Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

187 replies

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:38

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 19/09/2022 20:03

I think you should talk to a solicitor about what's possible. And also investigate benefits etc. You may be able to work this out. If you're not living together, your husband will have to pay towards the kids, so there's that. Plus he will take on 50% of childcare, so there's also that. You might need to spend some time working it out, but I'm sure it's possible. Sounds bloody miserable staying together 'for the kids'. Honestly, my dad (gay) stayed with my mum and it was a very sad and stressful environment for us as children, even though we had no idea what was going on between our parents.

MichelleScarn · 19/09/2022 20:10

beastlyslumber · 19/09/2022 20:03

I think you should talk to a solicitor about what's possible. And also investigate benefits etc. You may be able to work this out. If you're not living together, your husband will have to pay towards the kids, so there's that. Plus he will take on 50% of childcare, so there's also that. You might need to spend some time working it out, but I'm sure it's possible. Sounds bloody miserable staying together 'for the kids'. Honestly, my dad (gay) stayed with my mum and it was a very sad and stressful environment for us as children, even though we had no idea what was going on between our parents.

Is that right? If the h takes on 50% care I don't think he would have to pay maintenance?
@SadSuzie look at entitled to . Com to estimate what you'd be entitled to.

giveovernate · 19/09/2022 20:16

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 19:52

I mean in the sense he’s not massively in love with me from what I can see, he’s more upset about not seeing the kids every day - he’s not emotional enough to move out or want me to move out because that would mean he would have to also alter his work schedule for it to be fair for childcare etc.
I think he’s happy to just ignore the issue as long as nothing really changes, that’s what I meant.
I can’t move as I don’t earn enough to get a rental property, even a 1 bed I couldn’t secure when I tried to do the whole “ nesting “ idea

Retrain get a better job?

OhmygodDont · 19/09/2022 20:23

Oh not the other posters but also looked into a one bed but cannot afford. Funny that.

You taking him for a mug. Move out. Even into a council hostel to be rehoused. Just leave the poor door mat of a man you care nothing for.

loislovesstewie · 19/09/2022 20:29

I really have deja vu with this. Or is there a sudden explosion of women who have suddenly realised that they are gay but can't afford to leave their nice home and/or partner?

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 19/09/2022 20:29

If you’re married and you divorce, surely you’d actually have more money than you do now. It sounds as if you’re thinking that your job income is yours and his is solely his, but that isn’t the case at all in marriage. It’s all joint income, and you’re both supporting the family in different ways, him with more money, you with more of your time for childcare. You would as the lower earner get a financial settlement.

Quietly see a divorce lawyer and find out what the financial position would be if you end this. Then decide what to do.

It sounds like the kids will be affected whether you go or stay.

Be very very sure though. Do you want to have sex with women, or do you just not want to be with your husband that way anymore? Most women have intense female friendships at some point…

butterfliedtwo · 19/09/2022 20:49

MichelleScarn · 19/09/2022 19:47

Thats so mean! 'Plodding along' and how hypocritical I can imagine him sticking around like this for quite a long time so that he gets to see the kids every day. is this not EXACTLY what your plan is?!

Show quote history

This is awful, you're right, OP. Someone needs to have this man's back and tell him to look out for himself because that's clearly what you're doing.

CakeMonster1 · 19/09/2022 21:01

Poor bloke, he's just found out his entire marriage is not what he thought it was due to his wife living a lie.

Move out and let him heal. His heads probably f*cked. You need to give him space

CakeMonster1 · 19/09/2022 21:08

The more I re-read Ur replies the more annoyed I'm getting at you blaming him.
He's done nothing wrong, you however don't want to hurt the kids, can't work more, don't have this don't have that....excuses and a load of tosh.

You're destroying your own family and the longer you leave it the harder it is for everyone. Grow a backbone and start afresh. Get your name in emergency housing and seek help with finances. Don't use the kids as an excuse for not leaving, you're stringing everyone along.

Rosemist1988 · 19/09/2022 21:12

You won’t get much sympathy because people ‘lucky’ enough to be straight and not ever have this dilemma won’t get it.
See the comment about putting your husband’s and children’s needs above sex - as if it’s just about sex. And even if it were suggesting you have sex you don’t want (and will probably want less and less) to be some sort of martyr is horrifying.

Compulsory heterosexuality is a thing and people who are straight won’t get it.
I feel for your husband, but I feel for you equally. You aren’t choosing this, this is who you are.
I couldn’t ignore it once I knew - you might be able to - but I’ve encouraged many women on this path and most find then can’t put it away once they’ve realised.
I suggest therapy if you can afford it and possibly couples therapy. Ultimately it is more helpful to see it as something that is happening to you both rather than something that you are doing (see comments above again about you being the one choosing the break up the family).
Yes it’s shit for everyone but seriously, the total lack of empathy around this astounds me.

