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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

433 replies

NCsurname · 20/09/2022 12:58

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

  1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
  2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
  3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
  4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

OP posts:
TimBoothseyes · 28/09/2022 16:10

Is the truth more that you feel like a failure and you don't want people to know you are divorced?

Well the truth in my case is I like my married name (been divorced 23 years now), more than I like my birth name. As for not wanting people to know I'm divorced...I shouted it from the rooftops when the Absolute got granted. 😄

babyjellyfish · 28/09/2022 16:16

RealityTV · 27/09/2022 17:58

@NCsurname, why on earth would you want to keep the name of someone who doesn't want you, IF YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN? I can understand it if you have kids because you want your name to be consistent with your children's name, but this man doesn't want you and you have no children! I would personally be ASHAMED to keep the name of someone who didn't want to be with me! I see that everyone is different here, but what happens when you meet a guy who DOES want you? Then you're going to be Mrs. Carla Maiden Husband1 Husband2? Oh no! This marriage didn't work out. Invest in changing your name back to your maiden name OR change your last name to something else, but don't keep the name of someone who thinks ill of you! It's over and you need to move on fresh and let go. I wouldn't want any vestiges of a life with someone I'm no longer with attached to me, whether I liked my maiden name or not!

Is the truth more that you feel like a failure and you don't want people to know you are divorced? I can understand that, if that is the case, but when a person no longer wants to be tied to you, DON'T stay tied to that person! Take your strength back, change that name back and move forward or create a new last name for yourself and change it legally. That's my take on this. I am one of the few women in this thread who does feel the married name should be reserved for marriage UNLESS there are children, but I think you do yourself a great disservice by not disassociating. Also, new men may view that as you trying to hold on to your ex, not that this should be your primary concern. Just get a clean break!

Crikey.

I think you have some issues.

BloodAndFire · 28/09/2022 16:17

IrisVersicolor · 28/09/2022 14:28

We live in a patriarchy, it’s just fact.

What does “belong” mean anyway? My Christian and surname belong to me even though my surname comes from my father and his male ancestors.

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You don't seem to understand that the way you can CHANGE things like the patriarchy is by challenging it, rather than just going "it's a fact" and repeating/reinforcing all of the same patriarchal practices and beliefs.

IrisVersicolor · 28/09/2022 20:55

BloodAndFire · 28/09/2022 16:17

You don't seem to understand that the way you can CHANGE things like the patriarchy is by challenging it, rather than just going "it's a fact" and repeating/reinforcing all of the same patriarchal practices and beliefs.

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How do you change the fact that your name has been inherited down the paternal line?

Acknowledging a fact is not the same as practising it. You’re free to reject the name that came from your father.

BloodAndFire · 28/09/2022 21:52

IrisVersicolor · 28/09/2022 20:55

How do you change the fact that your name has been inherited down the paternal line?

Acknowledging a fact is not the same as practising it. You’re free to reject the name that came from your father.

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My daughter has my name.

IrisVersicolor · 28/09/2022 21:58

BloodAndFire · 28/09/2022 21:52

My daughter has my name.

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Which came from your father…

BloodAndFire · 28/09/2022 22:10

IrisVersicolor · 28/09/2022 21:58

Which came from your father…

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No, it didn't.

tickticksnooze · 28/09/2022 22:21

IrisVersicolor · 28/09/2022 21:58

Which came from your father…

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But that isn't his name either by your logic.

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