Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

Reading more replies I'm pretty shocked that people are shocked that some are booked til Nov. It's 6 weeks away! That's just 6 visits with others if they're full weekends like family who live a drive away or a family weekend away. How is that so difficult to comprehend?

My brother is like this. I've stopped making contact.
My friends I can more or less make an arrangement with within two weeks.
I think filling up your diary is an insecurity thing. The fear that there will be a gap where you will flounder.

There’s been an almost identical thread to this on mumsnet before. A single woman really angry that her friends who were married/had a family always booked her months in advance.

There will always be two camps - people who are outraged and think no one can be that busy, and the people who are that busy.

We usually book in seeing our best friends months in advance. I’d see them every weekend if I could. All you need is at least 12 close family members and that’s one birthday a month. When you think about your own direct family (maybe four people), both sets of grandparents (up to eight people), add two siblings each some who have partners or children, that’s easily 20+ people who have birthdays to celebrate, housewarming parties to go to etc. Plus other commitments, kids hobby events, work events, holidays booked, weekends visiting other friends, weddings…

If it offends you then best to stick to friends who are always free for a short-notice meet up. All my friends have similar lives - either busy with family or with travel/hobbies/other friends, so the expectation to meet up every few months is really chill and the norm. I couldn’t be arsed with a friend who was making me feel guilty over it 🤷🏼‍♀️

👏 it can be perceived as a little bit needy if not careful

On the one hand, I understand - when I'm at work(currently on ML) all week, DH is at work all week and we have 3 DC, weekends quickly get quite busy/full, plus we are shattered so have been known to schedule in some down time just to rest and spend quality time with the kids. I do try to be flexible though, and it's not always like this - sometimes it all just snowballs. On the other hand, it is difficult maintaining friendships with people who are constantly like this. I missed my slot with a friend who seems to book people in about 3 months in advance so now I doubt I'll see her before Christmas. It does feel a bit silly given she only lives 10 minutes away and works part time (relevant because I've been on ML so have been much freer in the week; I don't need to take up a Saturday morning!). I think it will just end up that we are no longer friends because it's unsustainable. Which is sad, but as pp have said, maybe that's what she's aiming for!

Also people saying “if they cared they’d prioritise you”. It doesn’t work like that. Sadly I can’t just not show up at a nephews birthday thing because I’d rather visit my mates. If you’ve made an arrangement with someone first you have to honour it.

All you need is at least 12 close family members and that’s one birthday a month. When you think about your own direct family (maybe four people), both sets of grandparents (up to eight people), add two siblings each some who have partners or children, that’s easily 20+ people who have birthdays to celebrate, housewarming parties to go to etc. Plus other commitments, kids hobby events, work events, holidays booked, weekends visiting other friends, weddings…

That is so far removed from our lives. We are older. Small family. Parents dead. Children in both families are grown up. I am excited that my niece is getting married next year - the first family wedding in 12 years. All our friends have been married for decades. Sadly, the most socialising we have done this year has been at funerals.

I'm always fascinated by people on mumsnet who seem to make an effort to take everything very personally and deem everything to be a sign of someone who is (insert negative trait here). It seems like a very tiring way to live.

This is us too.

We both work and kids are preteens with busy school, extra curricular and social lives. Between the 5 of us we have a myriad of things to do on weekends. We can do occasional dinner / lunch with nearby family friends but anyone who doesn't live on our door step is impossible to fit in as they'd expect to stay the day or at leats half the day, we do not have the time for this. MIL lives next door, my parents 2 hours away so we / they visit in the holidays. I have friends from uni I'm fond off but they are at a different stage in life (babies) and can't relate to my kids not wanting to spend a whole Saturday at their place . I haven't got the heart to say this obviously but I have become unavailable. What does annoy me is people who can't understand that some people live differently. I can't think of anything worse than sitting at home all day or talking with guest for hours on end, so boring. I'd much rather do an activity together and am extremely selective about whole getting together as a family.

Same here. Kids are older teens so do their own thing at weekends, one at uni. One set of grandparents gone.

But I don't like being busy. If I'm doing something one weekend I make sure the next weekend is free so we can stay at home and do nothing.

It does mean though that I'm often free for short notice walks and coffee in the park with local friends which is perfect, only takes 2 hours out of my day and no traveling.

It was different when DC's were younger, was a lot busier.

There will be as many situations as there are people. We have quite a lot of weekends booked; mostly birthdays and ticketed events, a funeral we need to travel for, a weekend with friends staying and we're due to visit cousins. DS just started school and we are very busy with work, so the effect of already having a lot on around that is that it feels like a huge imposition being asked to trek to another town for the weekend, or to the other side of London for a "fun" lunch or dinner, even if we are technically free. If someone we see a lot wants to meet locally then we fit that in very easily, but we sometimes get to a stage where we don't want to add more activities with travel. I know one particular friend of mine is getting irritated, but our happiness matters too; us feeling tired and resentful won't make for a fun day out so it's just tough really. My advice would be to pick the less busy times and easy locations if you really want to see someone; get up early on a Sunday morning and offer to meet near their home.

