ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

I’m going against the grain but if you don’t have children, why would you want to keep his name? Would you not want to make that final separation from him?

I don’t think it’s that much hassle to change it back? Or to something else entirely if you don’t like your maiden name.

Aww, did you refuse to help him erase you from history? Bad woman!

(I kept my married name until I remarried)

I don´t believe in all this married name pallaver, but in your case I would call myself Ms Xxxxx, making quite clear the masculine r has been dropped. My aunt kept her married name because she was know in her professional capacity as that even though she hated the fucker.

Either ignore him or reply briefly that you don’t have to change your name and won’t be.

Op says she’s know professionally as this name so it’s a good reason to keep it.

Names are not copyrighted, they do not 'belong' to people and no one has 'control' over people using them.

It is YOUR name, your identity does not belong to a man or a marraige status its entirely yours and he has no claim to it.

Im always amazed some men get pissy over this, they must lose their mind when they suddenly find out there are hundreds of women equally not sleeping with them that also share the surname 'Smith' without his permission lol.

I also kept my married name when I seperated and divorced because I wanted to be the same as the kids and I am well known (in my tiny niche, I'm not Beyonce!) by that name.

My exH thought it was nice. No abuse or fury at all.

By the way, report the angry messages to Linkedin!

Who in God's name uses Miss these days (or Mrs for that matter)?

Two words.
Tina Turner.

Why do children matter in this?

My kids have DH surname and I do not, I also have different surname from my mam and step dad and siblings never been an issue and bizaare that people make it one. The only reason it matter is that the only time you CAN change your name on a birth certificate is upon marraige so OP would NOT match her children birth certificate if she changed it after devorce.

What IS an issue is my degrees, licensences and profesional reptation (all my publications etc...) are in MY name. It would be impossible to change many of them over to a knew name and it would be MASSIVELY confusing to my career.

Women who have established their own idenity have alot of hassle completely changing that, once you're past 18 changing your name is a massive PITA for a lot of people.

certainly beats Annie Mae Bullock

How does it even bother him? If he didn’t go looking for you on LinkedIn and you don’t live near each other he can go his whole life without ever knowing or being bothered by the surname you have. He is making this a big deal for him self for no reason.

Ignore all my typo please... god we need an edit button

I do think it’s weird to change your name on marriage - im a woman but if my ex had changed his name to mine then kept it after break up I would have thought it strange. Also why do some women repeatedly change their name if they get married again?

but I think your reasons for not changing your name again op are good. But I understand your ex’s confusion too - I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed.

It’s not his name anyway it’s his fathers and his father’s father’s etc ad Month Python.

For all the reasons listed in the OP, I imagine. Plus, it’s her name.

YANBU, its your name.

My DB was married for 10 years and they had 2 DC before they split. Ex wife kept our family surname, lets say Jones. They co-parented very well and we still all attended family events. She then had a DD from a casual fling (child's father wanted nothing to do with them) and she gave that DC the surname Jones. So her and her 3 DC are Jones. My DB didn't have a problem with it and I don't think it even crossed his mind. He remarried 5 years ago and new wife wasn't happy. She felt she should be the only Mrs Jones and not only wanted ex to change her surname but also the unrelated DC. She felt only "their family" should be Jones. No idea if DB ever asked his ex but nothing has come from it and she's still Mrs Jones!

I never understood why people keep their married name after divorce. You have to see that name all the time, wouldn't that bother you? I detest my ex the last thing I would want would be to see his name every time I write mine. That said I never changed my name when I got married a I'm a bit of a feminist. I see the married surname as a perk of a marriage, once divorced I believe you should revert to your maiden name as you're no longer married but aware I may be a minority

I am amused by posters saying it’s too much hassle to change their name following divorce, when it wasn’t the case following the marriage

But it was a hassle. I am not planning to divorce, but if I did, I'd probably keep his surname as it's better than my maiden name. Or I'd switch to my mum's maiden name, but I'd still have the hassle of switching.

This is not generally an issue for men.

He doesn’t own the name! Maybe he doesn’t realise this and thinks it’s unique to him.

But equally, why bother? She has a name she likes. Having that name doesn’t affect hIm in any way.

Because she is well known professionally under that name and womens professional advancement is every bit as important as mens

Honestly? With no children I would find it a bit pathetic for a woman to keep her married name. Unless you've been married for 50 years and in your 70s. Of course he has no right to demand anything and the choice is yours. It is a strange choice though

YANBU

I've kept my married name, and didn't have kids. Don't want my maiden name back as it was my Dad's name and I've been no contact for over 20 years.

Also aside from the faff of changing name - I also didn't want the faff of people at work knowing I'd got divorced, or asking if I'd gotten married, when they notice my name change.

It's your name now & if you feel it sounds good on you, then you get to keep it.

You could have never met him & randomly decided to change your surname to that exact one if you wanted.

He doesn't own the name & he doesn't get to choose who has it & who does not.

Pathetic?! I find you thinking that it's pathetic quite idiotic to be honest.