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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

318 replies

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 12:29

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 20/09/2022 14:03

Well it sounds as if your FIL was a disinterested and selfish father and he is just repeating that behaviour as a grandfather. I wouldn't push it and would respect your DH's wishes on this and indeed just give him hug. It sounds as though not having your FIL at the christening and in your life is no loss at all.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 20/09/2022 14:03

DomesticBlisters · 20/09/2022 13:51

In a neurotypical world you lie to get out of things.

In a neurodiverse world you are honest about the reason.

Apparently the neurodiverse people are wrong even though we're told lying is wrong. 🙃

Perfectly put.

Sadly the NT’s won’t ever accept that the other option is equally as valid.

WibbleBibble · 20/09/2022 14:04

piegone · 20/09/2022 12:34

No I don't. As an adult who has spent years complying I have finally found my voice and if it don't want to do something I simply decline. It fine for someone not to want to, whatever the event.

This!! We have a massive problem with people not being able to say no and being taken advantage of then feeling resentful! We should be able to say no without needing a reason.
Im sorry youre upset by it, and perhaps he was a bit blunt, but he shouldnt have to lie to appease you about why he doesnt want to be there. A simple 'I wont make it' should suffice without prodding for a further explanation

ToFindNewWays · 20/09/2022 14:04

I think it’s deliberately provocative.

Its very immature of him. Not to not want to go, but to show no care for how his stark refusal is received.

”I won’t be attending but I wish you well for the event. Love to you all.”

He’s making a point. And he has form for being a shit father so this is more of the same really.

bloodyplanes · 20/09/2022 14:04

RaraRachael · 20/09/2022 13:47

We had a dedication service for our daughter because the church we go to doesn't do baby christenings. All of DH's family said they were coming then none of them turned up because "we weren't having a do afterwards". They had all had big fancy christenings for their kids although they did not or have since had, any connection with the church.

Then they had to cheek to question why we weren't gong to next child's christening 🙄

To be honest most people I know only turn up to these things because of " the do afterwards"! Its the same with weddings ( especially religious ones) very few people care less about the actual wedding ceremony.

MotivateMe · 20/09/2022 14:04

Your FIL is being completely unreasonable!! You have every right to feel hurt. This is his grandsons christening!! Hopefully you can find a way to stay on neutral terms with him and good terms with your MIL. X

bloodyplanes · 20/09/2022 14:05

piegone · 20/09/2022 13:59

@cawfeee

Can't imagine the 'no thank you, I don't want to' have many friends, or get invited out much really.

You are correct. I'm autistic, I don't surround myself with people, mainly because I don't understand this weird fucking 'lie to people' thing others do. If you don't want to do something you are allowed to say no without making up some pish story that both you and the other party know full well to be nonsense. I don't want invited out, like I said before I have spent years complying so it's greta to finally be free to say no thanks and if people stop inviting me to things because I don't want to go...well you know, that works for me.

It's not normal response to a perfectly reasonable invitation to something.

What do you mean by 'reasonable' invitation? It's an invitation regardless, a choice, an option.

👏👏👏👏

GreenManalishi · 20/09/2022 14:06

There are loads of reasons you might not have thought of, and he doesn't have to share them with you.

Don't waste any more time guessing, it's his business ultimately, but this does let you know where you stand in future so you can act accordingly. Don't let it drive a wedge between your and your DP this is an issue between you and FIL if you make it one, nobody else.

DomesticBlisters · 20/09/2022 14:10

The description of him as a father sound very much like he could be on the spectrum, coupled with the bluntness (honesty) I would cut him some slack and just accept him for who he is. He hasn't done anything wrong, just because it's not the way you would answer it doesn't make it wrong.

If you find it rude that's your issue.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 20/09/2022 14:10

namechangetheworld · 20/09/2022 13:52

He was needlessly rude. Of course it's absolutely fine for him not to attend, but he should have at least tried to be polite about it. Manners cost nothing, but instead he chose to make you and his son feel like shit. That says a lot about him as a person, as well as all of the Mumsnetters cheering him on. I would be remembering this sort of behaviour in the future, when he's elderly and inevitably starts asking for more help.

He’s not ‘chosen to make the OP feel like shit’.

He hasn’t told the OP how she should feel about anything. Her feelings are her own business.

He’s simply (and I’d argue politely) declined an invitation to attend a family event. That is all.

You on the other hand, sound exceedingly unpleasant. 🤔

PinkPencilCase · 20/09/2022 14:12

I agree with you that it is rude but equally he's within his rights to not go because he doesn't want to. The social nicety of a white lie or vague mention of 'other commitments' doesn't work for a grandchild's christening so he had to be honest once he'd decided not to go, didn't he?

