ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

I love these little reminders of how excellent it is to be divorced from these cretins and their foolishness!

I didnt change my name my mom did she had loads of people congratulating her on her marriage she had to tell them all she got divorced it got a bit awkward

If everyone called you Jane for 10 years it would feel very odd to suddenly be Sarah again. You get used to a name.

Of course you have to change it back -the great one has spoken. He owns the name and has total control over it after all. Back in the real world it’s tough shit and l wouldn’t debate it with him 🤷‍♀️

Your poor mom! Sorry, I did laugh out out loud when I read this 🤣

Not in hell am I changing my name back to maiden name hated it definitely not I can’t be bothered with all the hassle of changing if I did I’d Mrs Brenner or Bond.

I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.

I change my name on marriage - it was way more of a hassle than I was expecting.

I think our families would have been awkward if I hadn't but DH didn't seem to mind and I was mid 20s so not that much to change or so I thought and not that long in workplace.

If we ever do split I wouldn't bother changing and sod what anyone else thinks- as while I have't yet had this surname s long as maiden name it's been the bulk of my adult life.

No you don’t need to pay to change your name by deed poll when you are divorced you can choose to use your birth surname as it is still your legal name.
I don’t understand why anyone would want to keep the name of someone they are divorced from.

This. I am amused by posters saying it’s too much hassle to change their name following divorce, when it wasn’t the case following the marriage. Lot of psychology around that one!

OP’s ex does sound like a five star twat though, so swings and roundabouts.

Well I personally think it’s a bit weird to keep it but no, he doesn’t get to tell you whether you can or you can’t so no, YANBU.

Another great reason not to change your name in the first place though, no?! Unless you’re specifically viewing marriage as a way to get a new one 🤣 (deed poll would be cheaper!)

Same here . After 14 years of people knowing me by ex husbands surname and with a child with his surname- I decided to stay with that surname. Now 8 years on I think it's an option to change back next time I change job but actually might do it when I retire .

I've been married for 7 years and my LinkedIn profile is still in my maiden name, more because professionally that's who I've been known as for the last 12+ years on there.
It's your name, he doesn't get to choose when you use it, just block. ☺

It has nothing to do with him. Passing him off would be a bonus reason for keeping it if I were you!

To PPs saying we shouldn't take our husband names upon marriage... my father was a violent, nasty, wife-beating drunkard and a petty criminal. He put zero effort and zero money into raising me. He also landed me with a maiden name that I always disliked. So when I married a nice man with a nice normal surname, I was delighted to take his instead. And if we split, I would keep it. I prefer it, my children share it and it's been my name for over half of my life.

I'm sure someone will be along to say there's no reason to give children their dad's surname in any case. Well, that's a valid point. However, I was born in the 70s and that's the way it generally worked. I didn't have a choice in the matter when I was a baby, and now I do. I LIKE the name that I share with my husband and kids.

I don’t understand why anyone would want to keep the name of someone they are divorced from.

You don't need to 'understand'. Whatever the reason, the point is that it isn't the ex-husband's decision.

OP your ex-husband is nuts. You can have any name you choose.

As you don't have any children so no reason to communicate with one another simply ignore him and if he continues block him on everything.

You are divorced so your name and what you get up to is nothing to do with him.

One of the most famous woman with an ex-husband's name is Angela Dorothea Merkel. Her birth name was* *Angela Dorothea Kasner and she is married to Professor Joachim Sauer.

First bit should have said pissing him off. Autocorrect disapproved of my choice of phraseology! 😂

Another great reason not to change your name in the first place though, no?! Unless you’re specifically viewing marriage as a way to get a new one 🤣 (deed poll would be cheaper!)

@PiratePetespajamas good point. 😁

Personally I would only do this if I had children with the same surname so I can’t understand it but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You do you

@Ponoka7 have you forgotten there is also Ms?

I totally see his point and can't understand why women keep their married names upon separation.. It's his name, you wouldn't have it had you not got married, I wouldn't want the association at all, I would want a name that's my name, that I didn't get from someone I'm now not with anymore..

It became the OP's name when she got married, it's hers now.

I changed back to my maiden name after divorce (no need for deed poll if you are reverting to a previous name) because I wanted to. I never even considered my ex husband's opinion on the matter just as I wouldn't have done had I chosen to keep my married name.

Tell him he can always use your maiden name if he wants to be different names!

Not your ex’s decision. One final attempt to order you around bites the dust. I bet he was the type who was dead keen for you to change your name to his. All very well for them as there’s no societal expectation for men to change their names at any point or at anyone else’s say so. Rather a contrast to some of the views expressed here that OP should change her name back, or should never have changed it in the first place!

This. I am amused by posters saying it’s too much hassle to change their name following divorce, when it wasn’t the case following the marriage. Lot of psychology around that one!

I didn't know it was a hassle till I bloody did it once.

Everyone in previous generation who married didn't have the same level of hassle - I think fewer databases around and perhaps it was more normal to change.

I don't think it was psychology more bitter hard won experience of having done it once.

I'd love to go back to my maiden name but DD13 has her dads surname even though she hasn't seen him or stayed with him for over a year.

Incidentally I have told/warned my DD it's a pain in the arse more so than expected.