To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

[WeddingsChoice]

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
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My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

When my husband and I got engaged, we picked a few dates that we were happy with. We then contacted the friends and family that were particularly important to us that they could be there and asked them if there were dates they couldn’t do. From that we were able to narrow down to 2 dates and picked accordingly. It’s down to the B&G to make sure the date suits all of those that they “have” to have there - not for those guests to make it work at the expense of existing plans and friends! I know you have said you like your brothers fiancé….. does she like you? Did she have access to this shared calendar? If so, it seems odd that she’s pick the one date you cannot make and be adamant it cannot change. The only exception would be if that date had significant meaning to her (eg the birthday of a deceased relative/friend, anniversary with your brother (but even that one I’m sure there are other anniversaries they could choose), etc).

in fact this thread has reminded me that after we set the date, got everything booked, etc my dad suddenly realised that the date we had booked was usually the weekend the FA Cup final was held. My parents ran the biggest and busiest “sporting” pub in the town we lived - literally 3 big screens and dozens of tv’s including on the roof outside and a building that would be packed with a good 200-300 people for big football matches. I emailed the FA to explain the situation and ask if they had the date yet for the following season. They replied to say they didn’t, sorry. So we left the date and hoped for the best…. Amazingly when the new season was announced the season ended 1 week later than usual and so the FA Cup final was a week later too! So if I could get the FA to change their footballing schedule*, I’m sure your brother can re-arrange the date to suit you too!

I think you are proving yourself to be a wonderful friend and I have no doubt your friend will realise just how much she means to you because of this.

*I don’t actually think they changed because of my email, but it’s always been a long-standing joke that they must have listened to me!

Your brother should absolutely have checked with you first! When we planned our wedding we had what we called the "A list" - parents and siblings and a couple of friends, who absolutely HAD to be there, who we took into consideration when we picked the date.
And I might add it was a pain - my brother was in the army so left us with literally 3 dates in a 6-month period. My MIL had a month-long holiday booked that we wouyld have worked around if my brother hadn't already ruled out those dates!

My Brother and Sister are currently both planning their weddings and both checked with the immediate family that we were free first! Before announcing the date to the wider family/friends or booking anything.

Your friend invited you first. Simple really, plus you and your daughter have specific roles in your friends wedding. I'm more concerned about your familys manipulative behaviour quite frankly! So if you don't go they'll never speak to you again/never help with childcare?? Wow. Call their bluff. My response would be 'ok, well it's a shame you need to feel the need to be so manipulative but there we go. We'll see you whenever, '

You go to your friends wedding , you are part of the wedding party. Your brothers been engaged for a week. Theyve got a date in their heads , if they want you there they can change it to the week before or the week after. Most people planning a wedding will generally put " the feelers" out" certainly to close family , to make sure it suits everyone. Dont get me started on the threats from your family!! It does not bode well on the rest of their wedding plans if theres no room for flexibility.x

You've already accepted your friends invitation, and you are her bridesmaid. So, according to etiquette you should go to her wedding.

Your brother is being inflexible and should have checked dates with key family members.

My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

I'd go to friend's wedding anyway as you're in the wedding with DD and she asked you first but this ^ comment would make me doubly want to go to friend's wedding. I don't accept bullying anywhere in my life.

Absolutely this! Well put.

being held to ransom by family is never a good dynamic.

good luck op.

You'd already agreed to friends wedding and you are a huge part of their day being a Bm and daughter FG

And your parents sound vile and manipulative OP.

If was on family calendar why did he book on this date @WeddingsChoice

he is just engaged. They have literally chosen the date. They can change it

sad tho that they aren’t having his only
niece as bridesmaid

ask brother and fiancé how they would feel if best man and bm suddenly pulled out afted agreeing

I would go to friends

Go to your friend’s wedding.

your brother/family should understand.

Update from STBSIL:

It's not a big fancy wedding they just want to be married, my parents and hers are trying to make it into something it's not. DBro panicked a bit because he was going to ask me to be his witness as he was mine and he did what he does when he panics and shouts and demands (this is actually true, it was always the same as kids, he has an anxiety disorder so can imagine he went into panic pretty much when I said it) apparently once he calmed down he wanted to apologise but was worried I'd be annoyed with him so put it off and put it off.

I said I wanted to be there, would love to witness and DD would not want to miss out either even though she's not part of the wedding party she'll love wearing a pretty dress/suit and watching them say I do. I offered to help look for a date that everyone who needs to be there can do and to pay any lost deposits, apparently the only thing they've lost is the deposit for the venue which was only £50.

I've spoken to my mum and she said she didn't mean to threaten no childcare, she just wants both her DC together for the day as she knows we're close and get on well (we do speak on the phone most days and text in between). She's said sorry.

My dad I am leaving, as I know if I end up arguing with him he will cut me off like he did his siblings, so I am leaving it.

Off to call the Venue now on STBSILs behalf to explain.

*Sorry from speaking to STBSIL this is the update

Good outcome glad it’s all sorted. SIL to be sounds nice.

Fab outcome Op.

Great update. Pleased your mum apologised and hope your brother did eventually apologise as well.

That’s a really good update. I’m pleased everyone has seen sense and you’ve had apologies.

Sounds like a good result! Glad it's turned out this way!

Ah that's fantastic - well done to you and STBSIL for sorting it all out reasonably

That's great news. Thank goodness everything has been sorted out and those who reacted so rashly and unfairly have had the good grace to apologise. It must be a huge relief to you.

Good update but I'd have a long, hard time forgetting your mother's threats.

Is your SIL ok with marrying a man who shouts and demands when he's challenged?

@KosherDill As I said it's anxiety, he's ok if you explain things to him or do it in a way that takes the heat off like email or text it's just in that moment, and I think we all get a bit like that sometimes, I know I do.

Your future SIL sounds like a great addition to the family tbh - you and she sound like by far the most sensible and pragmatic ones in all this!

Glad things have calmed down and fingers crossed another date can be found.

OP. Well done. Glad you have managed to sort this so calmly. Brilliant. Hope you have an amazing time at both weddings and your DD does too!

Go to friend's wedding. Definitely agree to the reframing, brother choosing date over his sister.
The outrageous emotional blackmail from the parents would actually make me go to friend's wedding even more! I'd be having some low contact for a little while. What a nightmare and so avoidable too.