AIBU?
Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?
BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 07:51
Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.
Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.
Interested to know opinions.
Fadeout83 · 22/09/2022 23:16
BrocoliTrees · 22/09/2022 21:48
@DadAndLovingIt totally! You're right. The party thing annoyed me but it's a build up of stuff over the past couple of years.
It's my inlaws moving and not telling us until we brought it up. They told everyone else first.
It's their busy calendar crammed with social events, holidays and self care activities. They wanted us to change the date of dc2's first birthday party because they had an important park run that day - we actually did change it!
It's their lack of awareness of how our lives are really tough in comparison to theirs atm, yet they love to show off their holidays, social events, etc on social media and our WhatsApp group. And even worse, in person!
There are a lot of things, not just this birthday.
DadAndLovingIt · 22/09/2022 21:31
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it isn't really about missing the birthday party.
I'm in a similar position with my in laws - they even missed my wife's birthday last year - and what's upsetting isn't that they miss things, it's that they show a complete lack of appreciation that it was important.
If they'd apologise - or even acknowledge it might upset us - it'd be fine, but they don't.
Not a lot of help, but you're not the only one!
Sorry but this is very unreasonable. Why shouldn’t their calendar be packed with things they want to do with their lives after a life of work and raising children? Being a grandparent is a joy but it’s not everyone’s priority and that’s not something you should get annoyed about.
Im from an ethnic background and my grandparents were a constant in my childhood. My husband is Australian and had very much the opposite experience - his grandparents were grandparents on their terms, albeit very loving. Guess what? He loved them endlessly as an adult, respected them and they had a beautiful relationship. It’s about the quality of time spent. Not quantity.
Similarly, my parents are very involved with our kids and totally different to my husbands parents who have different priorities and social lives etc. They still adore our kids but they don’t centre their lives around them like my parents do. And guess what again? Our kids adore both equally.
Dont project your issues and expectations on other people xx
StClare101 · 22/09/2022 23:38
BrocoliTrees · 22/09/2022 21:48
@DadAndLovingIt totally! You're right. The party thing annoyed me but it's a build up of stuff over the past couple of years.
It's my inlaws moving and not telling us until we brought it up. They told everyone else first.
It's their busy calendar crammed with social events, holidays and self care activities. They wanted us to change the date of dc2's first birthday party because they had an important park run that day - we actually did change it!
It's their lack of awareness of how our lives are really tough in comparison to theirs atm, yet they love to show off their holidays, social events, etc on social media and our WhatsApp group. And even worse, in person!
There are a lot of things, not just this birthday.
DadAndLovingIt · 22/09/2022 21:31
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it isn't really about missing the birthday party.
I'm in a similar position with my in laws - they even missed my wife's birthday last year - and what's upsetting isn't that they miss things, it's that they show a complete lack of appreciation that it was important.
If they'd apologise - or even acknowledge it might upset us - it'd be fine, but they don't.
Not a lot of help, but you're not the only one!
Self care activities?? HOW DARE THEY?!
You sound lie an absolute pill.
KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 22/09/2022 23:52
I understand your disappointment in them OP and I say that as a Mother of a DS with SLD and SEN who is almost 18 and his paternal GP's have seen him probably 5 times in his life (they live with half an hours drive)
They literally don't give a shit, whereas my lovely late Mum & Dad who died before DS was born would have adored him and been the complete opposite. It's so unfair.
Having said all that though, in answer to your original question, even if they had a much closer relationship with him, I would expect them to prioritize a wedding over a 6th birthday.
BrocoliTrees · 22/09/2022 23:56
StClare101 · 22/09/2022 23:38
Self care activities?? HOW DARE THEY?!
You sound lie an absolute pill.
BrocoliTrees · 22/09/2022 21:48
@DadAndLovingIt totally! You're right. The party thing annoyed me but it's a build up of stuff over the past couple of years.
It's my inlaws moving and not telling us until we brought it up. They told everyone else first.
It's their busy calendar crammed with social events, holidays and self care activities. They wanted us to change the date of dc2's first birthday party because they had an important park run that day - we actually did change it!
It's their lack of awareness of how our lives are really tough in comparison to theirs atm, yet they love to show off their holidays, social events, etc on social media and our WhatsApp group. And even worse, in person!
There are a lot of things, not just this birthday.
DadAndLovingIt · 22/09/2022 21:31
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it isn't really about missing the birthday party.
I'm in a similar position with my in laws - they even missed my wife's birthday last year - and what's upsetting isn't that they miss things, it's that they show a complete lack of appreciation that it was important.
If they'd apologise - or even acknowledge it might upset us - it'd be fine, but they don't.
Not a lot of help, but you're not the only one!
@StClare101 with the self care activities. I'll give you one example of what I mean. My mum was ill and couldn't look after dc, dh had to work (new job too) and I had a job interview. Asked inlaws if they could help but they had to go to the gym.
DGay · 23/09/2022 00:17
I know that my granddaughter cared when she was little. Even her great-grandparerts were there and they live almost 800 miles away. They came for everyone except during covid. 16th coming next year and she is already making sure her great-grandparents are coming, too. They are.
CJsGoldfish · 23/09/2022 02:04
No way would I expect my parents to give up going to a wedding for a kids party, which are generally awful anyway though I'm sure every parent who has one for their kid will disagree, so please, please no need to post indignant pro party posts. 😂
I learnt today that whatsapp groups for party attendees are a 'thing' these days. I'd never inflict that kind of day on my parents. Not a chance. They'd get an invite with a 'you don't have to be there if you have plans'.
