Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

[BrocoliTrees]

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

[Mamai90]

I think I'd tell my parents to catch themselves on if they were considering missing a wedding to attend my child's 6th birthday party. The child would be much more interested in their friends at a party.

Having said that my parents live 5 mins from me and we see them 3 or 4 times a week so they'd get to easily celebrate another day anyway.

[theworldhas]

Depends how much you like/value the friend really. If it’s just a “meh” friendship than I’d go to the grandchild’s birthday, as that bond is 100x more meaningful, and you won’t be seeing each other regularly in future.

[decayingmatter]

My parents have always been very close to my DC but I would never, ever expect them to miss a friend's wedding for a kids party. If I really wanted them there, I would change the day of the party

[BrocoliTrees]

@IWishIHadNotDoneIt

Because they are my GC. I want to watch them grow up and be part of their lives. I had a great relationship with my DGM and I want that with my DGC.

@IWishIHadNotDoneIt this is my feeling too. I had close relationships with grandparents on both sides. Both sides lived locally. As a child, I have great memories of dinners and lunches round at theirs, family birthdays, holidays, them coming along on days out. Or just going round after school. We were always welcome. As an adult, things changed as my GPS grew older and more frail but living nearby meant that I could support my parents care for them, popping in after work once or twice a week or getting something they needed. My nan went into a care home and survived on our weekly visits in those last years.

It's not about living in each other's pockets. I do think it's about how you've been brought up yourself, your own experiences, how you value family and whether you actually ENJOY the involvement. Some people do, some don't. Seems that lots of people on mumsnet don't see grandchildren as any sort of priority in their lives. I guess nobody asks to be a gp but it's quite sad reading lots of these comments. Some people on here sound so hard.

I need to accept that my inlaws don't feel the same about family as I do. I can't change that.

[BrocoliTrees]

@theworldhas

Depends how much you like/value the friend really. If it’s just a “meh” friendship than I’d go to the grandchild’s birthday, as that bond is 100x more meaningful, and you won’t be seeing each other regularly in future.

This!! The reason for my op.

[DadAndLovingIt]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it isn't really about missing the birthday party.

I'm in a similar position with my in laws - they even missed my wife's birthday last year - and what's upsetting isn't that they miss things, it's that they show a complete lack of appreciation that it was important.
If they'd apologise - or even acknowledge it might upset us - it'd be fine, but they don't.

Not a lot of help, but you're not the only one!

[dunBle]

Unless it was a landmark birthday, wedding every time. Grandparents can phone to wish a happy birthday in the morning, and arrange to come over a day or so before or after to drop the present off and make a fuss in person.

[5128gap]

Your update about your DHs MH is very telling. Their new distance isn't about their GC. This is about them not knowing how to deal with their DS being ill and finding it more comfortable to not be around him. They may also feel they will be obliged to provide more support than they want to because he is ill, and so are turning a blind eye.

[Flippingnora100]

You're right. This is about acceptance. I had brilliant grandparents and I wanted that for my kids too. Sadly, none of my kids' grandparents (who are still alive), prioritise the role as highly as my own DGs did. It's just the way it is. Their loss, I say!

[BrocoliTrees]

@DadAndLovingIt

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it isn't really about missing the birthday party.

I'm in a similar position with my in laws - they even missed my wife's birthday last year - and what's upsetting isn't that they miss things, it's that they show a complete lack of appreciation that it was important.
If they'd apologise - or even acknowledge it might upset us - it'd be fine, but they don't.

Not a lot of help, but you're not the only one!

@DadAndLovingIt totally! You're right. The party thing annoyed me but it's a build up of stuff over the past couple of years.
It's my inlaws moving and not telling us until we brought it up. They told everyone else first.

It's their busy calendar crammed with social events, holidays and self care activities. They wanted us to change the date of dc2's first birthday party because they had an important park run that day - we actually did change it!

