Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

187 replies

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:38

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

OP posts:
YelloCar · 19/09/2022 16:39

You only get one life OP. And so does your husband.

juice92 · 19/09/2022 17:00

In my mind you should leave him. He probably is in disbelief as after 20 years and kids together he probably can't get his head around this. I'm saying this as a bisexual woman. What you are doing by staying isn't fair on him, you are robbing him of the chance to possibly find love again.

Hankunamatata · 19/09/2022 17:09

You need to leave. Find a childminder and a full time job. Your being deeply unfair on your dh. I'd also examine feelings clearly and have some counselling

Porcupineintherough · 19/09/2022 17:13

I don't think you can, not if he doesn't believe you are gay and thinks this is a phase that will pass. Whilst he believes that he's still going to have a full and intimate marriage with you. No way should you force yourself to be intimate against your will, you both deservehappinessand this isn't it. Work towards leaving, it's going to end badly if you don't.

Mfsf · 19/09/2022 17:15

My partners ex wife left him for a woman . Normally when I start a conversation this way people think I think she was awful or mean or unfair and that my partner has some grudge against her , but he doesn’t . if I’m honest I think she did 100% the right think and anything else is being a coward . Not only you are staying in a loveless marriage you are making him stay in one and preventing him from having a life with someone else .
I won’t lie it was hard on my now partner , on multiple levels , specially not seeing the children daily without having any choice or guilt in it . But 7 years on they have a good relationship and the children all adapted well .
you know the right thing to do , do it !

gogohmm · 19/09/2022 17:16

You are being very unfair to him, you need to increase your earning and move to where childcare is possible. I don't blame him for thinking midlife crisis after 30 years of marriage I think I'd be rather confused too. It's like a double betrayal because the whole marriage was a lie now

Summerslam · 19/09/2022 17:16

You are being unbelievably selfish! You're staying for you, not for your children.

Move out, employ a childminder, set your husband free to find a woman who cherishes him and sees as more than a bank balance.

NoYouSirName · 19/09/2022 17:17

I left. My children are fine. Can you claim benefits to top up your income, op? That’s what I did. I don’t think staying is good for anyone, least of all children.

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 17:27

Not only you are staying in a loveless marriage you are making him stay in one and preventing him from having a life with someone else.

This ^^ You're being unfair to both yourself and your DH. If you really can't leave yet for financial reasons, you could officially end the relationship and houseshare until you can move out? At least that would give your DH (and you) a chance to move on with your lives and possibly meet new partners.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/09/2022 17:31

I don't think staying is a good idea. But I do think rather than resolve yourself to being 'stuck' you need to start to proactively look at how you can both separate and co-parent. Look at your job prospects, moving if need be, just something than a life like this. It's not fair on either of you but particularly him - you dropped a bombshell on him and can't expect him to say "Oh, ok darling."

Original poster
SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 17:42

I can’t rent on my own as I don’t earn enough and won’t for many years
surely the fall out would be easier to deal with as young adults than primary aged children though?
he knows I’m gay but is happy to pretend I’m not or draw it up to a mid life crisis to carry on as normal - there are no lies involved in this

OP posts:
Brideandpredjudice · 19/09/2022 17:49

OP I thought you were staying with him for your lifestyle (money) last time?

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 17:50

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 17:42

I can’t rent on my own as I don’t earn enough and won’t for many years
surely the fall out would be easier to deal with as young adults than primary aged children though?
he knows I’m gay but is happy to pretend I’m not or draw it up to a mid life crisis to carry on as normal - there are no lies involved in this

I don't think your adult children will thank you for revealing to them that your family life was a sham for years, though. It's modeling deceit and pretense in relationships, rather than honesty and mutual respect.

Whatever you decide, don't continue to have a physical relationship with your husband if he's pretending to himself that everything's OK. It'll just make it worse. Do you have a spare room to move into?

loislovesstewie · 19/09/2022 17:53

Has it occurred to you that your husband might get so cheesed off with the situation that he decides to end the relationship? What would you do then? I mean, surely he will eventually realize that you just don't want him?

butterfliedtwo · 19/09/2022 17:56

YABU in the extreme.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2022 18:01

Don’t pretend you’re staying for the kids, that’s really gutless. And the most minimal bit of research will show you if you’re going to divorce the younger and more adaptable the children are the better for them. The people I know who we’re really fucked up by parents splitting were old teens or young adults who then know the lives were a lie and their parents lived miserable lives supposedly for them.

If he leaves you you’ll have to support yourself financially by earning more or claiming benefits. Proceed as those that’s the situation you're dealing with.

Madmax1992 · 19/09/2022 18:12

Hopefully he sees sense and kicks you out, this isn't about your children it's about you being a user. Do the poor man a favour and leave him be

MissConductUS · 19/09/2022 18:15

This came out months ago and he refused to leave

Assuming you own the house jointly, why would you expect him just to pack up and leave?

Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2022 18:21

This came out months ago and he refused to leave

Why should he leave?!

BoopBoopBoDiddley · 19/09/2022 18:22

Why should he leave though? Why don't you leave?

Porcupineintherough · 19/09/2022 18:24

Presumably the OP was hoping he'd leave as the relationship is over and she is going to continue to provide primary care for the children.

Ponderingwindow · 19/09/2022 18:27

Happy marriages can be based on many things. The key is that you both understand the basis of your marriage and that you are committed to the partnership indefinitely.

You have changed the basis of your marriage and you aren’t willing to commit to staying. You need to be honest with yourself and your husband about that. you can both re-commit to your marriage given this new information or you can separate.

That you might struggle financially is just something you are going to have to deal with. The two of you may need to relocate to an area where the schools have wraparound care available so that you can expand your working hours. Alternatively you could use a nanny or a childminder if staying local is essential. Paying for full-time, year round child care will need to be a key part of the financial discussions during a separation.

GreenManalishi · 19/09/2022 18:30

You either can afford to leave and live seperately, or you genuinely can't physically leave, in which case you don't have a question to answer, until you can afford to.

The fact that you're gay doesn't really make any difference, I don't think?

MolliciousIntent · 19/09/2022 18:34

The earlier in their lives your kids find all this out, the easier it will be for them to accept it as normal.

TirisfalPumpkin · 19/09/2022 18:36

I have never met an adult child who was glad their parents stayed together for them - and they always know.