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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

318 replies

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 12:29

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2022 13:43

So much assumption from everyone about this man based on one factual sentence. Good on him for not making up a bs excuse.

If we could all be so straight-forward we’d all know where we stand (as long as people just took it at face value instead of making up reasons and feelings the poor bloke never expressed!)

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 20/09/2022 13:43

Yanbu and yes it's rude.

But if he felt that strongly about declining, he should have made up a palatable excuse for not being able to make it.

Sarahcoggles · 20/09/2022 13:45

Wouldloveanother · 20/09/2022 12:39

i think it’s quite refreshing actually! Rather than lying and then trying to keep up with the lie later, he’s just said it’s not his sort of thing. We had the same when we baptised DD, I just thought fair enough - church events aren’t for everyone.

That's not what he's said though is it. He's just said he doesn't want to come, leaving OP wondering why. If he'd said sorry but I really can't be doing with christenings, it wouldn't be so bad. It would be a bit antisocial, but at least OP wouldn't be trying to figure out what she's done wrong.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2022 13:45

Wouldloveanother · 20/09/2022 12:39

i think it’s quite refreshing actually! Rather than lying and then trying to keep up with the lie later, he’s just said it’s not his sort of thing. We had the same when we baptised DD, I just thought fair enough - church events aren’t for everyone.

I agree that it's quite refreshing. I get tired of seeing posts where people come up with convoluted lies for people to get out of events they don't want to go to and it would, in my opinion, be better if the social norm were for people to be honest.

However I understand why the OP is hurt by this.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 20/09/2022 13:46

Ask your mum in law if they are (or aren't) together? Xx

RaraRachael · 20/09/2022 13:47

We had a dedication service for our daughter because the church we go to doesn't do baby christenings. All of DH's family said they were coming then none of them turned up because "we weren't having a do afterwards". They had all had big fancy christenings for their kids although they did not or have since had, any connection with the church.

Then they had to cheek to question why we weren't gong to next child's christening 🙄

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:49

But we need to unpack all this

We need to pack up the phrase 'we need to unpack this'.

Maytodecember · 20/09/2022 13:49

At least he’s avoiding lying.
I tried to get out of a friend’s event. I was so depressed after my DP died I couldn’t face it. Every excuse I came up with they had a solution for. I really didn’t want to be rude but avoiding offending them caused me huge anxiety and many tears.
I think you have to accept his decision.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:50

'I'm an atheist and I can't compromise my beliefs by attending a christening' is fine by me. And would be to most people I'd imagine.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2022 13:50

wottabargain · 20/09/2022 13:02

It's an invitation to attend, not an order. Would you rather he lied ?

Or told the white lie that so many mumsnetters are so fond of? No, it's a lie whichever way you look at it.

SillySausage81 · 20/09/2022 13:51

YANBU at all.
I know on mumsnet "no" is supposed to be "a full sentence", but the reality is it often sounds harsh and sometimes downright rude, which is why we almost always try to soften it.

Everyone saying "maybe he has this reason, maybe he has that reason..." well surely that's part of the issue, isn't it? If he had a genuine reason then it would have sounded much less harsh if he'd explained. For example, "I'm sorry, I'm an atheist and I feel very strongly against christening children. I know I came to your eldest's, but the more I think about it the more uncomfortable I have become so I'd rather not." would sound so much better than just "nope, don't want to".

Also, as someone else said, it is selfish too. No one goes to christenings because we are expecting the absolute time of our life, but we go to support our family and friends. He has just come out and said supporting his son, grandchild and wife don't matter to him.

Unfortunately it does sound like he quite simply doesn't care, which must be heart breaking for your poor husband, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do except try not to rub it in your DH's face... :(

ArnoldBee · 20/09/2022 13:51

When my dad reached the age of 70 he finally decided to respond to invites with no I don't want to come after the rest of his life of being extremely compliant. Positively refreshing!

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:51

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2022 13:43

So much assumption from everyone about this man based on one factual sentence. Good on him for not making up a bs excuse.

If we could all be so straight-forward we’d all know where we stand (as long as people just took it at face value instead of making up reasons and feelings the poor bloke never expressed!)