It's their lack of awareness of how our lives are really tough in comparison to theirs atm, yet they love to show off their holidays, social events, etc on social media and our WhatsApp group. And even worse, in person!

There are a lot of things, not just this birthday.

[inspiration101]

Prioritise wedding

[Isaidnomorecrisps]

This is the first time I’ve read all of the posts and thought - I don’t understand. The GC birthday of course. Both sides for my kids would always do it, we would do it. Why wouldn’t you? Each of these build up into a web (not sure of word) of love for the children. Especially if one set is moving away.
You can’t change the relationship they clearly have but I’m with you - however slightly dull it all is just show up and be part of it. Other life can always happen too.

[BrocoliTrees]

@5128gap

Your update about your DHs MH is very telling. Their new distance isn't about their GC. This is about them not knowing how to deal with their DS being ill and finding it more comfortable to not be around him. They may also feel they will be obliged to provide more support than they want to because he is ill, and so are turning a blind eye.

@5128gap yes, that's exactly what dh and I think it is. Through no particular fault of their own, they've never been able to support dh. His problems aren't new, they've been their since he was a child.

[Reebokclassics]

Not sure what my dad would make of an invitation to my daughters 6th birthday pamper party and it wouldnt even cross my mind to invite him! He will see her around the birthday, thats all that matters 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Willowsodyssey]

YABU- entitled and petulant. Anything grandparents do is a bonus surely. Spent the best years of their lives raising a family and now want some time to themselves-how dare they! Don’t go looking for firewood to make a fire.

[NumberTheory]

Do you have a lot of unspoken expectations that they don’t live up to?

I wouldn’t automatically anticipate being asked to GCs birthday party on the day and if I were your in-laws it would definitely strain our relationship if you were often surprised that I had other plans when you organized something you hadn’t bothered to check on my availability for. Probably not enough to want to move away to the countryside, but that’s mainly because I’m much more of an urbanite.

People have different expectations. The way my DH’s family does things is to have a kids party on the weekend closest and then find a mutually convenient time for extended family to get together. My family would invite family to the party, but it wouldn’t be a big family event, more of a kids party with adult family members helping out the hosts. But I would still need to communicate with them to remind them of the date, they wouldn’t simply be holding it free in their diaries in case.

Just like your way of doing things, both of these approaches are fairly standard but not universal. And none of them mean the GP love the GC more or less than any other way.

If you want your in laws to be involved in something you need to stop simply expecting them to know what is going to be happening and acquiesce without a say in arrangements and instead communicate with them, well in advance.

[Notonthestairs]

If they are in their 50's do they have caring responsibilities for their own parents?

I'm in my 50's as are most of my friends. Our parents require a lot more support than they did a few years ago.

We also manage to have a social life and commitments - and teenagers!

I do get the impression that anything less than replicating how your parents do things will be considered poorly. My inlaws and my parents do things very differently (Christmas, gifts, food, holidays). I take them as they are.

[Kite22]

@NumberTheory

Do you have a lot of unspoken expectations that they don’t live up to?

I wouldn’t automatically anticipate being asked to GCs birthday party on the day and if I were your in-laws it would definitely strain our relationship if you were often surprised that I had other plans when you organized something you hadn’t bothered to check on my availability for. Probably not enough to want to move away to the countryside, but that’s mainly because I’m much more of an urbanite.

People have different expectations. The way my DH’s family does things is to have a kids party on the weekend closest and then find a mutually convenient time for extended family to get together. My family would invite family to the party, but it wouldn’t be a big family event, more of a kids party with adult family members helping out the hosts. But I would still need to communicate with them to remind them of the date, they wouldn’t simply be holding it free in their diaries in case.

Just like your way of doing things, both of these approaches are fairly standard but not universal. And none of them mean the GP love the GC more or less than any other way.

If you want your in laws to be involved in something you need to stop simply expecting them to know what is going to be happening and acquiesce without a say in arrangements and instead communicate with them, well in advance.

