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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
N27 · 21/09/2022 17:15

I would go to friends. they booked first.

your brother has been engaged for a week, and I presume has previously heard about the bridesmaid/flower girl plans so should have thought to check!

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 21/09/2022 17:15

Wow, how horribly manipulative of your family, saying they will no longer help with childcare if you dont go to your Brothers wedding. I would struggle to forgive that attitude.

Redglitter · 21/09/2022 17:16

I'd definitely turn it back to him. If they're all hellbent on you being there, he needs to change the date. They must have just booked in the past few days so the hotel will surely have no problem moving their booking.

Even if his fiance does have her heart set on it he needs to explain the circumstances to her

user1475406595 · 21/09/2022 17:16

I vote go to your friends wedding you are part of the bridal party.

Carmakomelian · 21/09/2022 17:17

Also, two can play the emotional blackmail game. Point out to your parents that it would be really sad if they missed out on a relationship with their grandchild(ren) because brother was too disorganised to check the date

DarkShade · 21/09/2022 17:18

Friend all the way.

MimiSunshine · 21/09/2022 17:18

So your brother has obviously been secretly planning the wedding for a while if they’ve chosen a venue, visited it and booked it. The engagement ring was just a formality.

you’d barely get an email reply giving you a date to visit from an events venue within a week.

he most likely knew you were already committed to another wedding on that date. And just assumed you would back out of it for his.

id send your parents and brother the same message to say, they knew you were part of the bridal party for BFs wedding on that date. You can’t back out now and you’d have hoped Brother would have spoken to you about it first rather than everyone trying to manipulate you into pulling out and hurting your BF and daughter.

Carmakomelian · 21/09/2022 17:18

Sounds like there might be a hefty dose of sexism at play too. Golden child boy can't possibly be expected to sort out the mess he's made

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/09/2022 17:18

I was going to say what @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov said.

Ask your brother how he would feel if his best man pulled out due to similar circumstances.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/09/2022 17:20

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/09/2022 17:18

I was going to say what @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov said.

Ask your brother how he would feel if his best man pulled out due to similar circumstances.

Yep

SuperSue77 · 21/09/2022 17:20

Friend’s wedding for sure - brother should have checked dates with close family - my siblings did. My sister brought her wedding forward so I could attend as she knew I had already booked to go overseas for 3 months. Your bother has time to swap the date if he wants you there.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 21/09/2022 17:20

Your brother has put you in a terrible position completly unnecessarily and is placing all the responsibility to fix that (and all blame if you can't), squarely on you.

That's a rubbish thing to do whichever way you look at it.

Only if he had A Very Good Reason to choose that date is this even remotely fair (and then it's still horrid because you still have to miss one)

Given he is being unreasonable is prioritise the friend. Pity your family can't see that. You've been put in a intolerable position through no fault of your own.

RiftGibbon · 21/09/2022 17:22

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

  1. OP is part of her friends wedding. She isn't playing an active part in her DB's wedding.
  1. The friend asked first
  1. The wedding date has been on the calendar for ages.
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2022 17:22

My reply would be that it is standard etiquette to check dates with close family and the bridal party before booking dates. Seeing as the date of your friend’s wedding is on the family calendar, this situation was totally avoidable. You will not be able to attend his wedding as you have a prior engagement and you will not let either your friend or your dd down.

If your mum comes back with my child, my family malarkey, you can remind her that your child is important and she has no influence on the date of either wedding, unlike her manchild, who could change the date of their wedding.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 21/09/2022 17:23

If this lack of consideration and inflexible attitude is being driven by db's bride that doesn't bode well for future family relations. No reasonable person would have done this to you op

blitzen · 21/09/2022 17:23

If he only got engaged last week, it seems like they've booked the wedding really quickly. Could they change the date?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2022 17:23

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/09/2022 17:18

I was going to say what @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov said.

Ask your brother how he would feel if his best man pulled out due to similar circumstances.

Oooh that’s a good point.

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2022 17:23

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:42

My brothers date is booked in with the venue they want to use apparently and they've started looking at other things like cars and brothers asked his best man, but that's it. They've been talking about getting engaged for a few months apparently they just made it official last week.

It would have made sense to make sure all the people you really want to be at your wedding are available on the date.

If the date is more important (because of venue or whatever) you take your chances with who is and isn't available.

And are your parents willing to lose their DGC if they escalate this?

littlefireseverywhere · 21/09/2022 17:24

If he only got engaged last week, he’s hardly been a big the date for months. ? Do the wedding you were asked to first.

MrJi · 21/09/2022 17:24

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

Agree. We changed the date of ours as Sil had another wedding that day. Your db should choose another date.

saveforthat · 21/09/2022 17:25

Your brother can change the date. Many years ago my brother booked his wedding for when I would have been on holiday (big expensive holiday saved up for ages to book). He hadn't realised and changed the date of his wedding when I told him.

cluckinhell0 · 21/09/2022 17:25

I'd be turning it round on them, they obviously aren't that bothered about whether you can make it, to get engaged, book the wedding and kick off all within a week without even mentioning the date to close family to check it's ok for all the people they hold dear then tough.
It's not like you are just a guest at the other wedding which has been planned a long time and money has (hypothetically) been spent on you attending. I'm sure your brothers bride to be would be thrilled if in a years time 50% of her bridesmaids dropped out as 'family comes first'

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2022 17:25

forlornlorna1 · 21/09/2022 16:39

Family come first for me

Not when they start making threats.

kimchifox · 21/09/2022 17:25

He got engaged last week and has a date already? Has he actually booked the venue? Seems like fast work. I actually don't know what you should do but I'm annoyed on your behalf. (Not helpful, sorry!)

tillytown · 21/09/2022 17:26

BrokenWing · 21/09/2022 17:04

The timing is unfortunate, but a family wedding would always trump a friends for me. A good friend will completely understand. Your dd wanting to be a FG is irrelevant.

I don't understand people who think it's ok to crush the dreams of little kids, it's so bizarre to me.
OP, I'd go to the friends wedding, she is like a sister to you, she asked you first and she isn't trying to blackmail you. She sounds nicer than your family.