To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

He's been very blunt and rude, but your OP has 6 questions though he's given a straight answer.

Is it likely you would have probed if he'd just said he can't make it, so he's tried to head you off by saying exactly why - hoping it would be a conversation stopper?

😆 True though.

It’s rude but maybe it’s actually better than giving a fabricated but more socially acceptable reason for not attending.

It would never have occurred to me to be upset or insulted

It's an event that's important to OP and her family, though.
Her dad is saying that he would rather not put the effort in to be there on a day that is important to them, which is rude and hurtful.
No one is saying it's not your right to turn down invitations, but to turn one down and not make an excuse has an effect on the person inviting you. That's just the reality.
Similarly, you could put on an event and invite your entire family apart from one person, 'because you don't want them to come.' It's your right to do that. But you can't deny it's not a nice thing to do.

Whenever they assume you to be somewhere - be it Christmas /fil /mil's birthday you can trot it out.

and other replies of that ilk - nope. It should be acceptable to say "no thanks, i don't want to do that". Whyever shouldn't that be normal? I say this kind of thing when i don't want to do things with family, friends, at work or wherever.

A lot of the problems that people write about here could have easily been solved if people had been a bit less "flowery" with their language and a bit more direct. It isn't rude to say "i don't want to" unless you're hissing it at them or screaming at them with your fingers held up in the shape of a cross or something.

As a matter of reference: I turn down all church related things with the exception of weddings (which i love, anyway, despite all the god stuff) and i really don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone. Likewise, i am happy for people to reply with "no, thank you, not my thing".

If they'd simply RSVP'd with "MIL will attend, FIL will not attend", would you have left it at that, or would you have asked for FIL's reasons and tried to discuss/address them? (For example, if he said he'd be out of town on business, you could propose changing the date). They're being clear about who will attend so that you can plan and also conveying up front that the decision's final, there's nothing else you need to or can do.

If the issue is that you want him to be there and he does not want to be there then I'm afraid your husband is right, it's FIL's decision and everyone has to live with it. But the communication is clear.

But here's the thing...they don't want to.

It's pretty graceless but at least it excuses you from future consideration/ politeness towards him.

Or is he one of those people who is 'honest' and 'straightforward' in the sense that they can dish it out, but they can't take it?

An invitation is just that - not a summons - and it’s fine to decline! But it’s preferable to be polite about it! And part of that is giving a reason such as “thank you for the invitation but very regretfully, health issues prevent me from attending”. Then, no reasonable person would question the response and would not ask for further details.

As it stands, op has been left not only disappointed at his response but also unclear about the reasons why, fearing she may have caused offence. So that’s a two point fail!

I’m team FIL.

If you genuinely think he’s being rude, can you not see that expecting an atheist to participate in a religious service is equally as rude? Actually, I think that’s much worse.

He doesn’t want to be bothered to attend a pointless christening in a church listening to a vicar or priest droning on about ridiculous things he doesn’t believe in. Honestly, if you’re an atheist, it can be very hard biting your lip listening to all this bullshit about God and crap and smiling politely pretending it’s perfectly reasonable when inside your head you’re going ‘WTF is this bollocks?’.

@mumofbe

Very rude, yes, but you have bigger, longer term problems here.

Sadly, it does sound as if FIL is simply as disinterested in his GC as he was on his own son.

You have hinted that your OH is painfully aware of his own father's disinterest. All I'd say is, be careful when your children start noticing.

I have similar in-laws. It very sad to hear my 12 yo DC say about his GPs, "They just don't care about us, mum". That's not great for a child'd self-esteem to put it mildly.

I would stop making a special effor to include FIL. Whatever he misses it's on him. Just try to minimise its effect on your kids.

It’s just his way of letting you know that his inherent selfishness has grown beyond what his politeness can deal with.

Yep. Just means that currently his wish to stay at home is greater than his wish to avoid upsetting anyone.

For a grandparent though - as much as people say it's refreshing etc. you will be asker where he is and if you were to say he didn't want to come you would get some raised eyebrows.

