Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

[Hope54321]

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

Haven't RTFT but my parents used to provide mostly all childcare for my brother and his now ex wife ,when it came to me they were too old they said to help and they've done their bit which I do agree with to a certain extent both my parents and in laws live within 5 min drive away but neither have had to have my children longer then 2 hours. My husband's sister however expects my MIL to provide childcare 7 days a week, she doesn't even give her a break at weekends when they all come for lunch and dinner as they can't be bothered to cook for themselves. My mil hasn't been on holidays for ages and they give her both small children age 1 and 2 to have on her own and she admits to others she can't handle it but she has no choice.

I expected that they would want to help and they did. I wouldn't expect anyone to do it full time or give up anything in order to do it, but in my family people help one another out and live close by. There always used to be extended family looking after kids in days gone by, and people lived with one another in large households, no-one had professional childcare and all the women in my family have always worked! We also run parents and inlaws to medical appointments, pick them up from holidays, look after their dogs. I find the modern expectation/or the only way they can live is that couples live miles away on their own with no help more weird TBH.

YANBU

I saw the strain poor MIL was put under because of this entitled attitude form BIL & SIL. And she still worked FT!! Then when the kids hit school age she stopped being invited on family holidays because clearly she was of no use to them. I’m surprised how many parents have similar attitudes

That’s right, it’s all the boomers’ fault what a load of old shite.

It should never be expected that grandparents will help though many enjoy it.

I am a sucker for my DC if there was anything I could do to help make life easier for them I'd be happy to help.

My parents helped me, Dad was very close to DS and enjoyed occasional child care.

As a grandparent I can tell you all about the world I created. I paid taxes from the age of 18 onwards - as of Sunday that will be 48 years of taxes. I have been a trade unionist for 50 years, and have fought for equality, wages, conditions and childcare. I have argued and campaigned for better health care, for better and more social housing, and for an education system that children deserve that isn't based on wealth buying success. I fought the poll tax, apartheid, and numerous other injustices. I could continue the list, but I have been fighting to create a better world for so long and on so many fronts that I have forgotten half of what I have done.

And I can't afford to retire, I can't afford to look after your children, and it was the younger generations who sold us all down the swanee with their "I'm all right Jack" attitudes that destroyed the very things we fought for and means that like many of my generation TWO people had to go out to work, with no childcare provision at all.

No mate - this is the world YOU created. Equality, justice and fairness doesn't arrive unannounced - you have to fight for them. And for decades we were called the old dinosaurs tilting at windmills. So forgive me if I have no sympathy that you don't like your world. So stop whining and go out and change it.

Honestly
My mother was very clear with us in that while she'd be happy to help out on an ad hoc basis, she wouldn't want to be tied to a permanent arrangement and honestly i feel exactly the same, My oldest is 12 and youngest 9 and i fantasize about the days they are more self sufficient, I spend all my time feeding them, driving them around, helping with homework and arranging playdates. I do it because its my job ( on top of my 40 hour a week job) but would I in 20 years be signing up do it again ( even on a slightly easier basis), No way.
I dream of travelling a little, taking up all the hobbies I have on my bucket list.
Its nice if people want to do it but its fine if they don't as well, Doesn't make them bad people and totally unfair of people to expect it

I grew up with working parents. My grandparents didn’t watch us so my parents could work. We were latch key kids. Walked ourselves to/from school and stayed home in the house/garden until my mother came home from work. She worked locally so was home much earlier than dad, who worked in the city.

we never had grandparents to look after our children.

do really it is false statement above about grandparents always looking after grandchildren. My husband didn’t have his grandparents look after him either (boarding school).

my kids are old enough to have children. We can’t wait to be grandparents BUT that does not mean we will be giving up jobs/retirement to care for them weekly. Yes, we’ll watch them for occasional date nights, will want to take the grandchildren places and hopefully on holidays but not as regular childcare.

I agree OP, there does seem to be an increased sense of 'entitlement'.

It is almost as if some mums still think of themselves as being children, as if the relationship with their parents has never evolved from child-parent, to adult-adult.

As soon as I became an adult I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I did.
I was the young one with energy to manage a full time job, travel, a busy household and keeping in touch with family.

I did not 'expect' that my elderly parents should be expected to do anything for me. It was my time to spoil them! My parents had done it all for me when I was a child so when I was the adult - becoming stronger and more able when they were becoming less able - for me it was no longer ‘what can my parents do for me?’ but ‘what can I do for my parents?’.

I always had emotional support but I never viewed them as ‘defective grandparents’ because they didn’t babysit or spend their retirement helping me or didn’t ask after the children enough. I viewed it (very happy to do so) as my job to make the weekly phone calls, check that they were alright and keep them up to date with pics and news about the children. Visits were always more of a family event with all of us.

I never asked for babysitting. I organised babysitters. It wasn’t hard to do, swapping with other mums when the children were younger and making sure I had a long list of local trusted teenagers when the children were older.