I would do this because if I’m doing too much I turn into a massive stress head. But I’m also really quite choosy about social events because of that (we most definitely do not see family every weekend, and they’re quite close), and would likely be free if a friend wanted an evening out/quick coffee, so I’m maybe not the best example. I agree that if you’re needing to book months in advance, that the friends are just prioritising different things over your friendship.

@MRex oh yes I totally get the reluctance to travel thing. If you really want to see us, don’t invite us to a meal at your house, when you live in the furthest possible London borough and we’ll be travelling for two hours there and back. It may be convenient for you to have us come to your house, but it’s a pita for us. Suggest we meet up centrally where it’s going to take everyone 45 mins to get there. Some people seem to think that just feeding us outweighs the travelling, when it really doesn’t.

I hate being hemmed in by a busy diary post covid. I have nothing in my diary for 2023 yet and that’s just how I want it. I’m definitely a spontaneous last minute, what shall we do this weekend person and I love it.

yesterday I arranged lunch for today and am going to a friends house tomorrow. Perfect!

@Wherehasthecommonsensegone I think you’ve phrased it really well.

Last night my friend messaged to say did we want to go to the local farm park we both have membership of. She’s a very spontaneous person. I said sorry, DC has a sports commitment whilst DH has his covid jab then MIL is over. How about next weekend? We are meeting up next Saturday and both looking forward to it.

I might have stuff on every weekend but it’s not all hours of it. MIL is on her own so we see her most weekends. I don’t have play dates whilst she’s over but I’ll sometimes see a friend. MIL is going on holiday for 3 weeks so I’m using the weekends for some get togethers with my friends or DHs friends who live further away. Everyone has primary school aged kids or younger and understands that it’s not so easy to drive for 90 minutes for lunch like it was pre kids/baby stage.

DH is naturally more spontaneous than me but as he’s got older he’s realised that if you don’t plan it’s harder to see people (mates who moved out of London).

We have a couple who we’re friends with and they’re like that. Last saw then in May, next seeing them in two weeks time! Our other couple friend, we have a messenger group with and we text everyday and a foursome. We meet up monthly for games night and sometimes drop in on each other if we’re in each other’s area. Much easier.

*as a foursome nothing kinky 😂

Dh works 4 days on/ 4 off and we have something going on every one of his time off till January. Nights away, walking trips, meeting friends, 5 gigs booked.
I love a full diary! But I still have time to meet friends for coffee/ lunch but work it around gym classes

Just looked at my calender and I have 1 weekend where I'm not booked up until November. 2 of those weekends are work related. Life is busy and it's standard for it to be a few months or longer until you can meet up, particularly if there are more than 2 people meeting.

I've had friends who have pushed to meet up more regularly and they tend to fall into 3 camps :

1.Friends who are less busy/more selective with friends

2.Those who don't understand the other commitments you have ( work/caring for relatives/children etc).

3.Extroverted types who are happy to be out every night of the week and don't seem to need downtime to recharge.

The friendships where people have not been happy with the frequency of meeting haven't lasted as we don't seem to quite be on the same wavelength.

YABU. We’ve got big families, lots of friends, we have a DS and we both work.

We go to church on Sunday’s, and try to keep at least one weekend a month fairly quiet just so we don’t go out of our minds. We had four weddings and a christening this summer, plus a weekend away with family.

With two milestone relatives birthdays coming up, and hosting old friends, we now have plans on nearly every weekend up until December. If your friend is like us, then that’s what the issue is.

Of course she may just not be a give and take person, but only you can assess that, or whether she is just genuinely busy.

Life is busy. My kids have to be ferried to activities on Saturday and Sunday mornings and kids they just can't miss them. Then there are three elderly grandparents to help out with, an other elderly relative who we help out on a rota basis and she's two hours away, a dog that needs medication at a particular time each morning and evening.

We do end up scheduling stuff ages in advance.

I don’t have expectations about my friends and I’m pretty sure they don’t have expectations about me.

Quite a long time ago when I realised that the gradual accumulation of friends was getting untenable, I observed that men can go 6-8 months or even longer without seeing a mate, one of them then suggests a beer, they have a fun night catching up then it’s another 6 months. I have adopted this approach mostly except for 2 closer friends who I see around 6-8 times a year and of course dd’s friend’s mums who don’t count.

I do know that other people and indeed other former friends of mine have higher expectations. We don’t stay friends.

I have a friend who is always booked up. I don't take it personally, she has lots of friends and is an extravert.
As others have said, she never bails. I can't think of a time she's not come to something.

I have a couple of friends like this. They bang on about how busy they are but they aren’t actually invested in genuine friendships. Rushing around ticking people off a list isn’t a fulfilling life.

One of my family members prides herself on how many friends she has and us constantly ’booked up’. She prioritises people she barely knows over significant family events. We know a few people in common and I am always amazed that friends that see her quite regularly don’t actually know anything about her. She keeps everything very superficial which I think suits her.

‘Offer you an hour’ 🤢