Rude AND selfish.

• Selfish: Fine, you don't like christenings. You go because it's your grandchild, you're sorting your son, your supporting your wife - in their choices. Or you at least politely say, I don't like the church bit but I'll come to the party.

• Rude: if you're going to be selfish, you don't need to parade it around like it's a flag of honour. You find a decent, polite excuse. You don't leave it up to everyone's imagination exactly WHY you don't want to be there (is it that the food is always awful, is that you hate your DIL, is it that your granddaughter is less important than your grandson etc etc)?

Maybe if you aren't regular church goers he thinks it's hypocritical to have your child christened. As other pps have said maybe he went to your eldest's christening but felt uncomfortable.

I don't know and, from your posts, neither do you.

I get that it is hurtful but it sounds like your DH's relationship with him is not straightforward so I would accept what DH says about letting it go. Maybe he just doesn't want any more unpleasantness with his father over it.

So you would rather he lies to your face? Strange! I hate christenings, they are boring and I don't believe in god. Most of the christenings i get invited to are a pointless exercise because none of them are religious people who attend church on a regular basis. I just say no thank you, its not my thing.

Nah, I'm jealous of him, though he could have at least softened it somewhat- maybe saying you haven't done anything wrong and etc etc. He doesn't want to be there and he hasn't lied about it. Just get on with the day.

It's not socially acceptable in British culture (but is in some others). It should be. It's honest and I don't think it's inherently rude. Saying I don't want to go because it'll be crap is rude.

Well, expecting someone to do something they have no wish to, could also be considered rude.
Better to accept that others have different priorities & not to take it personally.

It would, however, have been rude to accept & then not turn up.

It is very rude, but surely there is a back story - issue with religion? Or he doesn't like other family members? Or something like social anxiety

What are you on about? He has made no statement about not wishing to attend for reasons of being an atheist.

Do people just not bother reading the OP's posts anymore?

But we need to unpack all this (not just OP but all the people who really want an explanation of why you don't want to go to their thng)

So my friend invites me to her DS christening. I don't want to go becuse i don't go to church, and frankly i don't like her DH and her other kids.

So i make a waffle-excuse "car in the garage", "have a thing on" and immediately she's "aunty Vi will collect you and drop you home" or "well, can you re-arrange that" or worse "christening is before/after or we'll move it". No. I don't want to go. I don't bellow it at her, curse shout or anything . I say "thank you for the invitation, i won't be attending". Why the heck should i tell her anything about why? What if i have secretly had an mc, or unsuccessful IVF? what if I'm pg but feeling really sick all the time? what if i am the devil's spawn and will spontaneously combust on crossing a church threshold? She has no need or right to know any of that unless i want to tell her. Which i probably wouldn't.

In OP's particular case: FIL doesn't sound much like a charmer. What does he bring to an event apart from his actual physical presence? is it because other people will be judgy about him not being there? Will MIL then have no one to talk to you and bend your ear all day? Why is it that his presence is so desired when he doesn't sound like someone you're overly fond of. Nor, indeed is your DH. Listen to your DH here - maybe he's afraid to rock the boat. Maybe he knows that FIL secretly can't stand to be within 50 feet of you and doesn't want this to come out. There are a whole range of reasons.

Accept that he has declined. And be miffed if you really must that he didn't invent an acceptable (to you) lie about it. And enjoy the event without him.

He might have come to your eldest's christening, but perhaps he found it more uncomfortable than he expected, and so wants to give this one a miss. Maybe MIL pushed him into it last time and he's decided to be more assertive this time.

You could try offering that if it's the service he's uncomfortable about, he'd be welcome to take himself off for a walk and join you afterwards (or even be at your house in charge of putting the oven on if you're doing hot food).

Yes, but this is you giving a reason. Saying christenings are not your thing. This guy - nothing.

I mean unless you actually attended church regularly I couldn’t even get the tiniest bit upset.

be much better if people felt they could just say no to events they don’t really want to attend without all this but familyyyy pressure stuff.