to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

[SadSuzie]

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

Discuss custody and child support. Do it via mediation. If he wants to see his kids then he wi have to change his living arrangements and job hours - just as you’re life will change drastically.

It still sounds as though you want his life to change massively and yours to stay pretty much the same. So he would have to leave the house and find new accommodation, continue to work a demanding job, have less time with the children, etc. while you stay in the house and continue to work part-time on the pretext that you have to do the school runs.

It sounds to me as though you will both need to move and make other changes. You will need to find a full-time job and a flat or house that you can afford. Your (ex) husband will also need to find alternative housing and possibly change jobs or adjust his work schedule. It may mean that your children will need to move to a new school with a provision for before and after school care.

None of this will be easy. But it seems inevitable that all of you will have to make changes as you adjust to a new reality.

@SadSuzie I did all the school runs for donkeys years because my DH was on a train to work at 7 a.m. then I went to work myself. I worked full time, in local government, and had kids with disabilities. Was it tough? Yes, it was, but I buckled down and did it because I had to. Life is like that, we make compromises and get on with things. My year so far has been rubbish, but I'm plodding on. Yours has to change, rather than moan about it, start planning, take control and get through it.

If they are 6 and 9 they can go to after school and bf club, you'll prob get sig amount of uc to pay for this and likely support for holiday clubs too. Your dh will also have to give up annual leave for his share of childcare too. Is that not how mostnl single parents manage?

I was the straight partner in this situation (I posted details of a support group for your husband near the start of the thread).

Our DC were 6.5 and 9 when ex came out to me, 7 and 10 when we separated and 9 and 12 when ex finally moved out. Ignoring the sexuality element for a moment, I was also terrified that I wouldn't be able to survive financially. I did. You jut have to. I managed to get a new job, went full time, arranged childcare. It's not been easy but better than staying together in misery.

The two years we were separated but still living under one roof were horrific from my perspective. It was torture for me. He could have gone sooner, but I had to do all the work of sorting the divorce and getting him to leave. I thought at the beginning of it all that we would be able to stay friends. After all, he didn't choose to be gay and I loved him. But the not leaving was so cruel. It destroyed our relationship and I can just about be civil for the DC but I lost all respect and affection for him. However, I can see how that would be the case in similar circumstances, whatever the reason for the separation.

Back to the sexual orientation factor. Your husband probably still loves you. He's probably still attracted to you. You do not feel the same way about him. It's going to take him longer to get over this. One of the big differences (compared to a straight couple) with a separation where one person realises they are actually gay is that the straight person not only loses the future they had imagined, but also loses their shared history. They question what, if anything, was real about their relationship. Did they ever know their partner? They realise that the gay partner never felt the same way about the straight partner. They simply can't have if they were never into wo/men in the first place. They also feel a lot of confusion about their own attractiveness - can I only attract a gay wo/man? Would a straight wo/man like me? What does that say about me? They feel stupid. How stupid must I be to have married someone and not have realised they're gay? They nearly always experience some form of depression. Insomnia is very common. They feel deeply betrayed. Your husband is very probably going through all this, and that won't be helping his decision making.

If you really want to change your situation, then get yourselves into counselling or get mediation. Talk about how it's going to work, whether you stay together or not. But in my experience, based on the stories of lots of straight partners, staying 'together' is likely to lead to lots of resentment on both sides. Sooner or later, you will probably meet someone and that changes everything.

You know how people on here talk about 'the script' used by cheating men? It's the same in this situation. It generally plays out in much the same way, with some variation. And it nearly always starts with 'we still care about each other very much, want to stay friends and we co-parent brilliantly, so we want to try staying together'. Sadly, it almost always ends in tears.

I appreciate that this is very difficult for you. But it is exceptionally cruel to want to keep your husband in a 'relationship' that has no chance of ever being mutually satisfying because you are scared of change. It's not fair on you either, but I'm biased towards the straight partner because that was me and it is shit.

@SadSuzie You should definitely read the comment by @ForgottenWhyImHere above to understand how your husband will be feeling, it's a really informative comment showing how this feels from the other side.

You still don't seem to get that you will have to be proactive and make some decisions here. It sounds like you are expecting your husband to hold your hand through this and somehow magically make everything ok but he can't and won't do that any more and you can't expect him to, you will have to stand on your own two feet and have some uncomfortable discussions about how this will work and how you will make this work.

You seem to have laid your cards on the table about your feelings but then have had absolutely no idea about what you will do practically and are instead just letting everything continue as it has. So it's no wonder your husband is confused and wondering and probably hoping against hope that you aren't serious. If you are serious and sure then you need to put your big girl pants on and state that plainly.

He will have to compromise too of course on things like childcare and working hours but you can't expect him to help you more than he has to any more, he just won't be in a position to do that or to want to do that for you.

If he moves out then you probably won't be able to afford where you live now and will likely have to find somewhere cheaper that will accept UC. It will be very difficult as it's always more expensive to run two households rather than one. You should look into what you will be entitled to and plan on receiving that and only that.

@ForgottenWhyImHere That sounds horrible, good on you for making it through and getting on with your life.

Your ex sounds like a selfish twat, tbh, it’s unbelievable that he made you sort out the divorce when he was the one who wanted to separate.

