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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 21/09/2022 17:26

Your brother is being a total dick. Who on earth sets their heart on a date without running it by the key players first?

And as for your parents raising the stakes by getting involved and threatening to pull childcare… My parents have done similar, thankfully in the past, thinking they have leverage but actually just backing my sister and I into a corner. It just entrenches everyone and takes longer to sort out than if they’d just left it to sort out amongst ourselves.

I don’t have any advice, there’s no winners here it would seem.

Cosmos123 · 21/09/2022 17:27

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:42

My brothers date is booked in with the venue they want to use apparently and they've started looking at other things like cars and brothers asked his best man, but that's it. They've been talking about getting engaged for a few months apparently they just made it official last week.

Meet with your brother and partner in person.
Explain your situation.
Ask if there is anyway their date can be changed as it was booked recently.

Maybe offer help with rebooting etc.

If they can't then you need to speak to your friend ASAP.

And decide what u r going to do.

BirdinaHedge · 21/09/2022 17:27

Lolloped · 21/09/2022 16:32

If he wanted you there he would have checked the dates with you. I checked with mine and my husbands family and the wedding parties before booking a wedding date.

Yep - that was the practice in my family (when we were all getting married) - particularly as we all live all over the place, in about 3 different continents, so travel etc needed to be co-ordinated.

Your brother sounds as though he's picked the date on purpose, so that you have to choose. That is unreasonable of him.

kimchifox · 21/09/2022 17:28

Actually IF you think you have to put AnnoyingB first maybe you should be equally cheeky and say DC has to be a flower girl ... at least you will return the cat to run amongst their pigeons.. ( also not helpful, sorry again)

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 21/09/2022 17:28

Your family are willing to threaten to withdraw their support in an attempt to force your hand all because your db want organised enough to check the dates and the future dil 'has her heart set on it'
Wow. Just wow.
What about what you're friends wedding means to you, do the meaningful relationships that are significant in your life not count fire anything against those paltry factors.

The fix is dead simple and doesn't involve heavy leaning and threats!

AnotherAnxiousMess · 21/09/2022 17:29

He got engaged last week and he's already agreed a date with a venue. I'm calling bullshit. I think he's being incredibly unreasonable and I would choose your friends wedding. It was arranged first, you're part of the wedding party, if your brother cares that much about you being there, he can choose a different date.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/09/2022 17:29

He got engaged 5 minutes ago.

Spin it around, ask him how would his fiancee feel if one of her bridesmaid's pulled out for their brother's wedding? Play yo the I'm sure why would be devastated etc. Day same 5thing ti your family etc.

They can book the same date the following year if it's that important to them.

Any normal person checks the key date with intended wedding party and family first. Is it worth talking to her fiancee? If she won't move it at the risk of you being not being there is says a hell of a lot about her attitude towards your brother and his family

Dragonskin · 21/09/2022 17:29

Generally if there are any 'must have' guests you check the date is ok for them before fixing it. If they have only just got engaged they can set a different date as they won't have booked anything yet

PaperLanterns · 21/09/2022 17:31

It’s so hard. I’ve got the kind of family who kick off at this sort of thing. I couldn’t imagine not being at my brother’s wedding though he probably isn’t going to make mine next year because he lives overseas and won’t be able to come back.

I think I would stick with the friends then cause a family riot about how you’d been left out. Play the victim 🤪

I also disagree with people saying not to take DD’s role of flower girl into account. That’s a dream role for a little girl and to be promised it all then have it taken away isn’t a nice thing to do.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 21/09/2022 17:31

If its that important to your brother he can move his date.

ItsJustASimpleLine · 21/09/2022 17:33

Sorry you're in this position but if you need someone at an event you check the date with them first.

Go to your friends wedding.

Chickychoccyegg · 21/09/2022 17:34

There's no way I'd cancel on my friend,especially when myself and dd were in the wedding party, what a horrible way your db and parents are behaving , of course he can change his date, they're the ones that didn't check before booking, it's on him, and it's totally stupid that he never thought to check the family calendar, if that's what you as a family usually do, it just shows he's being completely selfish.