Point is, I was an ADULT. I sucked up the hard parenting times, just as I knew my own parents had once done for 18 years, for me. I didn’t want them to have to babysit or child mind, I wanted them to enjoy life and enjoy their freedom.

It's hard to know because each family is different. I'm one that maybe you would call entitled as my DM was initially resistant to looking after DS (12mo) 1 day a week, but DF was very keen so I pushed it and she agreed. However, we voluntarily pay for nursery that day anyway in order to be able to change the arrangement as soon as it's not working for them, or if they want to go on holiday at the last minute etc.

I think a lot of families are in the financial situation where if DGP didn't do at least some regular childcare, they would not have enough disposable income left at the end of the month, and I think it is absolutely horrendous that subsidising childcare from 6 months is not at the front of any party's policies when we have some of the most expensive in the world. But then that of course should be voluntarily agreed with the DGP before the grandchildren are conceived, if you can't afford it you should really save up or wait, it's not your own parents' responsibility.

I know a GP who says she sees tonnes of grandparents on the edge of burnout or breakdown because when they agreed to do one day a week for a sweet little 6 month old they never discussed an exit plan and are now doing childcare for a rampaging 4 year old and a 2 year old sibling that since appeared. An exit plan is super important - the adult child needs to know and understand there will be situations the GP doesn't want to do it any more and that it is their prerogative and withholding affection or time with the DGC is not fair.

Completely agree.

It was not the norm when I was young. I wonder how old you are?
It was fairly normal for working single parents as there was no childcare tax credit, so for most childcare would have taken up nearly their whole wage. It is why those without family to provide this usually did not work.

I know. My jaw dropped when I read that. And then we have the “They had their turn, it’s your turn now” posts. Which is it?

As a grandparent myself I'll be working for at least another 10 years before I even get to the state retirement age. If I retire before then I'll incur major financial penalties and would presumably risk becoming a burden to my children simply to keep a roof over my head.
My grandson lives 80 miles away and it costs approximately £30 in fuel just to babysit him for a day.People need to be realistic.

I'm so sick of being told I didn't need to work in the 70s and 80s. Why did I run myself ragged when apparently it was possible for us to live on what my husband earned. We were obviously doing something very wrong because our mortgage was crippling. I only knew one mum who didn't work, the rest of us all did, some fulltime and some parttime. If only we'd had the younger generation of MN to tell us we didn't need to.

@notalwaysalondoner DF was probably keen as he does not do the actual hard work.

My parents are late 40s/50s. My mum only did her degree once I went to university and started her new career in early 40s. I can’t imagine everyone’s parents are retired with nothing to do all day!

Your argument doesn’t work - because those grandparents didn’t ask to be born either! No one asks to be born so surely we don’t owe anybody

I have two kids. My sister has two, one with special needs. My brother has SEVEN, one with special needs, and another one the way.

My father is physically disabled due to a side effect from chemo and my mother is beginning to suffer severe memory loss issues.

The idea that these two people who put in their time and raised their own children could ever be expected or obligated to somehow provide childcare for twelve grandchildren just baffles me. They did their part. They raised the kids they chose to have. We're raising the kids we choose to have now that we're adults.

agree 100% - we are brilliant in this country at fighting amongst ourselves when we should be asking why is the situation so crap for parents and what is gov doing about it

The entitlement writ large.

I just think its sad when grandparents dont want to help out. They and the children really miss out. My mum never worked and i still grew up with a very close bond with my grandparents. They are everything to me. Over 90 years old now and i still go to see them 3-5 times a week! I have 10+ cousins and all the ones living close by see them as regularly as me.
My parents watch my children often now and also my nieces and nephews. Its the best thing to watch their bond grow strong. Its such a wonderful relationship.
Of course they shouldnt be made to offer childcare, but i would be incredibly sad if my parents didnt want this relationship with my kids.

I didn't ask to be born is the argument of a petulant teenager, not an adult.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking but you have to be prepared to be told no.
If I'd have asked for childcare long term my dp would have said no I'm certain and why should they look after dc? They're retired for a reason.

I don't think @tfresh is wrong. The idea of NOT having someone at home to care for children is very very new, whether it be grandparents or a SAHM or a combination. Being a SAHM is financially impossible for most of us, BECAUSE of the economy, lending strategies and voting choices our parents have handed to us. We didn't create this ourselves on purpose.

We didn't spontaneously choose an economy where a 2 bedroom "starter home" in the SE is 20 times the average person's salary on top of £1200 a month for full time nursery per child.

Very few of us earn enough to comfortably pay for full time childcare and a mortgage. My mother stayed at home AND my father's family was nearby for babysitting and overnight stays, and their first home cost the equivalent of 2 year's salary for my Dad.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect our parents to provide the same support they freely enjoyed when many of us were babies.

The idea of NOT providing this support is quite alien in many countries.