ this. V eloquently put @Googlecanthelpme

If a friend wanted to meet up, it’s generally possible to find a time (asking as distance not a massive issue)

I really don’t understand the months in advance planners. Even if I WANTED to be that busy I genuinely don’t have enough stuff I could fill the next 20 weekends with. I have a good group of friends, a full time job, a dog, hobbies…but I’ve never understood how people get so booked up and what with. Surely classes/lessons are only once or twice a week and even if you have a set weekend commitment that’s only going to be a few hours on one of the days? I don't understand the lack of flexibility around those fixed things. Meeting friends for me is usually planned a week or so in advance, a month at most, with local friends sometimes we’ll do same-day stuff if we fancy a quick drink after work or something.

Then there’s minor things like visiting family, DIY, a quick coffee with a mate or even alone time/doing nothing - to me, those are things that you just do when you feel like it. I wouldn’t plan in DIY for the weekend for example in case I wake up on Saturday and can’t actually be arsed to do it. I don’t schedule in when I’m going to clean or do laundry, I just do it when I have the inclination. It seems bonkers to me to plan in stuff like that.

Likewise asking someone for a coffee in January - I’ll 100% forget about it before January comes around and probably end up double booking myself. Unless something is happening within the next 2 weeks I will forget. Like others have said having my life planned that far in advance would make me feel anxious and claustrophobic. I don’t think the planners and the spontaneous people will ever understand each other tbh.

I really don’t understand the months in advance planners. Even if I WANTED to be that busy I genuinely don’t have enough stuff I could fill the next 20 weekends with. I have a good group of friends, a full time job, a dog, hobbies…but I’ve never understood how people get so booked up and what with

Well, here’s what my weekends between now and Christmas are booked up with:

1 wedding abroad
1 university reunion
1 weekend away with a friend (has been planned since June)
1 work conference abroad
3 with elderly parent
1 family visiting me
1 concert (involves a night away)
1 friend visiting me

That pretty much leaves me with one free weekend between now and Christmas. And yes, you may say they’re mostly things I’m choosing to do, but the social ones are very much things I want to do… they just need to be planned. The nature of my training and work means a lot of my friends are hours away, so a spontaneous or short notice meeting is not feasible. However, for local friends it’s usually easy enough arrange something without too much hassle.

YANBU! I have lots of friends who are social butterflies with packed schedules but there is a huge difference between the ones who make and effort and ones who brush you off with a ‘oops, see you in January I guess!’

Firstly if people like to plan ahead so much with plans, surely nice to include some plans with friends you care about? I am a ‘most evenings free’ kind of gal so can do plans adhoc but appreciate when very social planner friends make effort to schedule me in.

Also rarely is someone completely not free. I’ve done 30 minute coffee breaks during a wfh lunch, met a nurse friend for a quick 30 min ‘breakfast’ before her night shift, done a FaceTime over coffee for an hour during a babies nap. You can make plans work, some people just refuse to compromise or prioritise.

I don't think a month is long at all. As adults we all have quite a lot of different groups and it doesn't mean you're not a priority, just someone else planned first. However the OPs 3 months is a bit OTT. Like a pp tho, I'm booked til Xmas and mainly because of kids parties, big birthdays for friends, grandparents and siblings as we all lives miles from each other: they ARE a priority over my friends too and always will be

The only "planned" weekend I have is next weekend.

I very rarely have my life planned out to this level. We live far more spontaneously. We don't have regular family visits as our parents are dead. Our siblings live too far away to visit regularly, and I have a deeply unsociable husband who never wants to go anywhere or see people.