Well the OP's second post sheds more light on the situation. Wouldn't you agree?

DomesticBlisters · 20/09/2022 13:51

In a neurotypical world you lie to get out of things.

In a neurodiverse world you are honest about the reason.

Apparently the neurodiverse people are wrong even though we're told lying is wrong. 🙃

namechangetheworld · 20/09/2022 13:52

He was needlessly rude. Of course it's absolutely fine for him not to attend, but he should have at least tried to be polite about it. Manners cost nothing, but instead he chose to make you and his son feel like shit. That says a lot about him as a person, as well as all of the Mumsnetters cheering him on. I would be remembering this sort of behaviour in the future, when he's elderly and inevitably starts asking for more help.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2022 13:52

cawfeee · 20/09/2022 13:19

Can't imagine the 'no thank you, I don't want to' have many friends, or get invited out much really.
It's not normal response to a perfectly reasonable invitation to something.

I have plenty of friends and invitations, thank you.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 20/09/2022 13:53

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:42

What are you on about? He has made no statement about not wishing to attend for reasons of being an atheist.

Do people just not bother reading the OP's posts anymore? Confused

Show quote history

“Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist?”

It says it in the OP’s first post. 🤷🏻‍♀️

cawfeee · 20/09/2022 13:54

I have plenty of friends and invitations, thank you.
How wonderful that you manage to squeeze in so much time on here with that busy social life of yours.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:56

BatteryPoweredMammy · 20/09/2022 13:53

“Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist?”

It says it in the OP’s first post. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

if it was the religion thing presumably he'd have said 'it's the religion thing'

It's weird that people are choosing to ignore the post where OP explains he was a pretty shit dad to her partner. Seems far more likely he's just continuing this habit than taking a principled stand.

MerryMarigold · 20/09/2022 13:57

be much better if people felt they could just say no to events they don’t really want to attend without all this but familyyyy pressure stuff.

Have we really got a point where life is just 'all about me and what I want do'. It's so sad. I hope my kids don't grow up like this. You don't need to constantly people-please by attending everything - but wisdom is knowing what is important to attend and what is not. Your grandchild's christening/ birthday/ graduation etc are important whether you believe in them or not. (I find birthdays for 1 year olds pointless but I would certainly attend my grandchild's. Likewise I disagree with christenings but it's a social event with my grandchild at the centre).

SandAndSea · 20/09/2022 13:59

I'm a very polite person but I can relate to your FIL's response. (Not the back story, just the invitation.) It reminds me of Phoebe in friends when she said something like: "I would but I don't want to". And honestly, I hope never to get another baby shower (or similar) invitation.

Maybe he put in a massive effort to go to the first Christening and feels like that's enough for him? Maybe he feels like his time on this planet is short and precious and he doesn't want to spend it doing things which are uncomfortable?

I would try not to take it personally if you can.

piegone · 20/09/2022 13:59

@cawfeee

Can't imagine the 'no thank you, I don't want to' have many friends, or get invited out much really.

You are correct. I'm autistic, I don't surround myself with people, mainly because I don't understand this weird fucking 'lie to people' thing others do. If you don't want to do something you are allowed to say no without making up some pish story that both you and the other party know full well to be nonsense. I don't want invited out, like I said before I have spent years complying so it's greta to finally be free to say no thanks and if people stop inviting me to things because I don't want to go...well you know, that works for me.

It's not normal response to a perfectly reasonable invitation to something.

What do you mean by 'reasonable' invitation? It's an invitation regardless, a choice, an option.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2022 14:00

cawfeee · 20/09/2022 13:54

I have plenty of friends and invitations, thank you.
How wonderful that you manage to squeeze in so much time on here with that busy social life of yours.

I don't think I've interacted with you before?

LovinglifeAF · 20/09/2022 14:00

Very weird behaviour. What kind of grandparent doesn’t want to attend his grandchild’s christening

Thatboymum · 20/09/2022 14:01

If I don’t want to go somewhere I don’t feel the need to sugar coat it and make excuses , I don’t want to go simple as and if that bothers you then it’s a you problem.