To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

Being this blunt is absolutely fine so long as you don't mind if other people take the same approach with you. In this particular instance my reaction to FIL saying he didn't want to come would be to think 'his loss' and I wouldn't really mind, it's no skin off my nose after all. But I wouldn't be making much effort to invite him to things in the future as he has made his feelings pretty clear – if he's going to turn down invitations for no reason other than he doesn't want to come, I'd just stop issuing the invites.

He might find that no one visits him at his nursing home in a few years because they don't want to.

As people get older particularly if they have symptoms of dementia, it’s not unusual for them to lose their social filter on what’s a socially acceptable response.

He put his feelings and needs first - you might now feel able to do the same in the future when he would like some support you just might not want to and now you know the rules of what's ok that will be perfectly fine!

Is rude. But honest. I personally can’t bear going to christening when the parents are not religious. I find it hypocritical. And these days I would make an excuse not to go.

Of course you may well be religious so may not be the case with you.

But IRL, lots of people trample over those boundaries.

So, if you just say "I can't be there", people will ask why. And suggest you change your plans, or offer you a lift, or change the time/day so you can come etc. It's like they can't accept that you could possibly want to do anything else.

I'd rather someone just said to me "It's not my cup of tea so I'll give it a miss" rather than gave me some bullshit excuse.

To be fair, even for Christians, christenings do drag on a bit.

It’s rude, but would be good to know the reason.
Chistenings are pretty tedious if you are not Christian or not religious.

Unless he has a genuine reason that he doesn't want to share, I think he's rude not to come in the first place, never mind refusing diplomatically. Within families there are certain expectations, one of which is you attend key events and celebrations unless you have a good reason not to. So what if its boring and he'd rather not go? It's a few hours, he's a grown man and should put himself out. Just as I'm sure other family members will endure things they'd rather not do for his benefit. Including his company if he's as rude as he seems.

Yes it does appear rude but on the other hand he may be having some health problems he hasn't wanted to disclose or maybe another gust who is attending that he doesn't like but doesn't want to upset u

Unfortunately this happens to far too many people. And no, you don't deserve neglect in your old age, because you've declined invitations to special occasions, even if you were impolite about it. Perhaps you do if you neglected or abused your children.

Within families there are certain expectations, one of which is you attend key events and celebrations unless you have a good reason not to.

Not in my family, no. There are indeed expectations: that you stay in regular touch (growing up before modern technology, I was essentially a 'pen-pal' of several relatives who lived abroad); that you help whenever you can; that you share whenever you can. But attendance at celebrations is not seen as a big requirement. Support in painful or difficult situations, yes.

He's been reading MN -"No is a full sentence" 😂
Seriously though it is a bit rude. I expect your MIL and DH are embarrassed so I wouldn't make a big deal of it-I'd just ignore him and make the occasion pleasant for everyone else.

Fair enough. If its the norm in the family not to attend events then he hasn't been rude. The fact the OP is surprised though suggests it isn't.

It's rude, but honest. Otherwise I guess he'd think up some excuse. Not much of an upside but it's nice he felt he could just be honest

I think it’s folly to not assume that what goes around comes around and if you can’t be arsed valuing the things that are important to people, you can’t really expect to be at the forefront of their minds when it comes to you.

Not one or two occasions, no, but relationships are built around reciprocity. If you don't reciprocate effort and prioritise things that are important to the other person sometimes, then the relationship will soon fizzle out.

And I don't think anyone has an automatic entitlement to 'duty' family visits, whether at home, in a nursing home or wherever. It depends whether the relationship is there.

We still don't know if he screamed, with a spit-flecked red face "no!" at op or if MIL just casually dropped in "I'll be there FIL doesn't want to come" or whatever. So rude - meh. We don't know. I am going to assume they found out via MIL and that's fine IMO.

But there’s a difference between politeness and lies, right?
’Is the homemade soup ok?’
’Yes, it’s delicious’
or
‘I don’t really like it, it’s too salty’
’Do you think I should buy this house?’
‘Yes, it’s perfect and you will love living there’
or
’honestly, I think you might regret as you’ve always said you wanted a big garden’

You didn't say which you think is better though. I would never "yes it's delicious" if i don't like something (except to 7 year old DD, for eg, and even then i may point out how it could be made more delicious for next time).

The house one? second answer every time.

Sometimes you need to lie by omission though unless you really can handle the consequences like you know without doubt your bf's husband is cheating. We all know that the bearer of the bad news is often cut out, even if bf believes them and divorces cheating husband.

He doesn’t want to see them for a meaningful event because he cba.

So surely when they cba to visit him when it might suit him, it’s the exact same.

Funny how it’s all about his right to do as he pleases but when it hypothetically comes around to bite him it’s unfair and neglect.

If you neglect the relationships in your life, you will find yourself neglected.

If someone values attendance at a party as more important than being there for someone in their old age, then they are truly horrible people in my opinion. (Not accusing the OP of this.)

It might be different if someone considers a christening as highly important from a religious point of view, but not 'You slighted me by not attending my party!'

And if someone DOES have this IMO very misguided sense of values, then at least they should have the decency to go NC immediately, and not wait until the person is old and vulnerable to spite them.

If he never bothered to stay in touch with his relatives at all, or only ever contacted them when he wanted something, then this would be a fair point. But attending or not attending a celebration is INFINITELY less meaningful than being there for someone when they are vulnerable. I am not talking about groups for whom christenings are highly meaningful for religious reasons.

I think not wanting to be there is fine, but saying it is not. He should definitely have lied and you are well within your rights to be upset about it.

so all introverts who set boundaries around social gatherings should end up alone in old age then? How caring!

I don’t think it’s spite as much as strength of relationships

I think if introverts choose to spend their time alone, it’s likely they’ll end up alone.