I do also agree with your husband that you didn't need to ask all the follow up questions, your FIL was very clear and I think you just need to accept he's not coming and move on.

Dita73 · 20/09/2022 14:18

Take a big deep breath then as you exhale say “awkward old bastard” under your breath and don’t let it worry you anymore. He just sounds like a bit of a tosser. I hope you have a lovely christening and he hasn’t ruined it for you

OhmygodDont · 20/09/2022 14:19

I still want to no if the op is actually very religious or the christening is one of those for show things that 99% are where they never step foot in a church again apart from for weddings/funerals and christenings.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 20/09/2022 14:22

I dread being invited to christenings...weddings etc...really tedious and always ends up costing a fortune.

Sisisimone · 20/09/2022 14:22

LovinglifeAF · 20/09/2022 14:00

Very weird behaviour. What kind of grandparent doesn’t want to attend his grandchild’s christening

Exactly. So he can't be arsed attending his own grandchilds christening and has told you so. Takes a special kind of cunt to do that. But I suppose if he couldn't care less about his own child then he's not going to care about his grandchild. All of you would likely be better off without him in your lives at all.

Marvellousmadness · 20/09/2022 14:24

If fil doesnt wanna go
He doesn't wanna go
Let him
Your dh's response is the issue here.
He is siding with the man and is making you to be the baddy in the scenario...

LovePoppy · 20/09/2022 14:25

Electriq · 20/09/2022 12:57

How many times do we tell people on here you don't need an excuse to say no?

I would rather he not come if he wasn't going to enjoy it.

Celebrate with the people that want to be there and not worry about those who don't.

thats only for them though! others are supposed to do what they are told.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/09/2022 14:25

I admire his candour.

DillDanding · 20/09/2022 14:25

Yes, rather rude. But wouldn’t we all like to get out of boring events like christenings and weddings?

I think you need to just chalk it up to eccentricity/curmudgeonly behaviour.

Marvellousmadness · 20/09/2022 14:27

But let's be honest. Who likes to go to a christening? I for sure dont
All thay talk about god crap. I dont wanna have to listen to an hour of make believe and then having to fork out for a present

Thanks no thanks.

Freedomfighters · 20/09/2022 14:27

It's refreshingly honest. I wouldn't hold it against someone. It's up to them.

Womencanlift · 20/09/2022 14:28

Marvellousmadness · 20/09/2022 14:24

If fil doesnt wanna go
He doesn't wanna go
Let him
Your dh's response is the issue here.
He is siding with the man and is making you to be the baddy in the scenario...

There is no issue at all with her DH response

He is likely very hurt (going by the background OP provided in a later post) but had a stiff upper lip about it.

OP was in the wrong to keep going on about it knowing the history and, if she knew her DH well, she should have guessed that he was upset too and didn’t need the extra aggravation

RisingSunn · 20/09/2022 14:29

Yes he was rude. I had something similar happen. I didn’t make a big deal if it though, instead I now feel less pressure to turn up for anything that person invites me to.

SirenSays · 20/09/2022 14:31

He was very rude but I do long for the day when I don't have to come up with excuses to get out of things like this.

browneyes77 · 20/09/2022 14:34

I’m in the “he’s a rude Git” camp

I think there’s a big difference between telling someone “Sorry, I can’t make it” and “I don’t want to come”.

If I’ve been invited somewhere and don’t want to go, I don’t tell that person ‘I don’t want to come’. I’d just tell them I can’t make it. You’re not doing something you don’t want to, but equally you’re letting them down in a polite, non-hurtful manner.

To just tell someone “I don’t want to come”, is quite brutal and leaves it open for further interpretation, that could make them think you’re upset with them (as it has done for the OP). And if the person is someone you like, then why cause potential upset by being so crudely blunt?

You don’t have to lie to get out of attending something, but you don’t need to be blunt to the point of rude either. Honesty and politeness are not mutually exclusive.

In the OP’s case, it seems more like FIL not going isn’t so much the issue, but more the way he’s expressed he isn’t going. This is his Grandchild’s event. Not some friend asking him out for coffee. I would expect something a little bit more from a Grandparent, rather than just a “I don’t want to come”. That’s pretty hurtful. It sends the message “I’m not interested in being there for my grandchild”.

If, for example, him being an atheist is his issue (not saying it is), then a simple “Sorry, I struggle with the church thing. I did last time, so I just can’t attend again” would be fine. It’s brutally honest and yet polite and gives the OP no reason to think she’s caused an issue.

It sounds like he’s not someone who puts himself out much for his family, given what OP said about her DH’s childhood and him being a hands off GP.