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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

318 replies

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 12:29

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mumda · 20/09/2022 13:04

Do you attend church regularly?
Does he?

Mamette · 20/09/2022 13:05

This will be great to have in the bank whenever you don’t want to do anything FIL related.

Look on the bright side.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:05

Sounds like he was shit dad. At least you know not to have any expectations that he's going to change at this stage in his life. Positive though that his son has not taken his father as his role model in parenting though.

Hug your husband and then forget FIL.

Cheeseandwines · 20/09/2022 13:05

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 13:01

Hmmm... I think my OH doesn't want or push it because it's too painful. FIL was a very disengaged dad. My OH is a really great hands on dad because he said that his own dad refused to play or interact much with OH when he was a child and he used to pine for his attention . He would just sit and spend hours and hours each day watching FIL play video games hoping that he might turn around and chat to him. FIL had bouts of depression so I'd always thought that was the reason that he'd been such a rubbish dad. I guess if had never occurred to me before that maybe he just didn't care.

He's been a fairly hands off grandfather too but I'd always worked on the assumption that underneath it all he cared about his family so have always tried to involve/engage him.

I come from a very loving family so it's alien to me.

Feel like I need to do and give my poor OH a big hug now.

This is irrelevant to your question but it's strange to appreciate that now someone of a grandparent's generation may spend their time playing computer games (rather than parenting). Makes you feel old.

chergar · 20/09/2022 13:05

I think this should be the way forward, having to make excuses for declining events is tiresome.

MrsDrudge · 20/09/2022 13:06

Maybe he doesn’t want to be there as he and his wife have had a falling out, and he doesn’t want to be there with her. They might not want to tell you this.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 20/09/2022 13:06

Good for FIL.

NCFT0922 · 20/09/2022 13:08

YABU. Would you prefer him to lie?

arethereanyleftatall · 20/09/2022 13:08

I love this.
I love that he's owned he doesn't want to come.
Loads of people don't want to go to stuff and it'd be great if it became perfectly acceptable to say, no thanks, don't want to.

I saw a tshirt the other day- thought it was fab 'sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come.'

florentina1 · 20/09/2022 13:10

I don’t think it is rude. I would dislike it more if he had told a lie about why he did not attend.

Two other thoughts, maybe it is compliment to you that he feels he can be honest. The other thought is that he wanted MiL to lie for him and she would not. My DH never got on with my parent, and I got fed up with making excuses. I did not go so far as telling the truth, that “he cannot stand you”. I did use the ,’he did not want to come’ though.

I agree with your DH, respect his decision but don’t let it colour how you view him. The old MN trope, ‘it is an invitation, not a summons’ Is apt.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 20/09/2022 13:11

It's always a bit jarring when someone bucks a social convention. At least he's been clear, though, albeit maybe a little blunt.

I also wonder if it's due to some objection to the religious element; I find christenings pretty uncomfortable from that perspective, personally, and have now decided that I won't attend any more for that reason.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/09/2022 13:11

Maybe he just doesn’t want to be around squalling babies and crying children.

A bit blunt, but yes, you are making it about you.

Sistanotcista · 20/09/2022 13:11

Yes, he's rude. But the good news is that you have the perfect out for gatherings at the in-laws house now. Christmas at the in-laws? No thanks - I don't want to be there. Sunday lunch at the in-laws? No thanks - I just don't feel like it. And, as soon as DH questions your response, act hurt, and say, "This is my decision, and I expect you all to respect it."

You are not unreasonable at all to feel hurt - but this is one of those occasions when revenge is definitely a dish best served cold, and it will serve you well in future years! FIL has inadvertently done you a massive favour :)

AlwaysMunching · 20/09/2022 13:13

I think it's rude and hurtful and I find it quite sad that people think it's great and refreshing that he's being so honest.

It's a horrible thing to make people feel like you don't give a shit about them, their children and a special moment in their lives.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 13:14

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2022 12:41

I quite like it but then I have responded to things in the past with “no thank you, I dont want to”

@Hoppinggreen

lol really? I’d find that rude tbh and a bit odd

Daisychainsx · 20/09/2022 13:15

A lot of people aren't interested in christenings (or baby showers, hen dos, birthday parties etc), especially if religion isn't their thing and they already went along for another of your children. Im sure its not a reflection on how he feels about your family. If he doesn't want to be there that's his choice, just bring him a slice of cake after and leave it at that!

Skolo · 20/09/2022 13:16

So long as he doesn’t whinge when he doesn’t get invited to anything, it is fine. I have a friend like this. Didn’t want to come when friend invited her to dinner and said so bluntly. Felt very rejected and upset when same friend didn’t bother inviting her to a Christmas lunch.

Brefugee · 20/09/2022 13:17

I think it's refreshingly honest of him rather than the usual palava of insincere and implausible excuses most people make.

It's an invitation, not a summons. Why on earth would you want him there if you know he doesn't want to be there. Don't be silly. Or do you want MIL to force him to come so your next AIBU can be that he had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp all day?

arethereanyleftatall · 20/09/2022 13:18

AlwaysMunching · 20/09/2022 13:13

I think it's rude and hurtful and I find it quite sad that people think it's great and refreshing that he's being so honest.

It's a horrible thing to make people feel like you don't give a shit about them, their children and a special moment in their lives.

No. No. They are not saying they don't give a shit about you. They are saying they don't want to go that event. Two entirely different things.
As a society, we embrace the extroverts, and the introverts have to suck it up. No.

Cheeseandwines · 20/09/2022 13:19

Please remember that "No." is a complete sentence.

cawfeee · 20/09/2022 13:19

Can't imagine the 'no thank you, I don't want to' have many friends, or get invited out much really.
It's not normal response to a perfectly reasonable invitation to something.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 20/09/2022 13:21

You never know what shit other people are going through. Maybe his shit is unbearable at the moment and he's past being polite. Your husband is correct. You are making it about you. Just accept he isn't coming but MIL is.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 13:22

Cheeseandwines · 20/09/2022 13:19

Please remember that "No." is a complete sentence.

@Cheeseandwines

no it’s not though. Not in real life

if you use it work for example you won’t get very far

it’s just not how the social world works

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 20/09/2022 13:22

I think it's rude and hurtful and I find it quite sad that people think it's great and refreshing that he's being so honest.

It’s catnip to certain people on MN. They claim they love this type of honesty.

There are also frequent threads with people bemoaning the fact that they have no friends. I wonder if there’s a connection.

AlwaysMunching · 20/09/2022 13:22

They are not saying they don't give a shit about you. They are saying they don't want to go that event

But that is the message. I don't particularly want to go to birthday parties, hen parties etc but I love the person involved and want to show they mean something to me.

Honestly I'd happily stay home most of the time but I show up, take a gift and act politely because I love the person, they are having a meaningful event, and I want to show I care.