To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

Well.. I mean it's a bit blunt but at least he's honest. Maybe he's going for honest!

This is totally something my fil would do. He has complete lack of social manners and wont do something he doesnt want to do - he hates social occasions.
Perhaps he is worried about groups of people and covid. I know my parents still are.

He was very rude but at least picking out his retirement home has just become that bit easier!

Why on earth do you repeatedly assert that the fact he attended the christening for your eldest must necessarily mean that he shouldn't have a problem with this one? Maybe he hated every moment last time? Maybe it took every ounce of his self-control not to run screaming from the church and he doesn't feel strong enough to bear it this time?

A Christening is for welcoming a new member into the body of The Church. It is an event arranged by christans for christians. Atheists and members of other faiths may be invited but with absolutely no pressure to accept and no ome bats an eyelid if they don't. If you want a family party for your new baby do it separately from the christening.

I think it is a lot ruder to not accept someone's declining your invitation. No one owes you their attention.

No, not at all. Life is too short to do things you don't want to do. You enjoy your day and let him enjoy his.

It's very odd, but I'd take 'I just don't want to be there' as his way of telling you to back of questioning it. He will have a reason that he just wants to keep private. Frankly I think it's quite impressive he's willing to be so honest!

Drop it. You invited him, it's an invitation, not mandatory. He has let you know, instead of keeping you hanging or bailing at the last minute.

YABU just try and focus on the day and don’t create a problem where there currently is not one.

Yeah, it’s a bit weird and rude. Doubtless multiple MNers will tell you it’s absolutely fine and normal and you’re the rude one by even questioning it. Maybe he’s passive aggressively making some kind of point. He may well have had a falling out with his wife and is punishing her by doing this.

Forget him and enjoy the day!

It's an invite not a summons.
Are you a regular church goer - or just using the church for a photo op? As an atheist he may find this hard to stomach last time if you don't go every week and this time he doesn't want to see the hypocrisy?

What a breath of fresh air for someone to say what they think ! You should actually value that.

Lol your fil must have been reading all the mumsnet threads on how no is a complete sentence 😂

it’s rude but it’s his choice and if your dh isn’t fussed then just let it go

Grab that response and hold it tight op.
Whenever they assume you to be somewhere - be it Christmas /fil /mil's birthday you can trot it out.

He is giving you a get out free card too!!

I think it's very honest. And I have also used this as a reason. Tbh if he doesn't want to go, then fine. I'd rather he not be there moaning about being forced than having a happy time without him.

I don’t think he did anything wrong. He doesn’t want to come. He potentially didn’t want to go to your eldest’s either but felt compelled to and didn’t want to go through all that again

Because he is family he couldn’t make up an excuse like he had other plans so had to be honest

But at the end of the day it’s your DH’s family and if he accepts his dad’s decision then you should too

How many times do we tell people on here you don't need an excuse to say no?

I would rather he not come if he wasn't going to enjoy it.

Celebrate with the people that want to be there and not worry about those who don't.

Because when you bluntly turn down a close family event without an explanation, you will leave someone puzzling over the reasons, instead of just acknowledging that the person is a rude twat.
And no I don't want to do something is not a normal response to an invitation from a close family member.

Absolutely. Good for the goose and all that.

It is a bit rude but I wouldn’t let it upset you

I can see why you’d be upset, but Christenings are beyond dull. I could easily imagine my Dad giving the same answer, he’s always been fairly blunt but the older he gets the more (brutally!) honest he is.
He doesn’t want to be there, clearly, so leave it be and just enjoy your day with those who do!

I think he should make the effort to attend his grandchild's christening unless he has a very good reason not to.

Fine to politely decline a christening of a more distant relative or friend (but why not just say, sorry, a prior engagement, even it that's really just a prior engagement with his armchair and the telly) but this is his grandchild!

Does he have form for declining things because he just doesn't want to? If not, I'd be worried there was something up that he wasn't ready to tell you.

Rude and a bit weird for a grandparent. For friends or more distant family I'd say bit blunt but fair enough. If he doesn't want to do the religious but he could come for food after.

I agree with others though that you know have the perfect way of getting out of any invitations from PIL!

I tend to make excuses if there's something I don't want to do with the exception of baby shower invitations where I now openly say it's not my cup of tea and suggest meeting up separately - for a cup of tea! (and cake)

I sometimes really struggle to come up with a better reason why I don't want to go to something other than "I just don't want to", and I imagine a grandchild's christening is quite hard to come up with an excuse for.

Maybe he thinks it's better just to be honest than come with an elaborate lie that he could caught out on?

Hmmm... I think my OH doesn't want or push it because it's too painful. FIL was a very disengaged dad. My OH is a really great hands on dad because he said that his own dad refused to play or interact much with OH when he was a child and he used to pine for his attention . He would just sit and spend hours and hours each day watching FIL play video games hoping that he might turn around and chat to him. FIL had bouts of depression so I'd always thought that was the reason that he'd been such a rubbish dad. I guess if had never occurred to me before that maybe he just didn't care.

He's been a fairly hands off grandfather too but I'd always worked on the assumption that underneath it all he cared about his family so have always tried to involve/engage him.

I come from a very loving family so it's alien to me.

Feel like I need to do and give my poor OH a big hug now.

It's an invitation to attend, not an order. Would you rather he lied ?

I don’t attend child christenings as I find them offensive. I wonder if he attended the first with misgivings and realized that it was a mistake so now knows not to attend another.