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AIBU?

Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

633 replies

BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 07:51

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

OP posts:
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meateatingveggie · 21/09/2022 08:23

OP I hope these answers help you realise you are being totally unreasonable and selfish.

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HowVeryBizarre · 21/09/2022 08:23

Interesting. We have just celebrated grandchild’s third birthday, I made the cake. DS said something about next year’s cake, we haven’t told them yet that we have been invited to an overseas wedding next year which means we won’t be around. Much as I love my grandchild I am not missing a friend’s wedding for a four year old’s party.

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Dacadactyl · 21/09/2022 08:23

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/09/2022 08:01

WTF. Why should someone tie themselves down for grandchildren?

That attitude is all well and good, until they got ill and decided to move back round the corner from us. I was a bit 🤔at that.

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OhmygodDont · 21/09/2022 08:24

I don’t get the need to see someone on their exact birthday. Pop in the day before and give a present and card easy.

so no they are not at fault for accepting an invite on his birthday. Not everyone even holds family invited parties for school age children and again often isn’t on the actual day of the birthday.

your getting too worked up over nothing. They have a prior invite accepted it. They can visit their grandchild the day before or after no harm done.

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BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 08:24

hedgehoglurker · 21/09/2022 08:21

OP doesn't seem to have confirmed whether or not it is the child's birthday, or just their party. Are they intending to see the child on their actual birthday? Or at any point close to their birthday?

@hedgehoglurker it's both birthday and party because it's fallen on a Saturday. They haven't confirmed when they'll see dc as they're on holiday until the day before and moving 2 days after. Not much time but hopefully they'll squeeze him in.

OP posts:
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namechange30455 · 21/09/2022 08:24

If it was so important to you that they were there, you should have checked the date with them beforehand surely? Why didn't you?

I wouldn't expect anybody to cancel plans to come to a kids party.

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Scottishgirl85 · 21/09/2022 08:24

Wedding. But then I would have checked grandparent availability before arranging child's party, so it would not have been a clash.
Your in-laws are allowed to move wherever they wish!

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NerrSnerr · 21/09/2022 08:26

That attitude is all well and good, until they got ill and decided to move back round the corner from us. I was a bit 🤔at that.

I hate this whole tit for tat stuff. My parents don't provide care for their grandchildren but they did for my for my whole childhood. I'll support them the best I can when they need it.

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Brefugee · 21/09/2022 08:26

oh i knew it would be the ILs. And all the pps with "well I'd NEVER move away from my GCs" or "it's awful mine moved away" need to accept that grandparents have their own lives and that each family is different.

And as pp said: if i'd invited someone to my wedding, they accepted, and then said "oh sorry, no can do, DILs pfb is having a 6th birthday party" I'd be Very Cross Indeed.

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luxxlisbon · 21/09/2022 08:26

Also I imagine if your own parents had prior plans on the Saturday you would just plan the party for Sunday. But you’re sticking to the Saturday knowing your in-laws are busy and making an issue of it.

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Cinnabomb · 21/09/2022 08:27

Are you the poster @BrocoliTrees that keeps posting about your in laws moving away? And your furious as they therefore won’t provide childcare, I think they were moving to a holiday destination and providing care to elderly parents? There’s been like 4-5 threads on it….

if so give them a break for Christ’s sake!

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Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/09/2022 08:27

BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 08:20

We're having it at home because dc has special needs and it's a better environment for him, not too overwhelming. There won't be too many other children as again, we want to keep it manageable for him. Dc is close to these grandparents.

So they're good grandparents? And yet that's still not enough.

And how amazing that after a life time of work they are now getting to retire to a wonderful location where they can enjoy their time together.

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toomuchlaundry · 21/09/2022 08:28

How often did they see you before? How old are they? Does DH have other siblings?

I’m impressed how organised they are with their move they can go on a holiday and wedding before it

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AuntieMarys · 21/09/2022 08:28

I wouldn’t go to a grandchildren birthday party. And I live 4 hours away too from my adult dc. I didn't live near any of my grandparents...saw them twice a year

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knittingaddict · 21/09/2022 08:29

I love my grandchildren very much and see them very often for days out and child care.

I would prioritise the wedding.

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Novum · 21/09/2022 08:29

It really depends on the child. If it was really important to the child to have grandparents there, then I would prioritise the grandchild over not-very-close friend's wedding. But if the child would be happy with seeing us the day before or after, then I'd do that.

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GoTeamRocket · 21/09/2022 08:30

I am sorry but I think you are being unfair to your PIL. When they were younger, they were parents and I bet they made loads of sacrifices for their children.

Grandparents have the best of both worlds, they can prioritise their own lives, while getting hugs from adoring grandchildren.

Long may this set up last. I fully intend to be the sort of Grandparent that prioritises weddings.

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Dacadactyl · 21/09/2022 08:30

NerrSnerr · 21/09/2022 08:26

That attitude is all well and good, until they got ill and decided to move back round the corner from us. I was a bit 🤔at that.

I hate this whole tit for tat stuff. My parents don't provide care for their grandchildren but they did for my for my whole childhood. I'll support them the best I can when they need it.

Yeah I'm not one for tit for tat either. And I am the dutiful DIL looking after them.

Just makes me laugh cos I know my in laws would feel hurt, upset and feel abandoned if we decided to up sticks now that they need us.

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SmallPrawnEnergy · 21/09/2022 08:30

knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.
But you didn’t check they were free either. It works both ways I’m afraid OP, if their presence is so important you check dates yourself.

However since you’re only replying to people who agree with you it’s clear you’re not interested in seeing their side of things. You’re very annoyed they’re moving and also very annoyed they don’t subscribe to the same level of grand parenting as your parents, and this “snub” has tipped you over the edge. But you need to realise that, despite how you feel about it, grandparents are not obligated to shower your children in time, affection and presents. They’re allowed to move away to enjoy retirement and if that means taking a step back from the family after many hard years slogging thorough parenting then that’s ok, they’re allowed to be happy.

How does their son feel about this, or do you speak for him too?

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purpleme12 · 21/09/2022 08:31

I wouldn't check if you're doing anything for grandchild's birthday no.
The wedding isn't going to happen again so yes I'd go to the wedding.
You can see grandchild on another day it just won't necessarily be on the day of the party/birthday

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Brefugee · 21/09/2022 08:31

Just makes me laugh cos I know my in laws would feel hurt, upset and feel abandoned if we decided to up sticks now that they need us.

yes, but if you came to AIBU with it, I'm pretty sure the majority would say "YANBU for moving away and prioritising your own lives"

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antelopevalley · 21/09/2022 08:33

Wedding.
A wedding only happens once - hopefully. And you can celebrate birthdays on other days. Loads of kids have parties at weekends when it is not their birthday.

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Hollyhead · 21/09/2022 08:33

Wedding, grandparents can see the grandchild anytime. 6 year olds just want friends at a birthday party don’t they?

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Dacadactyl · 21/09/2022 08:34

Tbh I don't care what a load of people on mumsnet think. I'm just saying how I felt at the time. My in laws only think about how things affect them, whereas my husband and I don't.

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ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 21/09/2022 08:34

It's a 6 year old ffs, of course they should go to the wedding. Talk about precious.

Sounds like you expect them to spend the rest of their life on standby waiting for every opportunity to fawn over your kids. Ridiculous

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