Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

[Hope54321]

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

My inlaws are retired, young and on good pensions. They were given a substantial gift of money for their deposit, my fil’s parents helped them renovate their first home, and fil’s mother provided them with full time childcare so my mil could get back to work.

None of this help has been offered to their son (my dp) not that they have to, but my gmil is horrified that none of the assistance that she gave her son and dil have been given to the next generation (myself and dp).

Personally I don’t accept money or help from people I don’t like, so it’s a big whatever from me, but it definitely doesn’t endear me to them, and they will have a very minimal relationship to our baby. (Not just because of this but a multitude of issues we have had with them).

noix, plenty of former generations’ parents didn’t have help with childcare. I didn’t, my own (DM born 1918) didn’t, and neither did any of her siblings - all lived too far away from GPs. It often seems to be assumed that most people have family living conveniently around the corner - many don’t.

I offered one day a week with the first Gdc, but because we live 60 miles away that meant staying the night before. I was already 67 when the first arrived, so when the 2nd arrived only 15 months later, I knew I’d find it that much more tiring - we offered to help with childcare costs instead - yes, I know we were fortunate to be able to do so.
I/we still willingly do one-offs and emergencies, if we can.

Why is making decisions based on your head ‘cold’, and painted as a negative thing?

Yes, human decision making is erratic, but that doesn’t change the fact that the ones responsible for bearing the consequences are the decision makers themselves. Making an emotionally driven choice, however normal and understandable, does not mean that other people are required to step in.

And yes, it is perfectly possible (and oftentimes desirable) to overrule your heart with your head. We’re not actually slaves to our emotions, helpless in the face of them. Not wanting to make a particular choice does not mean you’re incapable of making it. Self control is generally considered to be a desirable trait, is it not?

thats the child she raised, with those values

Its shit for her, but seriously

My sister off-loaded her kids to both sets of grandparents for free childcare because she was too lazy to do her own parenting. I thought was a massive piss-take and I know both the grandmothers felt put upon. My sister definitely felt entitled and believed it was "their duty". She even dumped an unwanted dog on one of them.

I never expected “childcare” from anyone for my DCs. I was a SAHM but if I’d needed to work then I would have used professional childcare. BUT an occasional night out with my DH would have been nice. My own GPs often babysat when I was small and I used to go and stay with them for a week at a time. DH had a similar experience with his own GPs. My DCs never stayed with GPs unless I was staying there too and my dad babysat ONCE when I only had one DC, FIL also did once. From what I saw of my friends they all had regular nights out / breaks away thanks to their parents babysitting - I think it’s pretty normal and yes, I was bitter about it….

so if the gc are the responsibilty of the gps, then where do the parents come in?

Meh, the grandparents have raised those adult children- they're responsible if they've turned out entitled and ungrateful!

OK, I know it's not always that simple. But my own dad has said many times that he won't be tied to regular childcare, which is fair enough! And so I never built my life around the assumption of plentiful free childcare.

He's fantastic about helping out in emergencies, he's stepped in before when the childminder has been ill etc, but he expects me to arrange and pay for the regular childcare I need - this feels like a great arrangement to me, and I'm very grateful for when he does step in and help out.

I was never looked after by my grandparents (I only had the 1 set on my dad's side my mum's parents died before I was born), thank the Lord. Nasty pair of fuckers they were. My own parents helped out, more so when I became a single parent, but that help was always offered by them and never expected by me.

By the time I retired, my grandchildren were all in their 20s!

You ok hun? 🙄

She’s presumably talking about baby boomers who were able to survive on one wage and were easily able to buy property which has risen in price hugely, while their kids can’t afford a house and both parents have to work.

However, it isn’t the grandparents who have created the system.

Such stereotyping on this thread..
A lot of bitterness too which is sad as a lot of pps equating free childcare with love for grandchildren.
In middle age, after grafting for years with no end in sight are we as grandparents a resource to plunder?
If you are all concerned about lack of decent childcare campaign for change, do something more positive!
Lower your lifestyle expectations for a few years and go part time or pay for it.
Family member spent 55k on wedding fell pregnant after six months. That could have easily paid for a long stint at home, but the big wedding, house, lifestyle maintenance forced her back.
Shall we give up our incomes so you dont have to cut back?

Well, my mother had 8 children. Shifted many of us off to grandparents for the summer and other holidays or expected us kids to help parent her kids. I spent most of the holidays with my grandparents and most weekends.

no my mother didn’t work.

I think it’s the least she can do is provide what her mother did for her.

and no she still doesn’t work.

We never got any help from grandparents - they refused to even babysit if the kids were awake (both sets!) Not surprisingly they aren't close!

I think it is ridiculous how much help modern parents seem to demand as their right now. I managed to go to work and bring my child up on my own, 300 miles away from family and with a husband in the services who was away more than he was home.
I've known grandparents in their late 60's looking after one year olds while the parents go abroad on holiday!
Why is it seen to be so much harder for them now, genuine question? (We had to pay for every single day at nursery too, no voucher scheme then.)

Well, duh. Of course it’s retired people volunteering, because working people are at work!
These groups will likely disappear by the time I’m retired (I’m in my 20s) because people won’t be retiring as there will be no state pension and fewer people will own property.

So much this. It is always women fucking working till they drop.

Honestly, I despair of the attitude of some people on here. People should not be having children if they are reliant on using their grandparents as free childcare. It’s great if GP’s want to help out with ad hoc babysitting but the parents need to be aware that circumstances may change as time goes on. Grandparents have their own lives too.

In my 70s, always worked,(irresponsible first H, got behind with the mortgage) frequently had 4 jobs. Second marriage,baby at 41, grandmother at 42,looked after DGKs, plus working FT nights,THEN father who was terminally ill,and an 80 mile round trip. Have spent the past 8 years helping out with DGKs,and said I would when I retired, also an 80 mile round trip (they recently moved 5 miles away, been taking them to school 5 miles each way, but in different directions, plus collecting.

I didn’t say making rational cold cost benefit motivated decisions was negative @whumpthereitis. You’re reading a lot into the word cold which can be used to mean the opposite of hot headed, or emotional.

Nor did I say other people were required to step in.

You’ll see from a previous message I posted that I said I agreed with the OP that grandparents shouldn’t feel pressured into offering childcare, but that in a similar spirit to the way OP is expecting parents to rationally chose to have kids or not, grandparents who don’t want to provide any care should just step up and say so. Problem solved.

What I said was that wasn’t typical human behaviour to make decisions in this rational calculating way and that it was therefore a bit disingenuous / credulous for OP to ask why people have kids if they can’t afford them, when the vast vast majority of life decisions aren’t made in a way that is informed by future economic predictions.

Erm, could we all just agree that childcare is too expensive in this country and successive Governments are repeatedly turning a blind eye to this? This factor is surely at the root of any tension here.

My continental friends cannot believe what I pay for childcare (it's between 1600/1800 pcm for nursery in London).

I also have 2 disabled sons, one I am carer for.

Ah you're the entitled one then.

Someone I know said to me about her mum 'they're her grandkids she has to baby sit them, that's her job.' I sat there and my mouth nearly hit the floor. That attitude is disgusting and so wrong.

I work full time still and it has been my DH who has regularly minded DGD by himself.