This.
We use(d) birthdays as a hook to arrange family meet ups around. We arrange a mutually convenient date for all the important people we want there. Quite unusual for it to be on the actual birthday. My dc rather like the fact they have birthdays spread out over 2 or 3 weeks sometimes.

I had close relationships with grandparents on both sides. Both sides lived locally. As a child, I have great memories of dinners and lunches round at theirs, family birthdays, holidays, them coming along on days out. Or just going round after school. We were always welcome

and I had close and loving relationships with grandparents on both sides too. Both were about 4 hours or travel away, in different directions, so no, we didn't see them that often, but when we did we went and stayed there for a few days. I have really really fond memories of those times, and I am having to remember back a few more decades that you are. You do realise there are different ways to have a great and loving relationship with Grandparents / Grandchildren, don't you ?

[T1Dmama]

Is it possible to attend the wedding and then go to the grandchild’s birthday? A birthday doesn’t need to be all day!
If my mum was invited to a wedding on my daughters birthday I’d simply do her party on the day after and have a more personal birthday on her actual birthday.
my mum had a funeral on my daughters birthday a few years ago…. So we went to town, spent some birthday money, went to cinema and then my parents met us late afternoon/early evening for a meal.
Mira only one birthday and the 6 year old would probably rather be with friends and celebrate another birthday and more presents the day after anyway x

[Luredbyapomegranate]

The wedding.

A 6 year old’s birthday party is for their friends, you can do something else with them later

[BadNomad]

Did your DH have a birthday party every year growing up? It's not something that happened in my life. Only big birthdays were celebrated with a party. The rest of the time it was just a card, cake and a present. If that's the approach his family have towards birthdays, then it's understandable they might not see a 6th birthday as being as important as a wedding.

[Mfsf]

I know you are disappointed but the reality is they deserve their own life . They had their children , I’m sure they love their grandchildren but they don’t feel the need to see them all the time and that’s ok . Retired people these days still have lots of energy and they choose to keep busy . Try not to be resentful

[pollymere]

I only remember my grandparents on my Mum's side being at a couple of my birthdays, my Dad's not at all. I think mine had a couple but that's it. Sixth Birthday will be a party with school friends surely so you don't need to be there.

[eastegg]

@BrocoliTrees

@venus7 maybe that is what they're doing, getting away from us. Fair enough. As pp have said, they have the freedom to do what they want. Their interest in the grandchildren has changed in the past few years. They were so enthusiastic to start with. Maybe that's what's confused us.

But it does work both ways. They will also have to accept that we will have priorities too and won't always be able to go and see them when they move when they want us to. Already, there's been quite a bit of pressure on us to visit and stay with them and we can't always make those commitments. Dc with special needs and a baby. Both work and have health problems ourselves. It's not easy.

I do see it from their point of view, they want their own lives and yes, maybe more acceptance of that is needed. We can't change their interest in family. It's just different to what I've known in my family.

Is it true, OP, what PPs have said, that they have caring responsibilities towards an elderly relative? Highly relevant I think, and you’re saying nothing about it. Making it sound as if they’re free as a bird.

[DadAndLovingIt]

@BrocoliTrees they sound exactly like my in laws. Extremely selfish, expecting you to always dance to their tune, but never bending to suit you.

Do they also tell you (and everyone else) how much they help you (despite not really helping), try to take credit for everything good or make things with you and your DH into a competition?

What really helped us is setting firm boundaries, not with them, but with ourselves. We agreed that we'll never change our plans for them - even if it's by half an hour; we'll never rely on them for anything important; and we'll never have anything to do with them and money.

My DW found it really empowering (finally) standing up to them and we're generally much happier, but fortunately my DW saw the same problems so we could act together. I hope you and your DH are on the same page!

We realised we'd been prioritising them but they hadn't been prioritising us, so breaking that imbalance has made things much better.

I also found it comforting looking up narcissistic parents. It could be a bit painful, but helped me to know it was a well known problem.