Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

[Hope54321]

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

The price of our first house purchase together was made on the basis one of us would cut hours if we had any DC and what we'd be able to afford to pay. I'd previously saved up a large deposit and DH also worked evenings to add extra to add extra.

It was our choice to have DC, we didn't consult our parents nor did we expect them to child mind daily. Just as well as MIL later said that as she'd had four DC herself, she'd have to be fair and say she couldn't look after any of them in case she ended up with all seven. My DM limited help to odd babysitting duties, showed no interest in anything more and I didn't expect her to. DH worked in the week and for a while had a few hours a week in the evenings, I worked at weekends and when DC went to school at local school

Funniest post I've read here in a while.

Back to the op - anyone who thinks that grandparents have any obligation to provide childcare have not met my mother (or any of my family actually). We all get on really well, are close and supportive but we all live independently.

GPs have always provided childcare for the younger generation in my family and I will do the same for DD if she chooses to have grandchildren. It’s just what we do in our family

All well and good to say that now (a bit like how people are much better parents when their kids are hypothetical) but what happens when you’re having to work full time in spite of ailing health or even just normal ageing?

On a more general level:
No one is obliged to provide childcare for anyone else’s children, whether you think they should want to or not. The world is very different now, it’s not just parents who are having to work to keep a roof over their heads.

The bottom line is, they’re your kids, if a grandparent is able to and wants to help look after them, fine, but don’t assume and don’t take it for granted (and don’t get over dramatic when they do something differently from how you want it done, if they’re doing you a favour).

My mother spent years avoiding her grand kids and is now just as successfully avoiding great grand kids!! There is no way any of us would have left children with her. Dogs yes, children no. She hates kids!

Firstly this post is making a generalisation about parents attitude or lack of attitude based, presumably, on a few trending mumsnet threads - although OP do clarify if this is based on any other sources.

Also lots of parents don’t get, want or expect any help from grandparents - can’t think many parents in my immediate circle that arn’t paying through the nose for childcare.

And the whole ‘why have children if you can’t afford x,y,z’ is pretty short sighted… people circumstances change, cost are going up. None of us have a window into the future and frankly we do little in this country to actually make life easier for working parents.

Wow….just wow. A perfect example of the entitlement referred to in the OP! Some people are utterly deluded about years past and seem to think older people have all enjoyed some sort of financial eutopia. Some things they had easier, some harder. It’s very ignorant to make such blanket judgements about an entire generation and as for acting like they all owe you…wow, so embarrassing. And I’m in my thirties btw before some twat comes along calling me a ‘boomer’. Grow up!

It’s totally fair if grandparents are unable to help with childcare. I think friction occurs when one adult child sees them giving up their free time to provide childcare, whilst the grandparents are unwilling to provide any help for their other children.

My niece and her daughter are very close to my Mum. My 2 now adult children are not so close (to their my Mum or my recently deceased Dad). My Mum was always minding my niece during school holidays (she worked for over 40 years in a school), but never looked after my children as she was ‘too tired from looking after Flossie’ (my niece).

That was a kick in the teeth, but hey ho. I worked from home, did night & evening work with my DH on dad-shift. But it has left a noticeable gap in the relationship my parents do with my niece versus my kids. And no matter how many years have passed, and now how often I bring my now elderly Mum here or help her, there’s a tangible quiet between my kids & their Nan.

My sister of course never helps my Mum; evening & weekend care falls to me (because I work from home, I must therefore be able to drop everything whenever there’s the smallest issue 🙄), and her office job is oh so important, despite having had free childcare for nearly 15 years. But that’s a whole other bucket of worms beyond the scope of this discussion!

To a degree I think this is a problem with such huge generational inequality. Many grandparents own 4 bed property and have good pensions whilst their children are poorer and don’t own or own a small flat.

Until we see generational equality there will be this pressure.

I agree 100% - my parents and my DH parents help with occasional childcare and usually as they request it when they want to spend time with our DD we then take advantage of it to have the opportunity of a date night.

My DD has been in nursery part time since she was 1 and I went back to work (also PT).

Recently though our situation has changed a little so rather than it being every month or so my mum is helping for a day every few weeks. I have no expectation and we would have muddled through but it was freely offered and gratefully received. Generationally things are different my grandparents lived the next road over and looked after us every day after school, my gran was a sahm but my parents are both working age and work full time. We also dont live that local daily childcare help is even possible so it never even factored into our childcare considerations (did see a bizarre post the other day where someone was basing their ttc journey on grandparents location and providing childcare).

TTC #2 is going to be based on when my daughter has her funded hours at nursery, I appreciate not everyone has the luxury of that and everyone's journey is their own but thats our current thought process.

This is a joke, right? Just checking.

Agreed op. I know of people who take the piss out of their parents on childcare. Some don't even bloody work and have a lot of family money so don't need free care, they just prefer it to spending their money. Grandmother is run ragged, doesn't know how to say no. It's a shame.

I have provided childcare for my dgs and will continue to do so in the school holidays. Did I enjoy it? No, it's a hard slog and I can think of a hundred other things I would prefer to do but I love my dd and will do what I can to help her. I have felt taken advantage of at times but I suspect that dd thinks that I enjoy having dgs where in reality seeing him for a couple of hours with dd at the weekend, as I do now he is in pre school full time, is more than enough for me.

