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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
00100001 · 21/09/2022 16:30

Go to your brother's wedding.

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

Unbridezilla · 21/09/2022 16:33

I would go to your friend's wedding.

You and your daughter are in the bridal party and asked first and you had it in the family calendar since before your brother got engaged. Sure your brother will be disappointed, but if he really wanted you there that badly he could have picked a different date.

Crucible · 21/09/2022 16:34

Good Lord go to your friend's wedding. They'll get over it!

cindylouwhosplaits · 21/09/2022 16:34

Absolutely stuck with your friend- it was booked first and I'm sure your brother could probably amend his date a lot easier if it's only been booked a short while.

TeenDivided · 21/09/2022 16:34

When my DB got married, he checked the date was OK for me and my family before it was booked.
I really don't know what you should do. if your DB cared enough he'd have checked the date first.

andtheweedonkey · 21/09/2022 16:34

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

^
This.

He can't say he didn't know.

chocolatecheesecake · 21/09/2022 16:34

I agree with lolloped. Why can't your brother change the date? He only got engaged last week so can't have booked anything. We coordinated our wedding date with another couple who had a lot of the same friends so people would be able to go to both.

Ridley10 · 21/09/2022 16:34

It doesn’t sound like plans have even started for your brother’s wedding so why can’t he move the date? If he wanted you there so badly he’d look at trying to work around your friend’s wedding. I know family is important but you’re committed to your friend’s wedding and you’re in the wedding party.

LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 16:34

Your DB should’ve checked you were free. Stick with the friend and ignore your family

gatehouseoffleet · 21/09/2022 16:35

Unbridezilla · 21/09/2022 16:33

I would go to your friend's wedding.

You and your daughter are in the bridal party and asked first and you had it in the family calendar since before your brother got engaged. Sure your brother will be disappointed, but if he really wanted you there that badly he could have picked a different date.

I agree with this.

A friend came to my wedding rather than her cousin's wedding because she said yes to me first. OK cousin isn't as close as brother (usually) but she still put my wedding first (and she wasn't a bridesmaid either).

Ignore your parents' childcare threats, presumably they want to see their grandchildren.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 16:35

Your family sounds like a bunch of manipulative arseholes.

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

HyggeTygge · 21/09/2022 16:37

Etiquette is that you honour the commitment you made first.

He surely hasn't got anything booked yet has he? You're totally fair to tell him you can't make that date, and that he should have already known that... needs to up his calendar game if he thinks he's ready for married life!!

LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 16:37

What can’t he pick another date? He’s only been engaged a week, they can’t have booked it yet?

Etinoxaurus · 21/09/2022 16:37

He needs to change the date!
Flowers

Cakecakecheese · 21/09/2022 16:37

I would be less inclined to a wedding where they just expect you to drop your other commitments at their say do.

Quveas · 21/09/2022 16:38

Yes, brother should change the date if he is so bothered about you being there. It isn't as though your reason is cursory - you have a very good reason and something important that has been planned for a long time. And I'd probably start looking for other childcare if your parents think that childcare is something they can hold hostage to make you behave how they like.

Catnuzzle · 21/09/2022 16:38

You have a prior engagement that was already accepted, you go to your friends wedding. Your brother rearranges his wedding if it's that important to him you are there.

Octomore · 21/09/2022 16:39

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

This.

Your had already agreed to be in your friend's bridal party, so that takes precedence. Your brother had the option of checking first, he chose not to do so.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/09/2022 16:39

Your Dparents threat of withdrawing childcare is escalating the situation unnecessarily. I'd go to your friend's wedding. It was booked, put on the family calendar and your part in it confirmed first.

toddlingtortoise · 21/09/2022 16:39

Of course you go to your brothers wedding, I am slightly aghast you have even considered otherwise. Not ideal for him to have booked it on the same date as your friends but there you go

Confrontayshunme · 21/09/2022 16:39

Can you be in your friend's ceremony then go to your brother's evening do/breakfast if there aren't too far away?

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 16:39

If he only just got engaged presumably he hasn't booked anything? So if he wants you there he has to change the date. What is the point of having a family shared calendar if its not going to be used? Utterly pointless.

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/09/2022 16:39

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

That's a very selfish attitude. The friends wedding will be spoiled if OP isn't there. The OP should stick with the prior commitment

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