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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

318 replies

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 12:29

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gensola · 20/09/2022 12:30

I don’t think you can compel people to attend your event, and the fact he doesn’t want to be there is a reason not to come. You are of course enti

Gensola · 20/09/2022 12:31

Oops pressed send too soon! I was about to say you’re entitled to be hurt he doesn’t want to be there, I would be in your shoes. Sorry this is happening to you.

IncompleteSenten · 20/09/2022 12:32

Yes. It's rude.
You are supposed to lie your arse off to get out of an event you don't want to go to. Everyone knows that.

BertieBotts · 20/09/2022 12:32

I think it's rude of him to directly say he doesn't want to come, but it's not unreasonable to turn down an invite because you don't want to! Just be polite about it and don't say a reason.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/09/2022 12:33

My gfil declined our wedding invitation because he didn't want to come. I thought it was fair enough, but a shame he didn't want to come to support non-driver gmil.

BertieBotts · 20/09/2022 12:33

Is he always so blunt? Maybe he doesn't quite get social norms and that's why it seems fine/normal to your DH if he's always been like that?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 20/09/2022 12:33

BertieBotts · 20/09/2022 12:32

I think it's rude of him to directly say he doesn't want to come, but it's not unreasonable to turn down an invite because you don't want to! Just be polite about it and don't say a reason.

Yep this.

Im with your husband though in just letting it be. He’s said he’s not coming. Just get on with the rest of the day

carefullycourageous · 20/09/2022 12:33

Haha, he has been rude but he has been honest. I do decline things I don't want to go to but lie and say I'm unable to attend.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/09/2022 12:34

Perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation because you just don’t want to be there, a bit rude to express it so bluntly

piegone · 20/09/2022 12:34

No I don't. As an adult who has spent years complying I have finally found my voice and if it don't want to do something I simply decline. It fine for someone not to want to, whatever the event.

ColouredGlass · 20/09/2022 12:34

Well, he isn't following polite convention, but he is at least being honest. Maybe he is tired of turning up to events that he doesn't feel comfortable with and this is new ground for him and the family? If your DH isn't annoyed or taking it seriously, why are you? If you generally get on with him, I would let this go.

MintJulia · 20/09/2022 12:34

I suppose he's being honest. If he isn't religious, I can quite understand him not wanting to be there.

Would you have preferred him to say it 'wasn't his thing' or that he wasn't religious?

FreudayNight · 20/09/2022 12:35

It’s just his way of letting you know that his inherent selfishness has grown beyond what his politeness can deal with. (Aka, he’s a bit of a cunt).

The upside is- you don’t him any feigned politeness and can cheerfully tell him to take a hike /to leave your house /to just fuck off./that he’s a massive hypocrite.

Ponoka7 · 20/09/2022 12:35

I think that it is honest. What excuse could he use? If you aren't religious then Christenings are a pain to sit through. If he sees a lot of the children, then there's no need to attend.

Mamamia7962 · 20/09/2022 12:36

He sounds like a petulant child stamping his feet and saying that he doesn't want to go.

It won't make any difference really whether he's there or not it will still be a lovely day. Agree with your husband though, just let it go and concentrate on the day itself. He's not worth wasting any energy on.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/09/2022 12:37

So rude! Do they invite you to events?

It’s telling you DH believes ‘he will have his reasons’ and suggests perhaps other stuff has happened/going on. Has he lost his faith? Fallen out with another family member? Developed dementia and doesn’t want to be out in public etc etc

could be a reason that you’ve not been told as he has asked for privacy and they think believing him to be rude preferable to breaking his trust.

Wouldloveanother · 20/09/2022 12:39

i think it’s quite refreshing actually! Rather than lying and then trying to keep up with the lie later, he’s just said it’s not his sort of thing. We had the same when we baptised DD, I just thought fair enough - church events aren’t for everyone.

MessyBunPersonified · 20/09/2022 12:41

If you tell someone you can't attend because of X reason, 99% of the time they come up with a solution.

Its quite refreshing to hear someone say they just don't want to 🤣

Qwerkie · 20/09/2022 12:41

I wouldn’t attend a christening either - don’t agree with them. Refreshing but rude for him to be so upfront. You do need to stop dwelling on it though

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2022 12:41

I quite like it but then I have responded to things in the past with “no thank you, I dont want to”

cawfeee · 20/09/2022 12:43

Its rude. Presumably it's his grandchild and he should at least make the effort for a few hours.
Without offering a brief explanation, I'm not religious etc. he's just leaving people to think that he can't be bothered with them, which is rude.
I would return his bluntness in kind next time he asks something of me, after all it's so refreshing to be told to fuck off in not so many words.

10HailMarys · 20/09/2022 12:43

Mildly rude to express it quite as bluntly as that, I suppose. But on the other hand he is your partner's immediate family so presumably he feels he doesn't need to pussy-foot around and make up fake excuses to his own son, which I can sort of understand.

Also, I have to say that I don't find christenings to be a fun day out at all.

GlitterB0mb · 20/09/2022 12:44

It's an invitation not a court summons. Of course he can say no.

He could have been more diplomatic in his no though

georgarina · 20/09/2022 12:45

Yes, it's rude to say you don't want to go because you don't want to be there. It tells the other person you/your life event is not important to them. It's like responding to a coffee date with 'No, I don't want to see you.'

If you don't want to go to something, you can make a polite excuse.

Wouldloveanother · 20/09/2022 12:46

He should’ve said he would be ‘uncomfortable’ going, that magic little word lets you off the hook for all sorts on here 😉