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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 21/09/2022 16:52

Would your parents really cut their own noses of to spite their faces by cutting off their own grandchildren? I wouldn't actually want these people in my life .
Go to your friends wedding!!

Ihatethenewlook · 21/09/2022 16:52

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

It’s not a case of ‘family first’ though, is it? Her family are not putting her first. She’s committed to this other wedding. Her and her daughter are important parts of the wedding party. Her friend and daughter would be devastated if she pulled out, she’d be letting them down. She’s not letting her family down by being threatened and manipulated into not cancelling a prior engagement so that they can get their own way. Her brother needs to decide what is most important to him, his sister attending or a different date. I’m sure she doesn’t want to miss his wedding, but this is a shit thing to put on her when she really can’t cancel the plans that have already been made involving her

properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 16:52

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:45

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date.

Friend has started booking dress fittings although we've not had one yet.

What's the date. Is it her birthday?

Mythril · 21/09/2022 16:53

I checked if my family had any major events coming up before booking my wedding because I wanted to make sure they could all there.

Go to your friends wedding. Its very important to you and her and was booked first.

washingbasketqueen · 21/09/2022 16:54

I love my brother but I also love my best friend and I believe in honouring commitments. I'd apologise to my brother and hope he'd understand. If he didn't then tough. They should've sent out save the date cards in advance or checked with immediate family first before booking.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 21/09/2022 16:54

But you have your dresses?

I'm so sorry for you. We checked the date with parents and siblings before we committed because it was important to us that they were there. If my brother or I pulled this shit DM would go apeshit. How would your brother feel if his best man pulls out at the point they've suits chosen because his brother is getting married.

frazzledasarock · 21/09/2022 16:54

Actually your family are expecting you to crush your 8 year olds excitement at being a flower girl as well.

You and your DD don’t figure high in their list of priorities do they?

toastofthetown · 21/09/2022 16:54

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:45

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date.

Friend has started booking dress fittings although we've not had one yet.

Well by having their heart set on that date, they also have their heart set on you not being there. Your brother caused this situation, not you.

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:54

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/09/2022 16:39

That's a very selfish attitude. The friends wedding will be spoiled if OP isn't there. The OP should stick with the prior commitment

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I didn’t realise I had to agree with you.

She asked for everyone’s Opinions, not just for ones like yours.

Onthebeach86 · 21/09/2022 16:54

This happened to me. My sister announced that she was getting married when I had already accepted an invitation to a close friend's wedding - not wedding party. She changed the date to two days later ( luckily a bank holiday monday). I would go to your friend's wedding as he didn't bother to check with you.

Derbee · 21/09/2022 16:54

Definitely go to your friend’s wedding. If your brother really cared about all of his family being there, he’d have checked dates with you all.

It’s not a minor commitment that you have already made. You’re part of the wedding party.

Your parents are ridiculous to get involved. Clearly there’s a dynamic where he’s the Golden Child and you need to work around him? IF they deemed it appropriate to get involved, it should only be for smoothing circumstances and relationships between their children, NOT escalating and threatening you.

They all sound unreasonable. Don’t fight with them though. Just keep repeating “we’d have loved to be at your wedding. It’s such a shame you booked it on the day of Friend’s wedding”

Redbone · 21/09/2022 16:55

Go to your friend’s wedding! Your brother and your parents sound vile and controlling! Really can’t believe that some on here are telling you to go to your brother’s.

Highfivemum · 21/09/2022 16:55

How difficult for you. Personally I would go to my DB. I couldn’t imagine not missing his wedding.
I two have a friend who is like a sister but I know she would tell me I have to go to my DB wedding. I wish you luck in deciding.

HyggeTygge · 21/09/2022 16:57

They are prioritising the date over even a cursory check of who can come.
His actions are showing you they aren't actually that fussed about you coming - either that or assuming you'll just do what you're told and no care about the repercussions to you or your friend.

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:57

Ihatethenewlook · 21/09/2022 16:52

It’s not a case of ‘family first’ though, is it? Her family are not putting her first. She’s committed to this other wedding. Her and her daughter are important parts of the wedding party. Her friend and daughter would be devastated if she pulled out, she’d be letting them down. She’s not letting her family down by being threatened and manipulated into not cancelling a prior engagement so that they can get their own way. Her brother needs to decide what is most important to him, his sister attending or a different date. I’m sure she doesn’t want to miss his wedding, but this is a shit thing to put on her when she really can’t cancel the plans that have already been made involving her

Show quote history

They would only put the OP before then If it was her wedding. It’s not though, it’s just a friends wedding.

Maybe I just like my family more then most on MN.

IcedOatLatte · 21/09/2022 16:58

Crucible · 21/09/2022 16:34

Good Lord go to your friend's wedding. They'll get over it!

It very much sounds like they wont get over it or do you know the OP?

The brother is bing a groomzilla already, I'd stick with the friend

Floomobal · 21/09/2022 16:58

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:57

They would only put the OP before then If it was her wedding. It’s not though, it’s just a friends wedding.

Maybe I just like my family more then most on MN.

Show quote history

@TwinkleChristmas presumably you don’t have family who threaten and blackmail you?

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2022 17:01

Your brother is supposed to check the date with you first. This problem is entirely his fault. He needs to fix it

frazzledasarock · 21/09/2022 17:01

@TwinkleChristmas you’d skip out of your best friends wedding of which you and your child were in the bridal party and friend had sorted out dresses etc already for you to be a guest at your brother wedding which was planned after your friends?

I’d honour my commitment to my best friend personally and I know she would me. I’d be so upset if close friends involved as part of my wedding party decided to ditch my wedding after I’d sorted out dresses etc and planned everything around them being a part of my wedding!

Ineedwinenow · 21/09/2022 17:01

Tell your family that the dresses have been bought and everything is paid for so it’s too late to back out! ( they don’t need to know dress fitting is coming up)

bodie1890 · 21/09/2022 17:02

The first thing he should have done when planning his wedding was to check with all the important people that they can make the date.

If he didn't do that, it's really sad but it's actually his own fault. If you wants you there, he needs to rearrange.

Go to your friend's wedding - it was your original commitment and you/ your daughter are playing an important role in it.

LegoFiends · 21/09/2022 17:02

If distance permits, I’d do the friend’s ceremony and photos then the rest of the day with the brother. Perhaps your brother could choose a time of day that doesn’t clash or makes this easier.

Darbs76 · 21/09/2022 17:03

I’d go with friend, how dare your parents try and bully you like that. Why can’t your brother look to change his given he didn’t check with you if you’re free

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2022 17:03

How awkward. I’d be minded to stick with one you are bridesmaids for as that’s been booked in for ages and is obviously your close friend.
Not engage further - stick to db knew I wasn’t available that day but still picked it I have no idea why.
Are they nearby? Could you do day for first one and evening at his etc.

Bournetilly · 21/09/2022 17:04

YANBU

You should 100% go to your friends wedding because you committed to that first, she is like your sister and you are involved in the wedding party. I think it would be very unreasonable to not go to your friends wedding.

You put it in the family calendar, it wouldn’t of been hard for your brother to check this date first.

Your brother needs to change the date or accept that you won’t be there.