Considering that we have to work until we are 66 and lots of us worked from age 16, and have worked while we had our own children, I'm surprised more women don't refuse to do unpaid childcare. This is the first time in my life that I have fewer responsibilities and some money to try to do things that I enjoy, in a few years more I'll probably be unable to get around so much. When is there likely to be any time for me? (BTW with 2 adult kids with disabilities I still have some responsibilities, but I can at least enjoy more time to myself)
Childcare was expensive when mine were young as well, and it wasn't easy, nothing has changed in that regard.

Also in response to “why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for childcare?”

Errr because not everyone is super rational, responsible, always makes financially motivated decisions or is capable of knowing exactly how their circumstances or the amount of support given by the government might change for the better or worse in the future. Especially when it comes to emotionally motivated decisions like having children.

You might as well ask, why do people have kids at all with the looming threat of climate change? Or, why do people get credit cards? Or, why do people eat cake and red meat ever when they know rationally that a kale and lentil diet is better for them? Or, why do people get married ever when the divorce rate is so high? Or, why does anyone buy a car when a bike and the train are cheaper, healthier and better for the environment?

Or even, why do people have kids, when one day those kids will have kids if their own and ask them to help with childcare? May as well just not bother.

How many of your life decisions are honestly motivated by a rational cold cost benefit analysis? And if yours are, do you think that’s the usual way, or do you recognise that the majority of human behaviour is more erratic, emotional and differently motivated than that?

Some bizarre comments here.

I have to say that I don't agree with you from my own experience, OP, though I'm prepared to admit that this might be a regional thing and also depend on whether it is common for young adults in a particular area to move away from their families for work.

I don't know a single family around us who rely on grandparents to provide regular childcare, except one who live in a multi-generational household where they care for the grandparents. Lots of grandparents do the odd weekend or evening, or help out with weekend activities, but that seems the limit. However, we do live in London, it's quite expensive around here, parents seem to be older, smaller families seem the norm (common to have one child, more than 2 unusual) and people tend to have moved for work and don't live that close to family. So not much entitlement around here. Instead, lots of panicked parents on the school/nursery WhatsApp groups picking other parents' brains on nurseries/nannies/babysitters and how to plug childcare gaps, or begging occasional favours due to running late or traffic problems.

Maybe it's different in different areas. My aunt provides 1-2 days a week childcare for her daughter, which I think isn't unusual where they live.

Maybe grandparents should think about this before having children themselves then, I wish I had grandparents to help out with childcare my mum lives ages away and my dad is a black cab driver and I’m not expecting to give up his self employment to look after my child but he does pick her up from school occasionally if I have to work late.

If grandparents are not working and are happy to provide childcare then why not however if They don’t want to they shouldn’t have to..children shouldn’t make them either …but at the same time I’ve had a daughter and I know what it’s like out there in the world especially with learning and work so I’m happy to provide childcare if she ever has a child in future As I knew this might be a possibility when I got pregnant

I know someone who went and recently got a qualification in order to do a particular job that is not remotely suited to her being a single parent with young children who require childcare. She just expected her parents to provide childcare for 12 hour shifts both during the day and night shifts. They recently retired and bought a holiday home where they were hoping to spend lots of time at. They had to keep coming home, to another country to provide childcare. They have just sold their holiday home and are now back living in their house to provide childcare. Friends attitude is, well they need to provide childcare, I can't afford to pay someone nor do my shifts fit around childcare providers. The grandparents aren't happy about it but feel they have no choice.

🧐

Some grandparents do need to learn how to say no. To be pushovers to this extent is just ridiculous.

My own parents never had regular childcare for me and my sister when we were young - both sets of grandparents were too far away. Yes we sometimes spent a few days there over holidays but the whole idea of regular childcare is so alien to me. My own kids are now teens but we followed the same pattern when they were little - my parents are 90 minutes away, inlaws are 3 hours away - so although the kids spend a weekend there during holidays, regular childcare, picking up from school etc just wasn't an option.

I don't agree that it's all grandmother's. As a teacher l see its mostly grandads that pick up from school and the dc talk about their gd bringing them to football etc. I actually think the gds enjoy it as they get bored and fidgety at home and it breaks up their day. I know the gas are involved too but they are pretty hands on.

My bil has minded his gc two days a week for years..other GPS do the other days. His wife works so he is full on and loves it. He is semi retired and does his work from home on the other days. His other children are moving quite near him and it's obvious they have their eye on him as their childminder too.

I’m a Generation X-er & have seen the whole Boomer catastrophic utopia unravelling for nearly 50 years now, and whilst Boomers, by their very nature having been born at a time where prosperity was rising, there was cheap & affordable housing & they could have jobs for life, even I can see, with the inequality our Gen Y & Millennial children face, that Boomers don’t have a moral obligation to look after their grandchildren.

However, should they choose to, make it equitable between siblings, whatever generations are involved.

Most of us Gen X-ers who are becoming grandparents now are juggling elderly parents, teenage children & the prospect of grandchildren, with work (in my case, contracting here & there). Whilst I don’t have grandchildren yet, I will try & ensure an equal time split for my children, or try to help financially if I can. One of my adult kids is 50 miles away - we no longer live in single town families due to following the work, few of us settle into single jobs for life - but I’ll be sure to reach an equilibrium with my kids so neither feels like they are being disadvantaged or favoured by the time or help I can give.

I'd be happy to have grandparents who would babysit so DH and I could go out for the odd evening (we live too far away for that sadly). Meanwhile Mum has saved DBro and SIL a fortune by providing childcare three days a week for years and years. She even looked after their children for a week so they could go to a destination wedding. Never offered to come and look after our children though so DH and I have only had 2 nights away from the children in 15 years.

wow that is some ,mental gymnastics!

In the past, we had a village. Now we have none. Parents get no break.