To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

It absolutely is rude & he's shown you that this is the way forward.

Take it with gratitude - all feeling guilty or 'having ' to do things for or with the in laws off the table for ever after.

If your dh ever asks you to do anything for or with his parents & you don't want to them the answer is
No. I don't want to.

Bliss & refreshing in many ways.

He's handed you the key to don't give a fuck land. Take it & run with it x

If he never bothered to stay in touch with his relatives at all, or only ever contacted them when he wanted something, then this would be a fair point. But attending or not attending a celebration is INFINITELY less meaningful than being there for someone when they are vulnerable. I am not talking about groups for whom christenings are highly meaningful for religious reasons

Have you actually read what the op has written about this man, in your zest to defend his right to turn down an invite to a christening ?

If your husband ever asks you to do anything with his parents the answer is, No, I don’t want to. Well that applies to his Dad but his Mum hasn’t done anything.

I don’t see the problem. I’ve used it, and had it used on me. I think it’s more polite to be straight, than come up with an excuse that we all know is an excuse. I’m not British though, his way is culturally normal to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

None of us have the automatic right to relationships though. Even if we're old and vulnerable. Relationships have to be invested in. And I do object to the idea that people should feel obliged to do "duty" visits for the old and vulnerable because that's a form of practical and emotional labour and emotional labour, as we know, tends to fall mostly on women.

Fine if he doesn't want to go, but yes most people will give an excuse. I'd forget about it if I were you, it's not a big deal.

I'm with your dh.

It is likely the religion thing.

Blunt as it may be- he's being open and honest. I find relationships with ppl like that easier.

I was not replying to the OP- who sounds annoyed at the rudeness, but not viciously punitive- but to some of the other posts of the thread.

I don't have 'zest' here, but I speak as someone who has some physical health problems and disabilities that make travel far more problematic for me than for most people, and yes, I have sometimes had to miss 'significant events' because of this and I am incredibly grateful to my family and close friends who have accepted this, and not judged the whole relationship on the basis of my attendance at events. By contrast, on a few occasions friends (never family) have been upset with me and accused me of not prioritizing them, and these occasions have been among the most agonizingly painful of my life.

I don't think I have ever actually been rude in turning down such invitations; but I have friends whose problems have been with mental health rather than physical health, and occasionally they have been a bit rude (to me) in declining an invitation; and I might be hurt at the moment but would still accept it and not hold it against them.

The FIL may have no such reason, but may just dislike christenings in particular, or big social gatherings in general. I have nothing against big social gatherings; I really enjoy them if they're in an accessible location; in fact, I'm just back from one right now! But I do think that a relationship that is mainly dependent on attendance at big social gatherings isn't much of a relationship, whether the people involved bother to attend them.

It's a bit rude I guess, but I like the honesty. I much prefer people to tell me the truth, bluntly, than having to second guess what people actually mean.

Good for him, more people should be honest about why they aren't attending things. You would only complain that his excuse wasnt good enough if he made one up.

Don't take it personally, christenings are rarely how anybody wants to spend their weekend..especially as you mention he'd atheist.

No voting!

YABU not to accept his no for what it is.

YABVU for pulling apart the meaning of the “no” and psycho-analysing a man to the point of creating a conclusion in which he doesn’t care about his son, I feel sorry for your partner because of your behaviour.

YABU.

For those on the thread saying it’s refreshing, talking about being introverts and wishing they could do this etc…

A few years ago I read a book called “The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck”. It aims to free the reader from constantly putting other peoples needs first and instead prioritising doing whatever actually makes you happy without shame and guilt. Changed my life!

Christenings are so boring, him declining is fine it's not a slight on you or your child he just doesn't want to sit through a dull religious ceremony.

still interested to know how this "no" was conveyed.

That is a rather separate issue, really for another thread, and I think depends hugely on the particular situation. If you are referring to situations where an adult son of elderly parents leaves all their care to his wife, I would agree that this is most unfair.

What I was objecting to was the idea that an elderly person deserves to be neglected as a punishment for not attending 'significant events' when they were younger. If their non-attendance is just one part of having no genuine relationship with their relatives, then there may indeed be little point in purely 'duty visits'. What upset me was what I perceived (not from the OP, but from other posts) as 'You slighted me by not attending my special party! Now I can finally get my revenge on you by neglecting you when you are more vulnerable than me! Ha ha HAAAAH!!!' Or at least as 'If you don't come to my special parties, nothing else in the relationship matters, and I will cut you off!' As I've said elsewhere, I am probably oversensitive on the subject, due to having some disabilities that can interfere with my travelling to events and being extremely afraid of being blamed for this, so I may be misinterpreting some posts in that light.

I imagine he sat through all the bollocks at the first one and thought fuck that I am doing that again.

*This is not news to my OH. I think he has been trying to explain this to me for many years. I listened but I didn’t really get it before. I’m probably guilty of projecting my own family’s values onto his (dysfunctional) family.(

@mumofbe Please going forward listen to your OH and respect his wishes for his family. You see it very often on here when people, for the nicest reasons, completely ignore their partners and try and create a relationship that the partner knows just isn't going to happen.

I agree youmaybe are being a bit oversensitive due to your situation but others have situations too. When you encounter someone who only wants to do things that pleases themselves over and over again - you get the message - it is all about them - which is fine but you don't have to make it all about them too - you can prioritise you and your immediate family. You can say no to the elderly care home visits which are likely not to be appreciated anyway. We don't know what the op's relationship is like with her fil - it's possible he's absolutely charming the rest of the time and does all he can to engage in family events, calling the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, enquiring about their first day at school etc but I'm guessing not - if it was my relative in-law I'd wait to find out - but maybe that's me being over sensitive as both my parents and dh's parents could not be arsed with even a bloody phone call on the kid's birthdays, I doubt they even know what they are studying at uni - being atheist they were never required to attend a Christening - I'm sure they'd have managed that one for the neighbours but nothing else - priorities!