Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare
663

Hope54321 · 22/09/2022 14:11

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Flamingyon · 22/09/2022 14:13

My friend has just become a grandmother and has been (to put it nicely) pressured into giving up her part time job, volunteering day and hobby to provide childcare. She is in her 60s and doesn’t want to do it but feels like she has no choice - it’s either that or lose her family altogether.

Please
or
to access all these features

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

Please
or
to access all these features

Lovetogarden2022 · 22/09/2022 14:18

Just going off personal experience here, but I don't see it as I'm entitled to have my parents help with childcare and having spoken to them, they don't see it as an obligation or anything - for them it's part of having a family and wanting to see as much of them as they can (they have my daughter once a week, sometimes twice).
My grandparents did A LOT of childcare for me and my cousins as a child - school pick ups every day, childcare every day in the holidays etc. They were in their 80s but they absolutely loved it and felt it was what being a grandparent was all about!
I think because my parents had so much help, they kind of feel that it's the right thing to do to pass it on to the next generation? Especially when you consider how much more "wealthy" that generation is compared to ours and how much more disposable income they had/have compared to the younger generation. They think it's the right thing to do to help out

Please
or
to access all these features

Hope54321 · 22/09/2022 14:21

Lovetogarden2022 · 22/09/2022 14:18

Just going off personal experience here, but I don't see it as I'm entitled to have my parents help with childcare and having spoken to them, they don't see it as an obligation or anything - for them it's part of having a family and wanting to see as much of them as they can (they have my daughter once a week, sometimes twice).
My grandparents did A LOT of childcare for me and my cousins as a child - school pick ups every day, childcare every day in the holidays etc. They were in their 80s but they absolutely loved it and felt it was what being a grandparent was all about!
I think because my parents had so much help, they kind of feel that it's the right thing to do to pass it on to the next generation? Especially when you consider how much more "wealthy" that generation is compared to ours and how much more disposable income they had/have compared to the younger generation. They think it's the right thing to do to help out

Your situation sounds like they were happy to help which is great. However, not all grandparents want to do childcare and I think it’s totally up to them whether or not they want to do childcare. They shouldn’t feel pressured into doing it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

IrmaGord · 22/09/2022 14:24

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

What on earth are you on about?

Please
or
to access all these features

ladygindiva · 22/09/2022 14:26

Flamingyon · 22/09/2022 14:13

My friend has just become a grandmother and has been (to put it nicely) pressured into giving up her part time job, volunteering day and hobby to provide childcare. She is in her 60s and doesn’t want to do it but feels like she has no choice - it’s either that or lose her family altogether.

That's terrible

Please
or
to access all these features

Choconut · 22/09/2022 14:27

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

Bizarre, grandparents haven't created that world, successive governments with their shit policies (that often no one had any idea about prior to them getting in power) have!

Grandparents have given back to the system - by paying their taxes. You sound very bitter tbh but I really think you're aiming it at the wrong people (and no I'm not a grandparent myself and I never had any help from either set of grandparents as both lived over 100 miles away).

Please
or
to access all these features

Namenic · 22/09/2022 14:27

Agree. We get loads of grandparent help, but I say to them to please go on the holidays they want and do the things they want - if possible let us know in advance so we can plan. It is mine and DH’s responsibility to look after the kids if they are doing something else. They are fine to pop around whenever (would prefer for them to let us know so We aren’t out of the house or anything). I hope we can support them as they get older.

Please
or
to access all these features

NormalNans · 22/09/2022 14:29

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

What?!

Please
or
to access all these features

ladygindiva · 22/09/2022 14:29

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

Walk into any church or voluntary charity work place and I'll guarantee its the retired folk putting the hours in to help others. It's certainly true of my mum and her peers, they visit lonely isolated elderly people, hold a free church hall mother and baby group, volunteer at the local ( free, charity based) museum, the list could go on and on.

Please
or
to access all these features

Dotjones · 22/09/2022 14:30

Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

Please
or
to access all these features

IrmaGord · 22/09/2022 14:30

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much

My friend is 52, she has 4 kids. She was a single parent who worked full time for the first one. When she met her second husband, she still worked full time, as did her DH. She's now a grandparent, and is still working, and her youngest is still in school and she looks after her grandkids at the weekend. It's likely she'll have to work into 70's as well.

You're talking utter shite.

Please
or
to access all these features

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 22/09/2022 14:31

I don't think any grandparent should be obligated to provide childcare. BUT I do think the world is currently very challenging for working parents. And if you are able to help your kids along the way, it's a kind thing to go.

Please
or
to access all these features

lickenchugget · 22/09/2022 14:32

Dotjones · 22/09/2022 14:30

Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

What?!