JasmineJJ · 21/09/2022 17:34

Madness. Your friend asked first, you're part of the wedding party. It's been booked in for ages. Your brother got engaged last week and can't possibly have booked anything yet. He's being unreasonable and your whole family sound like bullies. Not doing childcare ever again? Call their bluff. That's blackmail and I'd tell the lot of them to sod off out of principle.

BobDear · 21/09/2022 17:34

It is highly unlikely that they have booked the venue within a week of getting engaged.

It's uncomfortable but this is your brother's fault. I would actually turn this on it's head and be outraged that they have picked the ONE DATE that you can't possibly do due to an important commitment they are well aware of.

Seriously - this is on them. YOU be outraged. YOU be disappointed. YOU ask why on earth they would pick the one date the groom's sister can't attend.

billy1966 · 21/09/2022 17:37

Your parents threatening you is absolutely appalling.

Are they devoid of basic manners and decency?

You have already committed to a wedding.

Your brother should have double checked with both immediate families.......basic courtesy.

Your brother changes the date or you don't attend.

In your place have a good think about your parents behaviour.

Because I would be giving them a LOT of space on the basis of that threat.

Jedsnewstar · 21/09/2022 17:39

I would go to the friends wedding. Presumably she has spent money based on the fact you said yes. She also asked first.

Your brother had a ‘family calendar’ to go off. (Great idea by the way- we have one for the house but not a family one).

I spoke with close family when planning the date of our wedding. I am sure that’s a standard thing out of courtesy but mostly because you want to make sure the important people are there.

Your parent reaction using your child like that would massively piss me to off.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/09/2022 17:39

I'm disgusted by your parents - their behaviour is awful.

Go to your friends wedding. Your DB only got engaged last week and if you were that important to you he'd have checked you could make it.

chipsandpeas · 21/09/2022 17:42

I’d go to friends wedding

dontputitthere · 21/09/2022 17:42

Your family sounds like a bunch of dicks

Go to your friends wedding. She asked first. It's been in the calendar. Dd is looking forward to it. You have committed to this

Surely it's common sense you check with anyone vital to your wedding before you set the date?

Your parents sound vile manipulating bullies. I'd follow through with that threat. Shame they're going to miss their grandchildren growing up

I'm going to take a wild guess your brother is the golden child.

sageandbasil · 21/09/2022 17:43

I vote go to friends

GoneWithTheWine1 · 21/09/2022 17:43

I would tell them if it means that much to change the date. It would of took 5 seconds to look and seen your busy that day.

It's hardly a dentist appointment- you can't cancel on your friend.

TeaKlaxon · 21/09/2022 17:43

Please don’t try to do both. Your friend won’t just want you to be there for the ceremony and photos to do your bridesmaid duties. If you’re as close as you say, she’ll want to share the whole day with you and others she is really close to. The same would also be true of your Brother if he really wants you there.

Your friend may well understand if you choose DB or choose to leave hers earlier - good friends often are understanding - but her day will be worse without you.

And you’ll regret it too if you miss bits of it. I still talk to my friends about my wedding - the funny stories, the lovely sing song, the family dramas etc. I’d have been gutted if my best friend wasn’t there and I couldn’t share those memories with them. And likewise I’d be gutted to miss such an important day in their life.

Iloveacurry · 21/09/2022 17:43

Your brother has put you in a difficult position. It also seems too quick to get engaged and have a wedding booked within a week. If he had access to the family calendar then he would of known about your friend’s wedding. Go to your friends wedding.

balalake · 21/09/2022 17:43

I assume the timings and/or distance are such you cannot go to both? Or at least the ceremony for your friend and then the evening for your brother's wedding? I also expect if there was some very special reason for the date your brother has chosen he would have told you (only way say an elderly relative of his fiancée could attend seems one reason I could accept).

Very unreasonable of your brother though.

sageandbasil · 21/09/2022 17:44

It's nkt even a case of it's your friend. You and your daughter are I. The bridal party.