Unfortunately you’ll get a lot of comments on here that aren’t helpful due to your sexuality.
You’ve got a lot to sort out, but I know SO many older lesbians who had kids with men before they came out.you are not alone.

you should call your local LBGTQ+ Switchboard/ helpline/support line to have a chat with a sympathetic ear. This isn’t your fault.

Talking to someone who can empathise with will get your head straight.

Honestly - and I know I'm going to be written off as a MN cliche here - he sounds abusive to me.

Because he is basically refusing to let you be gay. And you are in a position where you are giving his thoughts priority over yours. Which is worth looking at: why do you believe his words carry more weight than your own, what got you to that point? This is especially important to look at given you are having sex that you do not want (whats happening there, are you being coerced or emotionally blackmailed?)

FWIW I left mine, it is entirely doable and definitely worth it.

I have no idea why that is italicised 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Cameleongirl Thanks. When I read threads like these, I always hope the couple in question can work through the situation civilly. My ex turned into a parody of the worst parts of his character, but maybe that was who he was all along. A few people told me afterwards that they hadn't actually liked him that much, but thought if I was happy with him then that was all that mattered.

And @SadSuzie i think @hamsterchump makes a very good point. When my ex was sending mixed messages (I'm into men and need to explore that, but I don't want to break up the family) I kept hoping against hope that he was 'just' depressed or having a breakdown or even that he had a brain tumour and needed medical intervention and he would eventually decide to stay or be cured or whatever. It was only when he became thoroughly nasty that I stopped hoping we would be reconciled, but he'd already ended the marriage by then. I know a lot of straight partners who have clung on long past the point I let go because they don't want to lose the life they've been happy with. Your husband is probably the same.

I didn't realise how dysfunctional my relationship was until I met someone else (straight!) and experienced what it's like to be with someone who genuinely finds me attractive. I imagine my ex has had a similar epiphany with his boyfriend but the other way around - realising what it's like to be with someone he's actually attracted to. You and your husband would most likely both be much happier living your own authentic lives. (Not a fan of the word 'authentic' but probably the best one in context).

OP , you’re going to meet a woman who you adore, and all this pain now will be worth it.

After 20years of marriage perhaps the husband is entitled to feel confused, upset and in denial. In addition he is being taken for a fool in that his wife wants her life to continue as it is to some unspecified point in the future. That is really promoting cordiality between them. It has nothing to do with homophobia, just basic manners are required between them.

Oh my god don't infantilise OP any more than she is doing herself, that's the last thing she needs! She needs to do some thinking and make some hard decisions for herself.

Her husband not being pleased at her revelation and not going out of his way to make things as easy as possible for her and make everything ok is not abuse.

He probably still loves her and wants to turn the clock back and stay together and hopes she's not serious as it will be so devastating for him so of course he's trying to maintain the status quo, what else would you expect?

Reading your posts on this thread it seems like you are in a bit of a mess in your own head. You love him, but do not want to particularly be with him, but do not want to leave because of the children and financially issues, but also feel guilty for staying. I feel for you both if I’m honest. I think I’d be the exact same as your husband if my husband told me he realised overtime he was gay. If I had no idea, I’d be so confused and worried this was just a phase. I’d be in total denial before I believed it. It must be a big shock and natural to feel like your relationship has been a lie etc.

I don’t want to be “that” person but could you do some couples counselling? If you still love him and are attracted to him and want things to work then I see no harm. I hate labels but perhaps you are bi rather than gay if you felt this way. If you have realised actually you are gay, have no attraction for your husband then I think it would be best to leave the relationship

As other poster have said, you only get one life but so does your husband. You deserve to be happy, and so does he.

I am attracted to him in a holding hands or a hug type way but intimacy in any way more than that I’ve always found quite difficult
I am a mess and feel very confused
Thank you to all who have replied, there’s a lot to think about.

So are you still holding hands when walking about and having intimate hugs? No wonder he's confused!

Whilst I’ve been “ trying “ yes
He was aware of everything before this and during

It does sound so bloody selfish to miss him so much my heart hurts but not be able to offer him a close and intimate relationship I want with a woman

You sound a bit overly helpless OP. You are a relatively young, able women you can get your shit together just like countless other single Mums.
Get 50/50 custody. It doesn’t matter if he wants you to do the childcare, you’re no longer a team, that’s what happens when you brake up.
Get a job and start building your own life and more importantly self esteem. This relationship is not healthy for anyone.

It's inevitable to miss the support he used to give you. As other posters have said, though, you need to think about how this is going to work going forward.

If you can keep things amicable, that will be great, but from now on, he won't be "on your side" anymore in the way a partner is. You need to be realistic about that. It's very hard, OP.

Why should he leave? You are the one breaking things up not him, I can't believe you even expected him to leave

It sounds like you are staying with him for money, not for the children. You can't afford to live somewhere else so instead of getting a better paid job and letting the poor man get on with his life you are hanging on 'for the kids'

The fact that you think you wont be able to earn more for several years show you have no inclination to try to resolve this issue yourself, you just expect him to keep funding you.

im not staying for money - we aren’t well off so not many luxuries you may be imagining im benefitting from.

I just want my children to have a happy childhood.

Yea you are being very unreasonable tbh