Please
or
to access all these features

grey12 · 22/09/2022 14:32

@IrmaGord so happy you're completely outside of the problems millennials face nowadays 😊 you have been blessed and should indeed be grateful for it

OP, I think grandparents shouldn't be forced to do anything, let alone be forced to leave their job 😵‍💫 that's insane. But grandparents have ALWAYS had a hand in helping with grandkids: my great great grandparents did, my great grandparents did, my grandparents did and now my parents/inlaws do it 🤷🏻‍♀️ nothing has changed! Nothing at all. Maybe now grandparents have to work until later in life?.....

Please
or
to access all these features

ladygindiva · 22/09/2022 14:33

Dotjones · 22/09/2022 14:30

Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

I can't even begin to address how wrong I think this is but it's sadly something a lot of people think.

Please
or
to access all these features

Wimpeyspread · 22/09/2022 14:34

Dotjones · 22/09/2022 14:30

Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

This makes no sense? And having had children of their own might be the reason they don’t want to do it all over again!!

Please
or
to access all these features

NormalNans · 22/09/2022 14:34

Dotjones · 22/09/2022 14:30

Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

Are you in a cult?

This sounds like the sort of nonsense a cult would come out with.

Please
or
to access all these features

Aria2015 · 22/09/2022 14:34

My mum was quite clear before any of us had kids that she didn't want to get sucked into regular childcare and I totally respect that. She's still a great gran and my kids love her. She'll always help out i I ask and if my dh goes away, she'll always try and come down to me so I'm not alone. So she's supportive, but she just doesn't want to be tied into a commitment of doing certain days and us relying on her, which is fair enough.

My in-laws have offered some part time childcare and insist it's what they want, but while I think that's probably true to a degree, we all know that looking after kids can be a hard slog sometimes so I find it hard to believe they love every minute of it, all the time. If it were up to me, I'd just pay for childcare but my dh insists they'd be devastated if we did...

Please
or
to access all these features

ItsaMetalBand · 22/09/2022 14:36

DM made it clear her baby days were over - and I agree with her. She's actually never minded our DS - he's ten now so unlikely to ever happen. She's enjoying her child free retirement. We still visit with DS of course.

OTOH, the other granny loved to have a pile of kids in, the more the merrier. And she always used to offer to mind DS, and a couple of times we did ask for an hour or so in an emergency. We never took the piss and in fact, she got quite upset when her ill health meant that she wasn't able to do that any more.

Family as an emergency to dash to nursery when you are stuck in roadworks or whatever - yeah fine. Having a baby with the assumption that others in the family will step in to mind them without discussing it with them - not fine.

Please
or
to access all these features

Drivebye · 22/09/2022 14:36

I think the title should be changed to 'grandmothers' because let's face you are talking about women here. As usual expected to step up, out others first and help out all the time.

Perhaps people shouldn't have children if they can't look after them or, shock horror, men also step up to help more.

Please
or
to access all these features

Lovetogarden2022 · 22/09/2022 14:37

Just to add two things - I personally cannot wait to be a grandparent 😂 I can think of nothing nicer so maybe I'm biased.

Also my parents have friends who's children take the piss - turn up at 6.30am with their kids and dog for the grandparents to look after until 7pm at night. They're like "well it's lovely to spend time with the grandkids, but we are exhausted!)

Another family friend, her daughter in law dropped off her 7 week old baby son at 7am one morning and after 12 hours the grandma was like "is everything ok? Where are you?" She was like "yeah I'm just sat having dinner. We'll come and get him at 9" !!! (To add she didn't have PND - she did this regularly and very much saw that the grandparents were there so she could watch the TV in peace all day 😂😂)

Please
or
to access all these features

IrmaGord · 22/09/2022 14:37

@grey12 no idea why you've addressed me like that, but if you mean I just get on with it instead of whining that the world and its grandmother owes me a favour, then you're right, I am truly blessed 😇

Please
or
to access all these features

NormalNans · 22/09/2022 14:37

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 22/09/2022 14:31

I don't think any grandparent should be obligated to provide childcare. BUT I do think the world is currently very challenging for working parents. And if you are able to help your kids along the way, it's a kind thing to go.

What about working grandparents? What are they supposed to do when they’re still working full time to pay the mortgage? Sell the house and give up work to look after the grandkids?

Please
or
to access all these features

bumblebeessarecool · 22/09/2022 14:37

The dutch system is (or at least was) that you paid daycarw and received a rebate per month from the government depenadant on how many days and your income. So for 2 kids I paid approximately 500 euro per month in total ( 900 per month and 400 rebate). For my second child I paid 50 euro in total. It was a good system becuae it was affordable for women and also employed (mainly) women in the childcare functions. They paid tax and women also paid tax and didnt have to stop working.

Unfortunately the right wing government started pulling this back. But women here are still a lot better off. The same system also for after school care.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?