ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

So remind me, when do men have to change their names ?

Do men realise when a woman changes their name it's not just being loaned to them?! It's your name, not a temporary identity. Fucks sake men are idiots.

I kept my DH's surname for years after our divorce (in part because I knew it annoyed his genuinely horrible second wife 😂).

If you do want to change it in the future, I recommend doing it via deed poll. I did that, and it's so easy compared to sending out your papers every time. You do it online and pay for registered certificates, so you can blanket-bomb all the organisations and get it changed super fast.

Surely it's just that they didn't know how much hassle it would be until they did it the first time? You are allowed to learn from experiences!

For me the compelling reason to change one of our surnames before marriage was that it was emotionally important for both of us to have the same surname as the children (and he had the nicer surname!). I also thought it would be easier for me to do it as loads of women change their names so surely banks etc make it easy - but it turned out actually to be a massive faff.

There would be no compelling reason to change my name if we divorced (I fact unless the children were also doing it I wouldn't consider it), and now I know it's a pain to do!

I have a similar issue to you op. My divorce should be finalised any day now but have been separated almost 5 years now.

A while back, my dc came home from being at their dad's for the weekend and mentioned that he had said I might change my name. I was quite angry at this as I have never mentioned changing my name as I don't intend to. I was angry at the assumption that I borrowed my name from him but that it never belonged to me and because of the expectation that women change their names depending on the men in their lives and their marital status, when men never have that exception (with the exception of same sex marriages of course).

Anyway, I told our dc that I had no intention of changing my name because it is my name and I like having the same name as them. My ex isn't angry though as far as I know. If he was, it still wouldn't change my views or decision.

Changing your name is a massive PITA and I have had this name for 18 years now so it is who I am. I am not the young, single, childless person I was 18 years ago so my maiden name doesn't feel like me anymore.

True. I know someone who was in this situation and even kept her old married name when she remarried. That caused some raised eyebrows, but she had a stellar professional reputation under her old married name and didn't want to change it.

Gosh, was he a horrible bully when you were married to him?

YADNBU!

I think it is fair enough OP. I too changed my name on marriage and then established myself in a new field of work. Twenty years on I have only ever been known in this professional sector by my married name.

I kept it because I was happy to have one less thing to do at the end of a gruelling divorce and happy enough to have the same name as DC for their school years.

Now DC have left school I am looking for a new job in a slightly different area, I've decided that I will change it back to my maiden name once I get a new job.

If you don't want to ignore him, I'd be tempted to tell him to change his name if he doesn't want the same name as yours.

Once he points out that it's his name, say its yours too, legally.

My dad’s ex wife kept her name after they divorced. It bothered my dad as she tried to use it to con people as she’s a fraudster.

I’ve been married longer than I had my dad’s name. So I’d most likely keep my name.

He doesn’t have to follow you on linked in ?! He should stop cyber stalking you, then this trivial insignificant matter wouldn’t get up his fat nose.

@Sunshineandflipflops that's another good point! I married quite young and my maiden name belongs to a different person to the one I am now... a spectacularly immature one!

Tell him to fuck off and block the fucker

Tell him that Angela Merkel has been divorced from Herr Merkel since 1982 and married to someone else for a quarter of a century. It’s just a name!

I don't think it's even that unusual. I kept my original name, but I know a few women who've done exactly what you have, including one who kept the surname from her first marriage even after divorcing and remarrying as all of her academic degrees and publications were in that name. It's easy to change the first time: following tradition, thinking it will be forever, perhaps expecting children, or not really thinking through the hassle. By the time you're divorced, you have a whole lot more history (including your most recent job history and current social circle) in the married name AND you know firsthand how much of a hassle the change can be.

Received a barrage of abuse in response... Nice reminder that you're well rid of that plonker.

I don't think it's at all unusual. Might be a generational thing. (I'm nearly 60)

I can think of about 15 colleagues and friends who are divorced . Not a single one is Ms they all call themselves Mrs and retain their married name.

You wouldn't want to go around as Ms Dickhead - so you you're not using his name.

It would be good to know what the 11% voting YABU think is unreasonable.

Do they think ex deserves the name more than OP?

YANBU. Nobody owns a name.
If he doesn’t want to have the same surname as you he’s welcome to change it.

I always wonder about people wanting to keep their married name. Always feels like they still have feelings for their ex.

It just signifies to me that they still have feelings for their ex which is a bit sad really.

No we just got used to it...and same name as kids,

Thanks for exposing. But is this true of OP? It sounds like she wants to keep the name for practical purposes.

I didn't change my name on getting married.

I feel if a man wants his wife to take their surname, his have to accept his wife gets to keep that surname for ever. Like the engagement ring, in fact - do men ask for those back on divorce? (Never been divorced so I have no idea how it works, but surely not?)

How ex is ex? If it’s been a while and he hasn’t been fussed until now, I am wondering if he is remarrying and his new fiancé has kicked off about it. I’ve heard of that a few times.

Either way YANBU.