"Men are only as faithful as their options"

30hourschildcare · 20/09/2022 13:37

I completely agree with you.

Dotjones · 20/09/2022 13:40

YABU. It's more true that everyone changes over time and that the person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship almost certainly isn't the same person in front of you now.

Men, and women, cheat for one reason alone - they're not satisfied with their relationship. It's not necessarily the fault of the partner that gets cheated on, mind. It's just that the way the relationship has developed is not in line with the cheating partner's expectations.

My partner is a reasonably attractive man and earns a large salary, the older I get the more concerned I become about being 'swapped' for a younger woman, because he would definitely have the option.

The fact you get concerned for no other reason than he would be able to if he wanted is exactly the sort of reason that might lead to him leaving. Effectively, you are saying you don't trust him. Unless he's the sort of person who doesn't care that the person closest to them doesn't trust them, you're doing the exact thing that might push him away.

Sometimes, it's a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Believe you're not good enough for your partner, eventually you might convince him to think the same.

IncompleteSenten · 20/09/2022 13:41

I think the only person you can trust is yourself and even then not 100%

We are, as a species, hedonistic at heart, selfish and short sighted and what stops people more than anything is fear of the consequences for them of getting caught doing something they shouldn't. Be it cheating, stealing or, well, anything.

We pretend it's morals and decency but offer someone 100% risk free sex/bank robbery/insert desire of choice and people are fooling themselves if they think they'd say no without hesitation.

Or maybe I just have a very low opinion of the human race. 🤷

StarDolphins · 20/09/2022 13:42

I agree 100% with this.

Nowheretoogo · 20/09/2022 13:43

I agree op

IrmaGord · 20/09/2022 13:44

You'll get some women coming on saying they know for a fact their husband/partner would never do that, but I agree with you. Men have a different mindset to women (not all men obviously, but I'd say the majority). I'm 'happily' married, but I've seen and heard too much about other relationships to be able to say that DH would never cheat.

It's sad, but I'm also glad I'm not blind to the reality of things.

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 20/09/2022 13:45

If someone cheats and you find out then you've been done a favour as you've discovered their true nature and can spare yourself from the agony of sharing a bed, a body, finances and a life with someone who's so morally bankrupt they're capable of such a thing. It's not the cheating itself, it's the lying and betrayal. Anyone who can look their partner in the eye and tell them they love them or have sex with them after cheating is just absolute scum. I mean I can see how it happens but I genuinely don't know how they can live with themselves. Must be missing an empathy chip or something!

So I don't worry about it. I love DH and vice versa and hope for a long happy life together. But if he ever cheats then that's him that's fucked up and I'll be free of a person I didn't really know after all. Don't stress about it. Know your worth. People discover infidelity every single day all across the world and somehow cope and move on. You just would.

ColouredGlass · 20/09/2022 13:45

I'm similar to you OP. My DH earns more and has aged better than me. The kids might keep us together but I want more than that. We are mid 40s and I'm always surprised that my options (were we to separate) are probably men 50-55 (maybe even older), and his options are women aged 30 plus... Seems strange in modern society. I have just decided to enjoy what I have for the moment. I do trust him but I also know things can change and relationships are not assured.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 20/09/2022 13:47

I would suggest that this statement - 'I think this shows that it doesn't matter how beautiful, slim or sexy you are, some men really are only as faithful as their options.' is actually the crux of it. If a man chooses to be in a relationship with you because of how you look the chances are he'll move on when he fancies someone else more. Familiarity breeds contempt.

MRSE20 · 20/09/2022 13:48

You can never be sure that someone you are in a relationship isn’t going to hurt you. You also never know 100% that you’ll be the one who ends up hurting your partner either!

It is true that we are constantly changing - day to day. In 10 years or even next month who knows what you will feel or what your partner will feel.

Right now I cannot imagine me or DH cheating on each other, I trust him 100% and he trusts me. But really I guess you never know what the future holds and I think some people just do change and cheat even if a year ago they would never in a billion years of wanted too.

All I would say is unless there’s a reason to distrust then I would always trust and put my heart at risk for my DH

Bunnyfuller · 20/09/2022 13:49

I totally agree with you op. It’s very sad, but they just seem hard wired to wander if the opportunity presents itself. Normally the thing lacking from the relationship is a lack of decent effort from the cheater in the first place. Expect on tap sex whilst letting the woman do 95% of everything to do with the home, admin and kids, then complain and go outside the marriage when his wife is too fucking knackered and mentally frazzled for anything more energetic than brushing her teeth and going to sleep.

HairyClairey · 20/09/2022 13:51

IncompleteSenten · 20/09/2022 13:41

I think the only person you can trust is yourself and even then not 100%

We are, as a species, hedonistic at heart, selfish and short sighted and what stops people more than anything is fear of the consequences for them of getting caught doing something they shouldn't. Be it cheating, stealing or, well, anything.