Rosemist1988 · 19/09/2022 21:14

encountered not encouraged! 🤣

Original poster
SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 21:19

He’s done nothing wrong no but he’s not emotionally available - I don’t know if this made me more open to the idea of being with women or not but I’ve found it very hard to be the only emotional one in this relationship for so long.
maybe ive just always been gay anyway and just not known - I have no idea.

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 19/09/2022 21:22

What difference would it make if he was emotionally available if you are gay? You being gay is nothing to do with how he’s behaved through your marriage.

wb3 · 19/09/2022 21:24

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:43

He does know I’m gay
This came out months ago and he refused to leave, he knew I couldn’t so we just bumbled along really
Im finding it very hard - he switches between being really cross about me “ changing my mind “ 20 years into marriage and saying it’s all a mid life crisis and will pass

What do you mean "he refused to leave"?

Surely the onus is on you to leave? You're the one who no longer wants the marriage.

Devo1818 · 19/09/2022 21:25

As far as the kids are concerned, the sooner the better.

You only have one life OP.

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 21:42

@Rosemist1988 I think the lack of sympathy for the OP is stemming from the fact that the OP just expects her DH to leave his home and children, because she doesn’t want him anymore.

“Compulsory Heterosexuality” has nothing to do with it, she’s trying to chuck him out, rather than leave herself. Imagine if this was reversed, everyone would be telling her that her DH is a pig and not to leave her home/children!

beastlyslumber · 19/09/2022 21:44

OP just expects her DH to leave his home and children, because she doesn’t want him anymore.

Well, yes. Unless you think that women should be forced to stay in marriages they don't want to be in? Should only men be able to divorce their wives? I think you might have fallen into a timewarp.

butterfliedtwo · 19/09/2022 21:46

She's free to divorce him. She can't dictate that he leaves the house just because that would be easier for her.

BattenburgDonkey · 19/09/2022 21:46

beastlyslumber · 19/09/2022 21:44

OP just expects her DH to leave his home and children, because she doesn’t want him anymore.

Well, yes. Unless you think that women should be forced to stay in marriages they don't want to be in? Should only men be able to divorce their wives? I think you might have fallen into a timewarp.

No, they think SHE should leave the home, because it’s her that wants to end the marriage. Because it’s a modern world and children can stay with their dads now.

beastlyslumber · 19/09/2022 21:51

Well I don't think it works like that, does it? It has to be decided fairly what's best for the children. That is almost never going to be the mum leaving the family home without them.

Original poster
SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 21:51

It’s not a modern enough world for him to have the kids as he leaves for work at 6am, works away every fortnight for days at a time and is never in until 7pm!

I do all the school runs and he wouldn’t be able to actually afford to pay a childminder to cover it all.

it’s really not about me wanting him to leave the house - I want to stay under the same roof for the children’s sakes more than anything.
I was just pointing out that I physically can’t leave this rental because I can’t get another one beg cause of such a low wage.

OP posts:
wb3 · 19/09/2022 21:58

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 21:51

It’s not a modern enough world for him to have the kids as he leaves for work at 6am, works away every fortnight for days at a time and is never in until 7pm!

I do all the school runs and he wouldn’t be able to actually afford to pay a childminder to cover it all.

it’s really not about me wanting him to leave the house - I want to stay under the same roof for the children’s sakes more than anything.
I was just pointing out that I physically can’t leave this rental because I can’t get another one beg cause of such a low wage.

Surely that's your problem not his?

ForgottenWhyImHere · 19/09/2022 21:58

My ex came out to me as bi after 18.5 years together, then said he was probably just gay, and we eventually separated after nine months of 'making it work'.

I was devastated. But, him ending our relationship turned out to be the best thing he ever did for me. It wasn't a fulfilling relationship. It was dysfunctional. There was no affection. I was not happy. I was constantly stressed and anxious because no matter what I did, he wasn't happy. He wasn't loving. But I didn't acknowledge all that until after.

What happens when you fall in love with someone else? Then you'll leave. Staying together for the kids until the gay partner meets someone else is very common. You are denying your husband (and yourself) the possibility of a real, honest and loving relationship with someone truly compatible.

Your husband can find help and support through Straight Partners Anonymous (information attached).

to be gay but stay with husband for the children?
Rosemist1988 · 19/09/2022 22:01

But people are acting like she’s choosing it.
all this ‘that’s your problem’ and ‘you’re breaking up the family.’
she probably doesn’t want to but her options are stay in a marriage where she doesn’t actually want the sex and the relationship isn’t right for her or leave. And the intimacy part is likely pretty untenable.
Straight women - imagine having to sleep with a woman. Don’t like the idea? There you are.

she’s not choosing it. Ideally she’d have realised earlier but there you go. She’s not had an affair or behaved poorly. She’s just realised she’s gay.

Overandunderit · 19/09/2022 22:03

What a sad life unlived you'll both have if you don't split. If you stay the resentment will eat away at both of you. Your poor kids.