My parents are fabulous grandparents btw and would do anything and give up anything for their grandchildren but I'm not selfish enough to expect or let them.
A later post confirmed that you are just upset that their life is easier than yours. Thankfully you have your own parents who are willing to bend over backwards to easy your burden 🤷♀️
nouvellem · 23/09/2022 05:01
Oh ok I get it. Could they not have gone to the gym a bit later? Maybe they think it’s a tough love situation. They maybe didn’t have help from their parents. Or maybe they don’t enjoy children much, which is unfortunate but not unreasonable, they don’t have any responsibility to do so. But that sucks for you. I’m in another country now and my own mother would have been so involved, had she not passed away. In laws love my son too but they’re not any help to us in any way.
enjoy the close relationship with your own mum. People offer different things, enjoy what you can with the in laws, they might be great for advice if not physical / emotional support.
AutumnLeafInTheSpring · 23/09/2022 06:04
So I saw your post and am new to mumsnet (well, replying anyway, lol). I'm also in the US, lol, so I may be totally out of line here...but...
You said that they told you about their move only after you brought it up, that they had told everyone else first. I also saw you mention that DH has mental health issues. So, I'm wondering if they were afraid to tell you guys. I suffer from mental health issues and my family have a hard time telling me stuff because they don't truly understand. It's entirely possible that because, as you said they don't know how to be supportive, that they also don't know how to discuss difficult topics with you and DH out of fear of causing significant distress..
So that may be a huge reason for their current behaviors. They don't know how to tell you guys that they want to start living their dreams without it getting taken as "they don't want to spend time with or be around us".
MumkinPatch · 23/09/2022 08:01
It’s easy for me - birthday party wins and the reason for this is their move in a couple of days. Effectively they won’t be seeing your children often I assume as 5 hours away is not a ‘Put the kettle on. I’m coming round’ situation. Nothing is more important than family. I’ve been so blessed to have the most amazing in-laws when it comes to family - nothing is more important- we share the same values.
My dad died 6 months after I had my daughter and my mum died 18 months afterwards. My son has never known my parents as he came along when my daughter was 4. My parents lived in Scotland and I moved to England when I was 18 for Uni - I know my parents would have made every effort to see my children for all of the milestones - based upon the effort they made when they were alive.
Had it not been for my in-laws I’m not sure how I would have coped.
I think you need to come to terms with your in-laws having different values to you. I can’t believe they went to the gym rather than help you out for a job interview - that’s so far away from my set of values. I know you will be, but remain grateful
for your own parents, they sound lovely.
Good luck with the party, and happy
birthday to your son when the day comes xx
Zonder · 23/09/2022 08:07
They haven't helped as you or I would have hoped grandparents would want to. The wedding is a different issue. I would tell them to go to the wedding and ask which of the remaining days they want to celebrate the birthday with you all. Then your ds gets an extra celebration and all good.
With regard to the rest you have to draw a line under it and accept that they're not the kind of grandparents you would hope for but they are what they are.
If you don't just accept it for what it is it will continue to eat at you.
Hopefully they understand that this cuts both ways and you won't be running about after them in the future when they need it.
Fadeout83 · 23/09/2022 08:29
BrocoliTrees · 22/09/2022 23:56
@StClare101 with the self care activities. I'll give you one example of what I mean. My mum was ill and couldn't look after dc, dh had to work (new job too) and I had a job interview. Asked inlaws if they could help but they had to go to the gym.
StClare101 · 22/09/2022 23:38
Self care activities?? HOW DARE THEY?!
You sound lie an absolute pill.
BrocoliTrees · 22/09/2022 21:48
@DadAndLovingIt totally! You're right. The party thing annoyed me but it's a build up of stuff over the past couple of years.
It's my inlaws moving and not telling us until we brought it up. They told everyone else first.
It's their busy calendar crammed with social events, holidays and self care activities. They wanted us to change the date of dc2's first birthday party because they had an important park run that day - we actually did change it!
It's their lack of awareness of how our lives are really tough in comparison to theirs atm, yet they love to show off their holidays, social events, etc on social media and our WhatsApp group. And even worse, in person!
There are a lot of things, not just this birthday.
DadAndLovingIt · 22/09/2022 21:31
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it isn't really about missing the birthday party.
I'm in a similar position with my in laws - they even missed my wife's birthday last year - and what's upsetting isn't that they miss things, it's that they show a complete lack of appreciation that it was important.
If they'd apologise - or even acknowledge it might upset us - it'd be fine, but they don't.
Not a lot of help, but you're not the only one!
Sorry but this is where you arrange a babysitter. None of the stuff was sprung on you and presumably you had time to organise care.
honestly the more you post, the more entitled you come across. Sorry.
WindyKnickers · 23/09/2022 08:32
You can't spend your days wishing that your in laws were different people. Just because your parents behave in a certain way it doesn't mean a different set of grandparents should do the same. I would find grandparents asking to come to a 6 year olds party fairly tiresome because they would mostly just get in the way. I would also find a needy DIL, telling me I'm not being the version of a grandparent that she would prefer, very tiresome. Just let them live their lives. You chose to have children, you need to look after them.
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