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AIBU?

Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

633 replies

BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 07:51

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

OP posts:

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BeanCounterBabe · 22/09/2022 20:01

My DC spend two weeks a year without us with the GPs who live 200 miles. The only party they attended my DD1’s first I think. Party attendance or not a total non issue in the love the GPs and DCs have for each other. My parents live in the next street and rarely attend. We do a separate family birthday tea on a different day.

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Lavenderflower · 22/09/2022 20:02

I find this question really odd. Grandparents are not expected to attend every birthday especially if it not a milestone. They can always do something on a different day.

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Blueink · 22/09/2022 20:05

The wedding is more of an event for adults than a 6 year old’s birthday.
The move is a separate issue and 5 hours is hardly the other side of the world.
Most likely they are moving to the countryside as it suits them at their time of life. You are taking it all too personally, thinking it has anything to do with you and to keep comparing them to your own DPs isn’t very fair. Your parents are unusually involved, as you can see from the thread, that is their choice but perhaps they have more time and less full social lives.
Do things on your own terms too, you are not obliged to visit as a family if it is too difficult with baby, DS, health issues.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 22/09/2022 20:06

lifeofbea · 22/09/2022 18:16

I asked my parents what they would do, they both agreed they’d prioritise their grandchild. My parents are very involved and a big part of my kids lives, they will always put the kids before others. Especially over someone who isn’t even a close friend

@lifeofbea

i hope you reassured them that they should still go the wedding should they find themselves in a similar situation in the future?!

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AlbertaAnnie · 22/09/2022 20:07

Definitely the wedding, but pick a special outing with the grandchild to celebrate on another day!

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ellyeth · 22/09/2022 20:07

If it's customary for you to be at your grandchild's birthday celebration, I would prioritise that, especially as you are moving away and the wedding is that of someone who is not very close to you.

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Kite22 · 22/09/2022 20:09

I know on the first half of the thread, you have cherry picked posts from the tiny minority of posters who have given the answers you want to hear, but I hope you will reflect on the fact that there are now 22 pages of posts and the overwhelming majority have told you "wedding" .
Perhaps this thread will give you some perspective.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 22/09/2022 20:11

RenoSusan · 22/09/2022 19:41

Go to the birthday party and make it memorable. Wear something outlandish. Make a hat of artificial flowers with hanging blooms and large bows. Bring a present that is unique that you have assembled yourself-a treasure chest. Make them a cape of brilliant satin with a different color on each side and wide enough to wrap around them. Take many pictures. Make it memorable.

@RenoSusan

🤣
u been on the wines??

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AwayAtHome · 22/09/2022 20:14

Grandchild over wedding of a friend that's not close.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 22/09/2022 20:14

oosha · 22/09/2022 19:26

I would put family first every time. I would prioritise my grandchild. They aren’t even close friends 🤷🏼‍♀️, why would you put their wedding before your grandchild. And what has moving away got to do with it?

@oosha

ummm cos wedding is once in a lifetime but kids have a birthday every year. Six isn’t even a milestone birthday . And as a few other pp’s have said., the op may not be best judge of who is and isn’t close friends to her in laws

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Applesonthelawn · 22/09/2022 20:19

Wedding.

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AllyCatTown · 22/09/2022 20:20

Sure you have a birthday every year but children’s birthdays are special and they grow up so quickly. That said I was close to my grandparents and don’t remember them much at birthdays. If it was a party they were likely not there but would drop by for a quick visit on my birthday or another day. So I think it’s fine to go to a wedding.

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Missingpop · 22/09/2022 20:21

My grandchildren will come first every time.
if the friends aren’t that close does it matter? And if your moving away from the grandchildren the following week; it would be nice to make their party special by being there as you might not make next years if your further away .

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ShandaLear · 22/09/2022 20:25

You’d go to the wedding, obviously. A 6 year old doesn’t care if their grandparents are there. They’d rather have their friends at the party.

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jelly79 · 22/09/2022 20:26

My parents are incredible grandparents' school runs, babysitting, lots of time with DGC But they would likely go to the wedding and do something separate

It's not a big deal

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Heyyebskeikwbevg · 22/09/2022 20:27

Obviously the wedding, is this a reverse? Can’t believe anyone would expect a GP to prioritise a 6 year old birthday party

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ShandaLear · 22/09/2022 20:28

Also, a kids party is no fun for a grandparent unless there’s wine and a nice restaurant after. What grandparent wants to listen to 2 hours of 6 year olds screeching round the house and making small talk with their parents. That’s hell on toast.

