to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

[SadSuzie]

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

[OhmygodDont]

Your being selfish not to end the relationship purely because he won’t leave the house hi again op. You know you don’t love him you just want the security of the house he affords.

he hopes you being gay is a phase leave and let the poor man find someone who actually loves him.

and no primary children will cope much better than teens.

[HowcanIhelp123]

Don't stay for the kids. I know too many who either knew and spent their childhood waiting for it to happen, or found out later and were left feeling distraught that their 'happy' childhood was all a lie. Do not put it on the children or expect them to react well when you do go. They never asked you to stay.

[butterfliedtwo]

This isn't about the children. It's about maintaining the lifestyle you have currently. I don't blame him for not leaving. You want out of the marriage, you leave.

[MichelleScarn]

@SadSuzie

I can’t rent on my own as I don’t earn enough and won’t for many years
surely the fall out would be easier to deal with as young adults than primary aged children though?
he knows I’m gay but is happy to pretend I’m not or draw it up to a mid life crisis to carry on as normal - there are no lies involved in this

How old are the kids, why can't you earn for many years?

[MichelleScarn]

And like pp also am sure remember this story, but variations of the theme.

[buttons123456]

You can get housing benefit to pay for rent form the council .

[Ostryga]

You can leave, you can earn more, you can find childcare to fit around work - just sounds like you don’t want to.

Your husband shouldn’t be the one to leave - he hasn’t broken the marriage. It’s not fair on either of you to be stuck in this relationship. Your children will be fine and staying for them is a myth. You’re staying because you think it’s too hard to leave.

[Kellie45]

You gotta realise that love is a choice. It is putting other people first. If you love someone - ie husband and kids - you put them above your own sexual desires.

[hewouldwouldnthe]

Telll your husband you will leave when the children are older or you can manage financially better alone. he has the right to know if he hangs around waiting for you he will lose the opportunity to meet someone himself.

[giveovernate]

@Porcupineintherough

Presumably the OP was hoping he'd leave as the relationship is over and she is going to continue to provide primary care for the children.

Well she needs to realise that's not going to happen!

[SadSuzie]

It’s the destruction caused to the children that’s stopping me leaving
I can’t just walk out without them - I wouldn’t but I also have to add I do 90% of the childcare and also everything else, bedtimes etc even when he is here.
They rely on me far more in many ways but idolise their dad.
I just don’t want to upset them - I don’t expect him to leave, we both rent this house, I’m just pointing out that whilst he could afford to leave, I can’t.

[MichelleScarn]

How old are they?

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

@SadSuzie

I can’t rent on my own as I don’t earn enough and won’t for many years
surely the fall out would be easier to deal with as young adults than primary aged children though?
he knows I’m gay but is happy to pretend I’m not or draw it up to a mid life crisis to carry on as normal - there are no lies involved in this

It’s very easy to believe that the fallout will be easier to deal with when children are older, but that’s not the reality.

When are you planning on doing it? When one of them is doing their GCSEs, or their A levels, or when they leave home for university or come back after graduation, or when they get their first full times jobs? What makes you think any of those times will be easier on them to deal with the break up of their family? Do you really think your children will just accept that you have been lying to them and their father for most of their lives and move on happily with no damage to your relationship with them? Or maybe you’re waiting until they have marriages and families of their own, by which time you will be leaving your husband, making him significantly worse off financially and with no time to build anything back up or find a fulfilling relationship?

If you have made the choice that you won’t be with your husband for life, then the only decent thing to do is to leave him now. If that means you have to work to pay your own rent along with CM and UC if you need it, then that’s what you’ll have to do.

[IrisVersicolor]

I mean if you get along ok snd can both deal with being celibate until the kids leave - but how likely is that?

[giveovernate]

@SadSuzie

It’s the destruction caused to the children that’s stopping me leaving
I can’t just walk out without them - I wouldn’t but I also have to add I do 90% of the childcare and also everything else, bedtimes etc even when he is here.
They rely on me far more in many ways but idolise their dad.
I just don’t want to upset them - I don’t expect him to leave, we both rent this house, I’m just pointing out that whilst he could afford to leave, I can’t.

Well then get yourself into a financial position that you can! It's you that's turning their lives upside down not him.

[loislovesstewie]

I did ask what you would do if he got cheesed off and decided to end the relationship. You really can't believe that he is going to be happy having the sort of relationship that you envisage, can you? I mean at some point you are saying that you will leave and you expect him to just stick around knowing that?

[OhmygodDont]

What happens when in six months or a year his fed up of a sexless marriage with a lesbian women and gets a gf he moves into his bed? How will you cope then? When his moved in a stepmom and you still have nowhere to go?

its all good and well thinking about how will you cope but you’ve got no idea what his really thinking or planning.

[SadSuzie]

It sounds awful but because he’s just not a go getter - he’s a safe, plodding alone type, I can imagine him sticking around like this for quite a long time so that he gets to see the kids every day.
He doesn’t do a whole lot with them but he does completely dote on them as they do him.
They are only 6 and 9 hence me saying it’s going to be a long time until I can get a job without childcare being a massive issue.
I love him and there’s nobody else; I just know I’m gay and I don’t know how I bloody missed it.

[loislovesstewie]

God. That is even worse, poor sod.

[Iwonder08]

If you knew you don't want to leave for the financial reasons why did you tell him at all of you are planning to stay anyway?

[MichelleScarn]

@OhmygodDont

What happens when in six months or a year his fed up of a sexless marriage with a lesbian women and gets a gf he moves into his bed? How will you cope then? When his moved in a stepmom and you still have nowhere to go?

its all good and well thinking about how will you cope but you’ve got no idea what his really thinking or planning.

Then op prob gets to play the victim and have everyone feel sorry for her?

[BattenburgDonkey]

Why shouldn’t he stick around though? I can’t see why he should leave, when it’s you who wants to end things. Seems it would
make sense for you to move so you can find better work really.

[MichelleScarn]

@SadSuzie

It sounds awful but because he’s just not a go getter - he’s a safe, plodding alone type, I can imagine him sticking around like this for quite a long time so that he gets to see the kids every day.
He doesn’t do a whole lot with them but he does completely dote on them as they do him.
They are only 6 and 9 hence me saying it’s going to be a long time until I can get a job without childcare being a massive issue.
I love him and there’s nobody else; I just know I’m gay and I don’t know how I bloody missed it.

Thats so mean! 'Plodding along' and how hypocritical I can imagine him sticking around like this for quite a long time so that he gets to see the kids every day. is this not EXACTLY what your plan is?!

[SadSuzie]

I mean in the sense he’s not massively in love with me from what I can see, he’s more upset about not seeing the kids every day - he’s not emotional enough to move out or want me to move out because that would mean he would have to also alter his work schedule for it to be fair for childcare etc.
I think he’s happy to just ignore the issue as long as nothing really changes, that’s what I meant.
I can’t move as I don’t earn enough to get a rental property, even a 1 bed I couldn’t secure when I tried to do the whole “ nesting “ idea

[NameChangeLifeChange]

I’m sorry OP but you need a life overhaul here- it’s not fair on anyone.
Youre renting- move from the ridiculous rural area with no wraparound care to an area which does provide these. You will then be able to work normal hours.
If you want to leave you need to do it- men amazingly can be flexible when they have to be compared to when a woman is running around doing the grunt work.
Your current situation isn’t working. No wraparound care is not a barrier.