ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

Makes no sense does it, that "it's one man or another's name" idea?

Boy/girl twins are born... they both get given the same surname (from their father). Does that mean the boy has his own name and his sister has her father's? Of course not.
What if, as is increasingly the case, both are given their mother's name? Are they then both allowed to call it their own then?

As long as you want it, your name is your name is your name. Even though I wasn't born with it, they'd have to prise my beloved name from my cold dead hands.

I asked the same question several times. They won't answer because they can't - because it rests on such totally sexist and misogynist assumptions that it can't be justified.

A man’s name is also his father’s name.

A patrilineal name is always a patrilineal name.

If you want a name that ‘belongs’ to you rather than passed down the patrilineal (or matrilineal in some cultures) line, then you need to choose it yourself and change it by deed poll.

A woman's name belongs to her as soon as she receives it from her parents, or changes it herself. Are you referring to some sort of unwritten time frame around names that I don't know about?

A mans name is also his mothers name, if she shares it.

So, a girl is born and gets her name from her father. She gets married but keeps her name, and gives it to her son, who gives it his daughter.
Is the daughters name patrilineal? Is it her father's name?

Or is it just her name?

My children’s dad has a much better surname than me. I would always choose his over mine for the kids - the politics of it were neither here nor there.

👏🏻👏🏻 Good post.

Ha yes, would you rather be called Turner or Bullock. Don’t think any kids would be thanking you for Bullock when they could have had Turner 😁

Apparently Sandra didn't mind, and it certainly doesn't seem to have harmed her career!

Funny that it's always the woman who just happens to prefer the man's name, not the other way around. Just like how so many women shave their legs because they like it: nothing at all to do with societal expectations.

It’s her great grandfather’s name passed down unusually from her grandmother to her father, who then passed it patrilineally again.

Still a patrilineal name - it will have been passed down patrilineally for generations before the grandmother acquired it.

When my DM split from my dad she kept her married name and still went by the term Mrs despite the fact my dad went on to marry twice more. She had been married to my dad for 26 years so had had that name longer than she had her maiden name (20 years) so she felt odd going back to it. She's 82 now and never remarried so still has "his" name.

presumably beong a twat is the reason he is now your ex.

Its up to you to decide what you are called.

Why not tell him you are also now taking his first name too, see how he lies that? 😜

So all the names belong to the men no matter what, and a woman has no name.

How very feminist.

@NCsurname, why on earth would you want to keep the name of someone who doesn't want you, IF YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN? I can understand it if you have kids because you want your name to be consistent with your children's name, but this man doesn't want you and you have no children! I would personally be ASHAMED to keep the name of someone who didn't want to be with me! I see that everyone is different here, but what happens when you meet a guy who DOES want you? Then you're going to be Mrs. Carla Maiden Husband1 Husband2? Oh no! This marriage didn't work out. Invest in changing your name back to your maiden name OR change your last name to something else, but don't keep the name of someone who thinks ill of you! It's over and you need to move on fresh and let go. I wouldn't want any vestiges of a life with someone I'm no longer with attached to me, whether I liked my maiden name or not!

Is the truth more that you feel like a failure and you don't want people to know you are divorced? I can understand that, if that is the case, but when a person no longer wants to be tied to you, DON'T stay tied to that person! Take your strength back, change that name back and move forward or create a new last name for yourself and change it legally. That's my take on this. I am one of the few women in this thread who does feel the married name should be reserved for marriage UNLESS there are children, but I think you do yourself a great disservice by not disassociating. Also, new men may view that as you trying to hold on to your ex, not that this should be your primary concern. Just get a clean break!

I PREFER my ex’s surname! It sounds better with my FIRST name and I’ve had it for nearly all my adult LIFE!

Its HER NAME NOW @RealityTV
(I followed your understated style of posting).
Your post is full of total bollocks. Why on earth should a divorced woman be ashamed to maintain the name she's used for years. Or indeed be embarrassed about being divorced.
What odd ideas you have.

That seems to be their position, yes.

You seem to feel very strongly about this. In which case, given your own family name is unambiguously yours, why on earth change it in the first place?

My friend had this
she married a total wanker and changed her name
they had a child,the child took his name and he left her for someone else
long story later but she kept his name-and had another two babies (with another deadbeat father who was long gone by the time no2 was born) and gave them her married name
both her ex’s and her family went mental saying she should have gone back to her maiden name-and give the last two dc that but not the first child-he could keep his fathers name
oddly the wanker ex husband wasn’t bothered what she called herself but it caused a lot of grief at the time
she just wanted her little family to share the same name-nothing wrong with that

We live in a patriarchy, it’s just fact.

What does “belong” mean anyway? My Christian and surname belong to me even though my surname comes from my father and his male ancestors.

Btw I’ve never said women have “no name” that’s a very odd idea.

It’s not. You said

If you want a name that ‘belongs’ to you rather than passed down the patrilineal (or matrilineal in some cultures) line, then you need to choose it yourself and change it by deed poll.

Your name doesn’t belong to you if you haven’t changed it to something new by deed poll? That’s most of us. By your reasoning, we don’t have our own name.

All our names ‘belong’ to us in the sense of being our own. But at the same time they’re not solely ours as they are shared with family and passed down the male line.

If you care about this and want a name that is uniquely yours you can change it to name of your choice.