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Gagaandgag · 22/09/2022 20:28

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/09/2022 09:02

5 yours really iant that far.

They've done their parenting. They've done their working years. They're retired and to be frank, dotnt exactly have decades left on this earth. It's their time now with no work constraints or parenting responsibilities. If they want to move to the countryside then you should be supporting that. Instead, you sound bitter because they're not contributing to put their lives on hold for your children.

5 hours is nothing. They'll visit. You'll visit. Your kids might actually love having grandparents in the countryside. But I'm guessing you'll do all you can to freeze them out whilst going on about how perfect your parents are.

And a wedding or a kids birthday party? The wedding, of course. They'll do a grandparent thing with the kids. If they're moving the week after, then surely you'll all be going up to visit anyway? If my parents made a big move for their retirement then I'm sure I'd be over to visit the following weekend to see their lovely new home and new life and join in with them for a couple days.

You just sound a bit nasty to be honest. Just not very nice because they arent making you the centre of the world.

They might not be the best grandparents. They might want to have their life and just see the kids occasionally but that's life. They've done their parenting and just want to enjoy being drop in/drop out grandparents with nothing holding them down. It isnt perfect for you but it also isnt wrong.

You need to stop speaking about them the way you do, and dont bitch about them to your parents. It just makes you the nasty person in the scenario.

I doubt you'll care pay attention to any posts like mine though as you're only replying to the minority who agree with you. Sums you up I think.

I found your comment OTT and cruel. You don’t even know the OP stop being so unkind

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Chatterbuginabox · 22/09/2022 20:29

i understand how you can feel hurt by them choosing the wedding, however that is their choice and parties for young children are usually not fun for adults in my experience (when compared to a wedding).

You mentioned in a post that they only come over in bad weather. have GPs reached a milestone where they are trying to make the most of their health whilst they can? My parents went through this phase but were always here/there everywhere except with us! My kids were young (babies even) then, and we would have kept them back from all the exploring/adventures. I thought it a shame at the time but now they have lost their mobility/health so are home always. I pop round and despite the distance in the early years, the kids are still very bonded with them. I reflect back on that time and i’m so glad they enjoyed themselves because they are so frail now, those trips really were their last chance to do what wanted to do, before kicking the bucket x

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dcthatsme · 22/09/2022 20:29

I'll guess there'll be other children there and the excitement level will be high. Grandchild will probably be so excited and overwhelmed - I don't think the presence of the grandparent would make a difference to them. It'd be nice to do something nice before or after the party eg take the grandchild out somewhere special.

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Dave20 · 22/09/2022 20:29

Do 6 year olds have important birthdays? Aren’t they the same as being 5, 7, 8 etc?
Id see the grandchild in the morning and give them their present then.

Is it particularly important for any reason ?

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5128gap · 22/09/2022 20:37

My DD would arrange for me to celebrate with DGC around the wedding, either on another day or before or after it, as she wouldn't want me to miss out on the wedding. She would know that in the midst of all the excitement DGC wouldn't miss me, especially as I see him every day.

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BirdinaHedge · 22/09/2022 20:37

They can be lovely inlaws and devoted grandparents but it's totally on their terms. When they see us, it's when THEY want to.

But you want the relationship to be on YOUR terms. You want your in-laws to do what your parents do - what you "expect" a family to do.

Why are your terms more important than theirs?

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nouvellem · 22/09/2022 20:39

they sound like they have full lives, which honestly is healthy. It sets your child a good example too- that you should prioritise you in life. If she sees everyone around her dropping everything else for her, she won’t learn to put herself first. She’ll learn that other people come first.

retirement was probably planned for decades, maybe they’ve held off until your child is old enough to start school. When your child starts making her own friends, and doesn’t want to hang out with her grandparents anymore- you’ll want the grandparents to be busy and enjoying their own life, not to be dependent on you and your child for interaction. I’m in this situation now with my in laws and god I wish they had some friends!

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nouvellem · 22/09/2022 20:42

nouvellem · 22/09/2022 20:39

they sound like they have full lives, which honestly is healthy. It sets your child a good example too- that you should prioritise you in life. If she sees everyone around her dropping everything else for her, she won’t learn to put herself first. She’ll learn that other people come first.

retirement was probably planned for decades, maybe they’ve held off until your child is old enough to start school. When your child starts making her own friends, and doesn’t want to hang out with her grandparents anymore- you’ll want the grandparents to be busy and enjoying their own life, not to be dependent on you and your child for interaction. I’m in this situation now with my in laws and god I wish they had some friends!

Kids don’t learn from what you do for them, they learn from what you do.

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