Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

Yes, I would pain a chill day, and that is my plan. Because we do actually need some down time at home occasionally. The fact we have to plan it in tells you how busy life is!

This makes me so sad. I've become this type of person - not intentionally.

I used to be always free. And then I worked hard to find new friends - with playmates for my daughter. It means I'm hardly ever free now. Jusy because someone can't see you within a month doesn't mean they don't value you, it means they have prearranged plans.

My DD only has one grandparent she sees with any regularity but she has a great grandparent, grand aunts, my own cousins whom I'm v close to. Add in to that my old friends, new friends, life long friends, Godsiblings, neighbours.

What the actual fuck!!!! This doesn't mean I don't care about people it just means I've already booked in. Shall I cancel my plans because I love someone else more - is that not disrespectful to the ones who've carved out time I'm their diaries for me???

Obvs there are are some who just don't make time for others but don't just decide to cut people off because they can't prioritise you.

My ex lived by his booked up social diary, months in advance. I hated it so much. Nothing that we ever did was because we woke up that day and felt like doing that thing. I have made my social world smaller, which has its own difficulties as there are just some things i now don't do and some people might find that rude, but it means I'm available to see the people and do the things that matter most to me, including the ability to be spontaneous, which is something i really value.

I invited friends on May 8th to a birthday party on August 20th. A big joint 40th & 50th, mine & DH's. These friends are also godparents to my youngest. The response I got sometime in June when asked about the invitation was "we don't know what we're doing yet."

They never did turn up.

Nobheads.

Ughh people like this make my skin crawl

Being busy is one thing, saying "we don't know what we're doing yet" is very rude and implies they are holding out for a better offer.

I prefer not to have a busy calendar and I prefer people who are relaxed and laid back like me. I do have some friends who are as you describe and I just follow their lead and plan things with them a couple of times a year but I am much closer to those who I see more often.

People who "don't know what they're doing yet" are completely different to (in fact the exact opposite of) people who are booked up months in advance. If I say I will see you in 5 weekends time, then I will absolutely see you then. It's in the diary and it's set in stone (aside from illness or emergencies of course). People who are non-committal are actually the worst. You can bin them off. They're not your friends!

That seems a weirdly negative translation to impose on your friends!! If I say that it could mean:

Family birthday that weekend so just need to check if there is a meal/party to work around.

Have something booked but might be able to move it.

Already half made plans for that weekend but haven't confirmed which day so happy to do something on the other day

Or any number of variations on the above, but usually it's because I want a chance to try and juggle things around to fit everything in.

For those that won't plan things in advance with friends who have busy calendars can I ask why not?

I used to struggle with this. One of my friends and I had a routine where at the end of every time we met up we got our diaries out and booked in our next catch up - otherwise it just didn't happen.

Pre pandemic it had got to the point where my life was ridiculously busy - maybe 2 week long holidays a year (4 weekends), 2 trips to relatives (2 weekends), 4 sets of friends living a full weekend of travelling for meet ups who I would try to see twice a year each (8 weekends, running total 14 weekends), maybe 4 ish weekends running scout events (18 running total), and that's before you add in birthday events/parties for family/close friends (11 days, but quite a lot of them weekends, 29), mother's Day and father's Day (31), Christmas and New year usually swallows another 2 weekends (33), weddings, a few weekends where work is crap and you end up working and you maybe only have two weekends in 7 with any free time before you've even made any plans for just random things.

I've cut back on that, reduced down friendships, stopped volunteering, and birthday events have fairly thoroughly died out and don't seem to have reappeared as a result of COVID. I sort of miss it but I don't miss how exhausted I was all the time.

Your calendar is booked til November??
🙄
God almighty I'm free for the rest of my life. I've one thing on on the 7th but apart from that I'm as free as a bird.

I agree with poster upthread who translates "not sure what we're doing yet" to mean "I might get a better offer". Once upon a time I'd have hoped to be chosen but now I'd say "ok leave it," and arrange something with somebody who hasn't ranked you beneath them..

I used to be that person before Covid then lmrealised how crazy it was always being so busy - have scaled right back now and have more weekends at home chilling out than l ever have. Love it

So you would 'plan' a chill day with your kids and tell people that you're busy that day ?

Why wouldn't you? Otherwise people will take every spare minute of your free time and you never actually get to chill or see the kids!

Single mom and I rarely have time to myself. My weekends are often full.

Sorry but I echo some PPs who say life is busy. I don’t have kids and wouldn’t say I have many friends but usually I plan in every weekend for the next 2 months. I do that because otherwise I wouldn’t get to see all the people who are important to me.

Conversely I would say to someone who had a problem with it, why am I not worth planning ahead for and putting a date in the diary? Ok so the first date might be 2 months from now but then we can plan for the next month and so on.
We have parents to see both sides at least once a month, siblings, it doesn’t leave many days free. I rarely have a day at home to clean or to “chill” and I would love to but seeing the people who matter to me takes priority.
House is a shit tip and I’m tired but ultimately it’s worth it 🤷‍♀️
at the end of the day sounds like you and your friends have different values and priorities.

