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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

432 replies

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:29

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

OP posts:
bodie1890 · 21/09/2022 17:04

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:57

They would only put the OP before then If it was her wedding. It’s not though, it’s just a friends wedding.

Maybe I just like my family more then most on MN.

Show quote history

I don't understand this 'family first' attitude. Friends can be just as important as family. I love my family a lot, but just because someone shares your genes doesn't mean they get an automatic priority for everything. I have friends who I love just as much as family, and consider them family.

BrokenWing · 21/09/2022 17:04

The timing is unfortunate, but a family wedding would always trump a friends for me. A good friend will completely understand. Your dd wanting to be a FG is irrelevant.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 21/09/2022 17:05

Why does the bride have her heart set on that date? Surely the priority would be to make sure family are available first, you could just have easily paid huge deposits on holidays for that date.

Gerdticker · 21/09/2022 17:05

Your brother should have showed more consideration here, if you are that important to him..

I moved my wedding date so my best friend could come (she lives abroad) - he could have done the same

Inyournewdress · 21/09/2022 17:06

It sounds as though your brother could change the date, so I would email saying that you would love to be at his wedding since he is so important to you, but that you also have this prior commitment which has been on the family calendar for some time…is there any way that just one week after announcing, they could change the date? The reason I would do that is not because it will change anything, you have already said it all I know, but because it creates a paper trail so in the future they can’t rewrite history and say that you didn’t care or didn’t try.

They don’t sound very reasonable, but I must admit I think if I was your friend I would insist you go to your brother’s wedding, I would be upset but I wouldn’t want you put in that position.

Bickles · 21/09/2022 17:06

You have a prior engagement. If they have only just announced the date to family it will be possible to change (as surely they booked it yesterday and so far have only confirmed the venue?)

WildfellAnne · 21/09/2022 17:07

Go to your friend’s wedding, as that is a prior commitment. Although I don’t think your DD wanting to be a flower girl should have any bearing on it.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/09/2022 17:07

Agree with others, he got engaged last week, he can't have anything solid booked yet, i don't think generally he should have to run dates passed guests HOWEVER immediate family that he clearly views as having to go, he should have mentioned possible date/s before booking, he's putting you in a terrible position here

AxolotlEars · 21/09/2022 17:07

Your family! I absolutely would not cancel going to a wedding if someone said they will “never forgive me” or "help me out with childcare again" if I didn’t go, no matter who it was. I would repeat to him that I wanted to come, didn't want to miss it etc. but that that date was not possible. I would also say to him it's absolutely up to him which day he gets married and here's all the dates I can do if you want me there! 🤣

9thlife · 21/09/2022 17:08

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

I consider my closest friends family.
I’d go to my friends.
i would not let them down. They sound much more pleasant too

Clarinet1 · 21/09/2022 17:08

To me the crucial point is that you had the friend’s wedding in the family calendar. Also that friend has started organising dresses. DB should have checked the calendar. If he is already letting his fiancée cow him into the date she wants when you are not available, though, it will interesting to see how the marriage plays out!

Bickles · 21/09/2022 17:08

Also I have a lot of friends who would outweigh family for me! Am an only child but if DH sister did this we wouldn’t go.
My Auntie recently got married and ran the date by us!

Somethingneedstochange · 21/09/2022 17:09

Go to your friends wedding you can't suddenly drop her when you and DD have said you will be there. Your brother should have checked with all close family the date was ok first the date was ok before confirming. If he really wants you to be there he will change the date.

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2022 17:09

You have to go to your friend's wedding. Your brother should have checked the date with his family before going ahead.

YumYummy · 21/09/2022 17:10

Oh no what a dilemma, I think I’d go with the invite I’d accepted first and really try and get your DB to change the date. If he doesn’t change then at least you tried.

Carmakomelian · 21/09/2022 17:10

People can only put you in the wrong if you let them. You need to get angry with him. How dare he choose a date that he knew was important to you. How dare he break his niece's heart. How dare he make all these arrangements without checking with his nearest and dearest. You will never forgive him if he insists on selfishly sticking to a date which will lose you your oldest and dearest friend. He is the one who has fucked up here, don't let your family make you into the bad guy here. Get angry. Be the one making demands and making it clear how terribly he has acted.

Bickles · 21/09/2022 17:10

WeddingsChoice · 21/09/2022 16:45

I asked if he could do another date but apparently his fiance has her heart set on that date.

Friend has started booking dress fittings although we've not had one yet.

Fiancée has her heart set on shit stirring a much as possible IMO!

MintyChops · 21/09/2022 17:10

Stick with your friend, you said yes to her first. Your DB will have to either change his date or accept that you have a prior commitment.

Your parents are very wrong to get involved and threaten you.

SheldonesqueIsUnderwhelmed · 21/09/2022 17:10

I was all ready to say ‘brother’ on the title.

Reading your post though - go with the friend.

Not only is it a prior commitment but with a loved member of your family. They don’t have to be blood for that.

The nippy threats/blackmail seal the deal for me.

Friend’s wedding. All day long.

mushroom3 · 21/09/2022 17:11

I would go to your friend's wedding and then later on go to your brother's reception. Are they close to each other in location and are at the same time?

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/09/2022 17:11

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

I hate this attitude, its been the bedrock on which families have treated other family members like shit for years! It's really toxic

FeedMeSantiago · 21/09/2022 17:12

When I got married DH and I checked our bridal party, parents and siblings could all make the date before we booked our venue.

Your brother should have done that if it was important to him that you be there. You're not just a guest at your friend's wedding - you and your DD are both in the bridal party.

Also, your family's unreasonable response would make me even more inclined to stick with the friend's wedding.

HelloAvocado · 21/09/2022 17:13

Go to both, even if it's a crazy thing to do.

LateAF · 21/09/2022 17:14

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 16:36

I’d go to my brothers over a friend. Family first.

If family first then family should have been important enough for OP’s DB to check her availability first. Family first goes both ways.

I would attend friend’s wedding since if OP’s brother really wanted her there he would have checked for clashes prior to booking or changed the date.

Carmakomelian · 21/09/2022 17:14

It is standard etiquette to check with bridal party and family (anyone who would be really missed) when setting a date - his fault entirely for not doing this. It is not reasonable to get people to cancel holidays or important dates they've already committed to, and he can get married any date.