to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

[SadSuzie]

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

It sounds very upsetting for all of you. It will all be raw at the moment. But ultimately, it is for the best. I think it was unfair for your husband to push you with an ultimatum. But I can understand he probably wanted clarity. I do think some counselling as a family would help a lot. You will all get through this and it will be okay.

Try and be less of a homophobe. It makes you look ugly.

I feel terrible about being the one to disrupt my children’s entire childhoods
The thought of them having a stepmum if he meets someone else is awful

I'm going to ask this again in view of the last comment. Did you really think he was just going to sit and wait while you took your time? Had you not thought that once it is all over he might not want another relationship?

Wondering how that person is homophobic for saying the husband deserves better? Surely he does he deserves a wife who wants to be his wife because she loves him in all senses.

just like op deserves to be with someone she actually loves in all senses rather than having to pretend she’s straight?

but he shouldn’t be forced out of his home when it’s a joint home because she ended the relationship. Normally the person who’s ending it leaves or gets kicked out.

Normally yes but it’s not possible when I do all the childcare and I can’t secure a rental property
I know it sounds mad for me to be heartbroken when it’s my “ choice “ but it doesn’t feel like a choice at all so i am devastated I’ve hurt him, my children and myself in the process of this realisation
Hence my initial question about staying as it’s all just so painful

I wonder this as well. He is likely to have a new relationship at some point, OP.

If you’re splitting up, things are going to change on the childcare and the relationship fronts, OP. Your husband may find that he needs to get a different job with less travel, for example. I wouldn’t assume you’re going to be stuck doing

Prob I’d there’s a lot of excuses op.

Say he left he would want his name off the tenancy rightly so, which means new tenancy which means you might not be allowed to stay anyway.

another example say you found a house, you’d get uc, plus some of childcare covered, you would still be expected to work more hours like a million other single mums. Councils have landlords that take council referral tenants.

you say you couldn’t say leave the kids with him because of his house, morbid but say god forbid you dropped dead, do you not think he would change hours, hire a nanny, her family to help etc. because he would because he would have to.

Its all excuses as to why YOU have to stay in that house.

Do you expect him to share a bed every night, lying to the whole world that his gay wife is really his straight wife? Do you expect him to never have a gf or have sex with a women again? Are you willing to never have a gf or ever have sex again with anyone?

Your sexuality is basically bugger all. You don’t want to be intimate or love your husband in that way anymore. That’s cool but don’t use being a lesbian as an excuse as for why it’s harder than a normal separation. You’ve fallen out of love. People move on.

Your sexuality is basically bugger all.

This thread is full of vile homophobia.

OP, maybe post again in relationships and we'll try to lose the homophobes and give you some actual support.

It's okay to be gay. You didn't do anything wrong.

It sounds like it's all very raw and painful for all of you right now, but it will get better. Practical questions like where you're all going to live will need to be sorted. I would get in touch with a solicitor as soon as possible, start getting things in order. As far as the emotional side of things is concerned, your kids will feel better when things are resolved. Uncertainty is horrible. You need to make sure they know they are loved by both of you, it's not their fault, and they still have a family. Family counselling can really help.

As for you and your husband, you may be able to come through this as friends. You will both meet people and move on in time.

This. If it is you it's vile. No one cares whether you're gay or straight but you sound so self-centred.

I think that it's the unrealistic expectations that are annoying posters. The expectation that the husband would move out, or be happy to stay for years and not himself want a relationship, he was described as a 'plodder' etc. It just comes across as very selfish no matter what the sexuality.

It’s not homophobic it’s saying her being gay straight or even bi has no actual relevance to the house living together or apart. It’s just a separation. Using being a gay as the reason is to pull at heart strings. Relationships fails every day for a multitude of reasons.

She’s already said that she isn’t the same poster.

Don’t most who get called out though. Either way she is expecting everything all her way with no budge.

If she wasn't gay she wouldn't be getting all this crap from people. If she just said she'd fallen out of love with her husband and he kept pushing her for a resolution and giving her an ultimatum, people would be more sympathetic. But she's gay, so you're all pissed off and think she's evil and that she should have to leave her home and kids.

She’s the one wanting to separate. The husband is at no fault here. His not done anything wrong. She’s fallen out of love for her own reason. There is nothing he could do to make her love him or improve their relationship. It’s pretty Simple. Gay or straight people fall out of love all the time. They don’t expect their partner who’s at no fault to bend over backwards for their will.

How is she expecting him to bend over backwards? This makes no sense. He said he wanted to stay together. He said he didn't believe her that she was gay. He said she either made a full commitment to him or she told the kids they were breaking up. I get that he's hurt but it seems like he was pushing pretty hard.

She isn't about to leave her kids and it's ridiculous that people expect her to. She and her husband need to work out the terms of their split and how they will deal with childcare. At the moment she will have to stay in the marital home because that's where the kids are. She is not saying her husband needs to leave, but if he is going to do 50% of the childcare he'll need to make some changes with his work.

None of that is unreasonable and people giving her a hard time and telling her to leave her kids are being completely unfair. Not just on her, but on her kids!

There is nothing remotely homophobic about saying that it isn't fair to her husband to stay with him under the circumstances or that the OP is responsible for her own housing and income. It sounds as though the husband has been trying to bury his head in the sand and pretend that nothing has changed. But obviously, things have changed. If the OP had simply said that she had fallen out of love with him and wanted to divorce for that reason, my responses would have been exactly the same.

@SadSuzieyour children are both school age. Many, many women work full time when they have children of their ages or younger. It is up to you to find housing that would make full-time work possible for you (or to find a job first and then secure housing). Your husband will of course be responsible for maintenance and care of the children, but there's no reason at all that he should fund you to stay in a house that is in such an inconvenient location that means your work options are limited.

Also, you mentioned that the idea of your children having a stepmum is "awful." Does that mean you are not planning to enter into a new relationship yourself? What would happen if you fall in love with someone and want to build a life with her?

@beastlyslumber the OP wanted to carry on living in the same house with him and all the benefits that went with that, but not have an intimate relationship with him. As I said before she called him a plodder and seemed to imply he would be OK with what she wanted because he wanted to see his children as usual. In other words she wants it all her own way, without thinking that he was unlikely to be agreeable to that. If both parties are happy then fine, but I would suggest that one will want more, and then the set up will fail. As I asked, did she not think he would look elsewhere and then what?

As @loislovesstewie says, although the other option for him seemed to be him moving out oh his own, while funding the op to carry on living in the family home, working only Part time and still having the same lifestyle as previously.

It doesn’t matter why this marriage is no longer working for the OP. The two partners in the marriage are no longer on the same page with regards to their shared goals and future. It happens all the time. The husband isn’t supposed to be more understanding because the op has declared a different sexuality instead of any of the other myriad reasons she might declare she is unhappy. His only real responsibility is to try and remain civil and prioritize the needs of their shared children. he is allowed to be personally angry and only cooperative to the minimum degree required.

Prioritising the needs of the children is ensuring they can get to and from school through is it not?
If he is unwilling to change his job / hours and wants me to continue doing all the school runs and having them in the holidays then this massively stops me from ever earning enough to afford 3 times the rental amount of a place!!!

you can force the issue on your employment. Find child care and pay for it out of the household budget which is the correct source for financing child care. Then seek full-time employment and improve your financial situation.

You need to bite the bullet and get sorted. Sort your finances, living arrangements and do it now.
This can’t last - you’re going to make everyone miserable including yourself.