Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

''@girlmom21
There are only 4 weekends in most months. By the time you've seen both sets of grandparents that leaves you with 6 days, if they live close enough.

By the time you've had a couple of family days, that leaves you with 4.

In that time you also need to do washing, make packed lunches, clean the house, do the kids homework, attend a couple of parties, take kids to swimming lessons and football matches, spend time with your spouse - and then also maintain relationships with family and friends. It's pretty easy to get booked up.''

What nonsense....

@Womencanlift - I guess the reason I can’t just meet up this week is that kids have activities, regular visits to grandparents, visitors from abroad. DH finds it stressful to have short notice changes of plan which involve looking after all 3 kids and cooking dinner after full day of work. If we planned ahead, we could pick a day when DH doesn’t have meetings (no kids activities or visiting GPs), I could make sure dinner is cooked, so I could meet up and DH won’t be really stressed when I get back.

It’s fair enough if that doesn’t really suit you and you find you are happier with a smaller circle anyway, just wanted to give a different perspective.

My issue is I live a 6 hour drive from most of my friends. Local friends yes I could meet them easily during the week, in fact I did just that this week. However weekends are mental as I'm up and down the road visiting them. My weekends are starting to fill up as it's birthday season for my friends (weirdly lots of close birthdays) and then Christmas work nights out start in November. So yes, if you don't book in there's a chance I'm not free. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate my friends just means I have more than 2 friends.

I didn’t say I had a small circle. I just said I removed (in my opinion) time wasters from it

But as you said different perspectives

Yeah I don't bother with friends like that although by default they just become more acquaintances due to this 'booked up' behaviour. If you need someone to talk to or your friends are having a bad time of it how is a real friend going to turn round and say 'well you'll have to wait 3 months'. It's just not true friendship and sometimes you don't know if someone just needs someone to talk to unless you agree to meet up.
Some people are just very rigid in their plans and lives and dare I say inflexible.

I often have friends message to meet up within that week and if I can't meet up that particular day I will always suggest a few times within the next week that I can carve out eg, catch up after school at someone's house, a weekend morning coffee, an evening walk or gin at someone's house once kids are in bed.

I admit though I actively don't like planning things in to the nth degree makes me feel claustrophobic.

I think not explaining can be a bit rude. Like a PP said, if her DC is off to uni open days and doesn’t know dates yet I think that’s a reasonable explanation but a vague I don’t know what I’m doing feels rude.

I have a football season ticket so I’m at the mercy of fixtures that can change. Personally I don’t like making plans then having to change them.

What's nonsense?

You could turn this around. If you can't be arsed to wait a couple of months to meet a friend, maybe they don't mean that much to you...

I used to feel like you do until I had kids and got a bit older. I like being home more, only have so much energy, and yes, am very busy.

Surely it's better we are all honest with one another? If they're busy till then, it's not up to you to judge the validity of the things they have planned!

Either you want to meet them or you don't

Turning this back round the other way if you had a friend who wanted to meet up and chat about a problem they were having or celebrate an event in their life do you think a good friend would or should make them wait 3 months until they are ready to free up time? If that happened then I wouldn’t consider them a friend, more an acquaintance

And no a phone call is not a good replacement for a meet up if that’s what the friend needs at that particular moment

I don’t have any totally free weekends til January so yabu from my perspective because I’m a planner and everything is in my diary in advance

@Womencanlift - haha - I guess you and I are different people that wouldn’t be compatible. But I am genuinely curious - what part of it is timewasting? When I try and plan, I try and do it to inconvenience the least amount of people - so warn DH or grandparent or whatever that I am doing something different on that day. Is it that it is time wasting for you because you don’t like to have to remember a date far in the future?

@Womencanlift

A friend in dire need isn't what the op was talking about. That's different.

If each of my friends expected ne to drop everything to celebrate with them the instant any good thing happened in their lives, I would find that not doable.

I would say that's amazing! And then book them in to celebrate as soon as was convenient for us both.