We pretend it's morals and decency but offer someone 100% risk free sex/bank robbery/insert desire of choice and people are fooling themselves if they think they'd say no without hesitation.

Or maybe I just have a very low opinion of the human race. 🤷

I agree with this. The bottom line is we are naturally selfish.

Summerhillsquare · 20/09/2022 13:53

The think is men seem to think they will get a better option, whereas women have either been socialised to be romantic ('its forever ') or else are realistic about what their options are. Hence single women being happier and living longest!

Original poster

Grandeur · 20/09/2022 13:53

IrmaGord · 20/09/2022 13:44

You'll get some women coming on saying they know for a fact their husband/partner would never do that, but I agree with you. Men have a different mindset to women (not all men obviously, but I'd say the majority). I'm 'happily' married, but I've seen and heard too much about other relationships to be able to say that DH would never cheat.

It's sad, but I'm also glad I'm not blind to the reality of things.

I know what you mean. I also wonder if some men have a different mindset than women when it comes to cheating/affairs. Maybe it's socialization or maybe their brains are just wired differently.

OP posts:

PugInTheHouse · 20/09/2022 13:54

I 100% agree OP.

IrmaGord · 20/09/2022 13:55

Bunnyfuller · 20/09/2022 13:49

I totally agree with you op. It’s very sad, but they just seem hard wired to wander if the opportunity presents itself. Normally the thing lacking from the relationship is a lack of decent effort from the cheater in the first place. Expect on tap sex whilst letting the woman do 95% of everything to do with the home, admin and kids, then complain and go outside the marriage when his wife is too fucking knackered and mentally frazzled for anything more energetic than brushing her teeth and going to sleep.

Absolutely this as well. My mates cheating husband told her 'you've changed' after she got PND after the birth of their child and she was left at home struggling with a baby, while he continued to live his life as he always had. It's no fucking wonder she changed.

JamSandle · 20/09/2022 13:55

I think everyone is as faithful as their options and it's best to always keep some independence (especially financially) should circumstances change.

Miajk · 20/09/2022 13:55

This only applies for men who are with their partners because of their looks/sex mostly.

This is also why I have a theory (that seems correct) that beautiful women are cheated on more than average/not attractive women.

Beautiful women by default attract men who value women for looks.

middleofthelittle · 20/09/2022 13:56

I agree with you, it's another stick that women are beaten with. Men are perceived as better looking when the older, and they seem to have more options for affairs as younger women are willing to tolerate them being slightly ugly if they have a fat wallet.

I don't trust anyone 100% and I think it's naive too.

But view is, if my DH is going to have an affair I can't stop him.
I'm not going to change who I am to try and "prevent" that from happening. Either he is happy with me, us and our family and we continue happy. Or he has an affair and loses us. It's slightly liberating feeling as I know I can't control what he does, but I understand for some people, myself included in the past, the lack of control creates anxiety.

It's a difficult one to balance as the cards are not dealt equally between men and women in these situations.

JamSandle · 20/09/2022 13:58

I also think, having been cheated on myself (which used to be my biggest fear) you can choose to trust how you'll deal with it should it happen - your boundaries, values, decisions and ability to leave if you want to.

You can never trust anyone else 100% so it's important to look after yourself emotionally and perhaps most importantly, practically.

I think more girls should be taught this.

MangyInseam · 20/09/2022 13:58

I think that while it's more common for men to behave this way in a marriage, it's basically reflects the way a lot of people behave overall - if they can get away with benefiting from something unfair, they will if they don't think it's totally morally egregious, like eating babies. I have a female relative for example who steals extra bags of ice from the shop.

Men tend to have more interest in multiple sexual partners and also seem more able to separate love from sex. So extra-marital sex may not seem like a really important betrayal.

It's not possible to know for sure what someone might do. I do think one thing sis, how much weight does he put, in general terms, on things like keeping promises, loyalty, telling the truth? Someone who will be more lax about these in other areas is also less likely to value them in a marriage.

DillDanding · 20/09/2022 14:00

I think this shows that it doesn't matter how beautiful, slim or sexy you are…

But you might be all those things and as dull as ditch water. Or neurotic. Or frigid. You might be ‘utterly devoted’ but there is no spark, mutual interests, stimulating conversation. Or myriad other things.

Or your husband might be a serial shagger.

It’s not always the latter.

angeIica · 20/09/2022 14:01

I agree OP.

YukoandHiro · 20/09/2022 14:02

Totally agree. My husband is 12 years older than me. Brutally, when we first got tougher he was dating someone his own age (not married, no kids) - but then he met me and they broke up. We got together three months later. I think the fact that I was an "option" was probably in his mind.
I don't really worry about it as there's nothing it you can do about it. I know he loves me and the kids. I'll just deal with life if it throws me a shitty stick like that. (Tbh I think he's too tired to bother with an affair).

YukoandHiro · 20/09/2022 14:03

When we first got *introduced! Not "tougher". Weird autocorrect