Same here. My dc have sports and clubs on the weekend that take up a good part of it. We then have admin, shopping and other stuff to do. Weekends are the only family time we get as well as the weekdays are a mad rush so that also takes priority. I really don't have the time or can't squeeze in the time to do spontaneous takeaway with friends. In fact in our group, we do schedule things in advance as everyone is genuinely so busy. We have one weekend in October and 1 in Dec free and that's it.

Do you not have children?

I am also booked up til November. It doesn’t mean I have NO free moments until then but it means that the moments I am free are squashed between a 9 o’clock meeting and an 11.30 appointment. So if you are a good friend that I see reasonably regularly and you appreciate that I work full time if I offer you an hour you’ll take it. If I see you once a year I won’t offer you the hour slot because you’d be offended. I tied to organise a coffee with a friend last may. She’s a teacher and says she is too tired to meet in term time. I sent her my july and august dates and she said she couldn’t plan that far ahead. We still haven’t met….and I’m not sure we ever will.

I am lucky as most of my friends are fairly last minute and so we can shoot off a text and probably squeeze in a coffee or meet up within a week or two. One big difference is many work from home and so can do a lunch or coffee. Family live relatively near so can pop over if it suits rather than book ahead. I don't decide what I'm doing for Christmas til a week before! I hate being overscheduled but for people with little kids or less flexibility in their schedule I can see how it happens. I actively avoid it.

I always leave friends who do this. Chasing after someone isn't a friendship.It's very rude and suggests they are so busy and so important in comparison to you.

The meetings I plan ahead for, are for people I really want to see.

I don’t often cancel - because I believe in keeping commitments and I want to make sure the meeting has the best chance of going ahead. Have 3 kids, youngest still breastfed so have to warn DH in advance, re-arrange usual visits to grandparents, make sure it isn’t timed when relatives from abroad come.

do people get offended because they think they should get an earlier date? I find that with an earlier date, we often haven’t had enough time to prepare (mainly negotiating childcare/home chores with DH) and more likely to cause lots of stress at home. Whereas if you have a fixed date you want to keep clear - you can do all the chores in advance to smooth things out.

Honestly, I can be like this at times. Maybe you're just not compatible as friends anymore. They feel their child learning to swim is more important than your child's party. No-one is being unreasonable here. If you are going to commit to a weekend activity (often prebooked in blocks) then you'll have to miss some events, because there's always a children's party somewhere.

I’m guilty of telling a couple of people “I’m not sure whether I’m free yet” in regards to meeting up on a weekend between now and Christmas. It’s because DS1 is currently sorting out which uni open days he’s going to and they’re all on different Saturdays. We have to drive him there, often hundreds of miles. Is it really so bad to prioritise that? I don’t want to book friends in and then have to postpone or cancel on them.

Some of these reasons sound like excuses not to meet up with people

Things like admin or shopping. Would you really prefer to do that than meet with a friend? I know I certainly wouldn’t. Life admin can get done in an evening. Shopping can be done online.

Ive said on other threads that the best thing about lockdown was cutting out people that I found when I couldn’t see them that I really didn’t want to spend time with. A lot of them were the “I can maybe see you in 3 months” brigade. I just never bothered when we came out of lockdown and it’s been wonderful

My energy is now with the friends that I can call and say “meet in the park tomorrow?” and they will be there and vice versa

@MuddlingThrough1724 - exactly the same here and most of our friends are the same. It’s just different life stages a lot of the time!

I’m genuinely surprised you perceive being booked up as rude. I’m a planner, I’ve moved around a lot so friends/family are spread out geographically, and an extrovert. My worst nightmare is getting to a weekend and having zero plans and having to suddenly fill the time, so I book stuff in advance to make sure I have things to look forward to. For me, the reverse would feel rude - why should I keep my time free, just in case X friend decides on that day they might want to be sociable? I would never risk that, in case they decide they don’t fancy a coffee after all, leaving me planless (aka major panic). I also don’t bail, unless I’m genuinely ill, so if I have a plan booked in I stick to it (so won’t let person A down because person B came along with a more exciting offer).

If the problem here is that you ask to meet up for a coffee and your friend says “sure, I’m free next on X date in the future” I honestly would not take that as a sign of how they value your friendship, more of how they plan their time. Sounds like you and your friend just take really different approaches to managing your time. Neither is right, just different.

You have mentioned life “events” but I’m not sure what you mean by this. If you’re asking someone to meet up next weekend for, say, your birthday, and you’re upset they haven’t prioritised it over something they’d already had booked for months, then I think YABU, even if, to you, their prior commitment doesn’t sound as big as your bday. If it was important the friend was there and you already know they plan in advance, ask them earlier to make sure they’re free. Even if you don’t know exactly what you’re doing, you could say “please keep X date free for my bday, plan TBC.”