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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
ExecutiveStrategyCoordinator · 21/09/2022 16:39

Under these circumstances, friend.
Bro should have checked his key people were free on his dates, before booking.

forlornlorna1 · 21/09/2022 16:39

Family come first for me

LittleOwl153 · 21/09/2022 16:40

I was torn until your family started with the bullying nonsense. That would be the end if it for me. They won't have their grandchildren if you don't do what golden boy says... nah golden boy needs to learn he has to plan properly!

HeadNorth · 21/09/2022 16:40

Go to your friend's wedding - as a PP said, they'll get over it. DH & I didn't go to his siblings wedding for reasons that were important to us. There were tantys, but in the end, what can they do? Time heals and life goes on.

JustDanceAddict · 21/09/2022 16:40

Surely you check with close family they can make the date before you set it. Plus has he booked anything yet? I’d talk to him properly about it all.

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 16:40

My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go. fine they don't do childcare from now on then. If they are going to weaponise it you don't want them looming after your kids.

frazzledasarock · 21/09/2022 16:41

You honour the commitment you made to attend your friends wedding. You and your DD are part of her wedding party, you can’t ditch her, she’s probably started making preparations with you both in mind.

does your brother have any concrete plans anything paid for or has he just chosen a date and nothing is definite yet?

I’d tell your family you have already committed to be a part of your fronds bridal party and you love your brother are thrilled for him but you can’t ditch your friend and leave her hanging without her flower girl and second bridesmaid. So you won’t attend your brothers wedding if it is on that specific date.

your parents would really stop seeing their grandchild because you’re not flaking out on a close friend? They sound like arseholes.

toastofthetown · 21/09/2022 16:42

Your brother should have checked you were free. We checked with all key guests before booking the date. Most venues will hold a venue for you for a set period while you check availability. It's a tough situation and I don't know what I'd choose, but your brother was totally in the wrong for not checking the date with you if it's essential you attend his wedding. If he wasn't arsed either way then fair enough.

Original poster
WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:42

My brothers date is booked in with the venue they want to use apparently and they've started looking at other things like cars and brothers asked his best man, but that's it. They've been talking about getting engaged for a few months apparently they just made it official last week.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 21/09/2022 16:42

Friend's wedding takes priority obviously.

Your parents are behaving shamefully. Wtf is wrong with them?

Dillydollydingdong · 21/09/2022 16:43

Family comes first

Octomore · 21/09/2022 16:44

Dillydollydingdong · 21/09/2022 16:43

Family comes first

Not in a scenario like this.

The OP has already committed to her friend, and her DB hasn't even booked the wedding yet!

FacebookPhotos · 21/09/2022 16:44

forlornlorna1 · 21/09/2022 16:39

Family come first for me

But clearly not for the OP's brother! He has picked a date he knew she had a prior commitment and has put her in an incredibly difficult position. I'd normally say go to the brother's wedding, but she can't drop out of being a bridesmaid imo.

LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 16:45

Have you asked him if he can book another a date? What did he say?

HyggeTygge · 21/09/2022 16:45

Dillydollydingdong · 21/09/2022 16:43

Family comes first

Except it literally didn't come first, it was booked second, after the first had been booked.

First comes first.

Original poster
WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:45

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date.

Friend has started booking dress fittings although we've not had one yet.

OP posts:
Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 21/09/2022 16:46

Definitely go to your friends wedding, your family are showing you who they are with their reactions. It also shows you that if anything else comes up your mum disagrees with she might hold childcare as a bargaining tool in future.

Also, I’d change the mindset of choosing one over the other. You aren’t choosing your friend over your brother it’s a difficult situation and you’re honouring prior important plans. If it’s so important to your brother he’d have checked the dates first. If they want to play that ridiculous, game you could be saying he’s choosing his wedding over you by choosing a date he knows you can’t do etc.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/09/2022 16:46

Your brother needs to change his date. He won't have booked the venue or reception yet anyway. Go be a bm and fg, you had already committed yourselves. Accept your family is being unkind to you and pull back a little, dont dance to their tune.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 21/09/2022 16:47

As you are part of your friend's wedding party and you accepted that first, then I really can't see how your family can expect you to drop her to attend your brother's wedding, and not even be part of the wedding party. The fact that your family are blackmailing you into cancelling your friend is toxic.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 21/09/2022 16:47

Dillydollydingdong · 21/09/2022 16:43

Family comes first

It depends what you mean by family. I have friends that have been as supportive as family and that I’m just as close to as family so I count them as family.

Family doesn’t have to mean blood 🙄

CombatBarbie · 21/09/2022 16:48

You accepted your friend first and it was on the shared family calendar. He can change his date of it matters so much.

FitFat · 21/09/2022 16:50

He needs to change the date. Your parents sound very unkind.

LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 16:51

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date

I think you should turn this on them and say that they obviously don’t care if you’re there or not, as they won’t change the date without good reason. Your reason is more valid than hers.

Countingdowntodecember · 21/09/2022 16:52

You’ve already agreed to be a bridesmaid for your friend and your not even in your brother’s wedding party? Of course you should keep your commitment to your friend.

Your family sounds awful and manipulative. I wanted my sister to be my maid of honour so I checked our date worked for her… it’s not your fault that your brother didn’t check you were available.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2022 16:52

Family doesn't come first when they're happy to ignore pre-existing plans and use the care of grandchildren to manipulate people.

I'd refuse on principle if someone threatened me like that. Every decision they don't like is open to this nonsense if you give in.

I'd be horrified if my family did this (wouldn't put it past the in-laws).