YABU. I have caring commitments,a full time job, a part time job, some volunteer roles, hobbies/talents and a wide group of friends. I usually book things 6-8 weeks in advance but never cancel/flake, am 'present' in person and always do my fair share of being proactive and organising/interim communications.

Happily this seems to work for my friends, still have a very close group of 3-4 people, around 10 close friends and various acquaintances that I relish seeing every so often. But then they all have their own busy lives too.

I'm not sure why people have to be so dramatic with calls to "sack them off" or "not bother with them again"
If someone is your friend, and you like spending time with them, why wouldn't you put something in your diary for when the next day is that you can both make ?

I can see it is perfectly feasible for it to be difficult when you are working around work, kids, extended family, volunteering, dcs' activities etc.

I can also see - for a party in August - that you might not know when you were going away. I wouldn't miss my one chance for a week's holiday, for a party on one evening, however much I liked the people. Sometimes you need a week away.

I also see that you wouldn't want your child to miss their swimming lesson for a birthday party. The child might have had 2 or 3 invitations that month, and maybe a cub camp and maybe a weekend away to Granny's 70th birthday and they would end up missing more lessons than they went to. It isn't just your party they have been invited to. You have to balance things out.

(And I should stress that 6-8 weeks is shorter than I have been known to be bookable at certain periods in my life, when it has been more like 10-12).

@Womencanlift - if someone really needed to see me, I would clear my schedule at short notice. I was mostly referring to ‘catch-ups’ with friends, not for an event that happened to them.

I guess for me it’s time wasting in that if you say oh I can’t meet until January then I have to consider well what’s happening in January?

I suppose it’s similar in that I don’t want to let people down too so saying yes to you now means I need to consider what rocks are already in the diary for that time (birthday, holidays, work deadlines etc) so that I don’t either let you down later because I have forgotten something or letting someone else down that because I have already committed to you

That to me is where time is wasted, maintaining a calendar, rather than just spontaneously saying who is free for a coffee next Saturday?

But as I said in another comment I think this is where there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. Friends in my experience make the time, even if it’s squeezed in between an activity and going to Tesco and acquaintances are the ones that I am not bothered if I don’t see them for months. They are not the ones I will confide in or want to share my life with

I'm not sure why you find that nonsense...I read it and thought yip! I wonder if those who are moaning don't work FT? 2 days a week isn't much to fit in all the things you need to do and all the things you'd like to do! As well as childcare...I can't just up and meet my friends for lunch without making sure I have someone to look after the kids, and that needs planned. Kids sports eat away at big chunks of the weekends.
I plan ahead, sometimes months ahead, to see friends as I want to see them and planning it in means it will happen. They all have the same stuff to juggle so sometimes finding a date is hard!

Sorry, I tagged the wrong person there! I was meaning whoever said it was nonsense up thread

As soon as I get this response from a friend then I dump them. It's so rude and insulting.

I've cut ties with people like that. People that want to see you will see you without having to make an appointment months in advance. My true friends are the ones that I can message and we arrange something within a week because we both make the effort.
I never actually understand how people are booked up for weeks or months on end. I don't think I have anything in my diary currently and thats how I like it. It would give me anxiety knowing I don't have a free weekend for ages.

Tricky, but ultimately, if you are super close, you tend to prioritise.

I have friends who I only plan to see every 3-6 weeks as it's hard work getting our schedules to match due to social lives and kids etc.

I have a friend who I see weekly without fail but they are childless and live local, their schedule fits with mine and we are also v v close. If his schedule changes then we would still make an effort however.

I have one friend who I should see more that I've known for so many years but her DH is awful and it's hard to plan when we can meet when he's not there

I'm a bit like this with some friends who live further away (and they are also busy so it's hard coordinating diaries). I find it quite easy to do things short notice with my local friends though as doesn't take a whole day.

Thankfully it's not an issue with my friends as we are all the same with work, other friends, children with weekend commitments. I don't cancel plans unless it's an exceptional reason though.

This. I used to have a friend like that but binned her off ages ago.

Same here. I have to plan in advance by weeks or months just to organise childcare, and then if my kid has something on that blocks out that time. I’m glad my friends understand.