to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

[SadSuzie]

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

She gets to choose her course of action.

Yes but they are both difficult choices.
I wish people would have a bit of empathy.

, @Rosemist1988 People fall out of love with their partners all the time and they have to work out how to best navigate this. Being gay or straight is irrelevant really, the bottom line is that she doesn’t want to be with her current partner and needs to figure out a way to separate from him.

They could separate as a couple and house share if that works for them-one of them may meet a new partner and want to leave eventually anyway.

But she can’t expect him to just leave his home and children right now, because she no longer wants him, he hasn’t hurt anyone or done anything anything to warrant this. The house is jointly rented and they both have a right to live there.

Your poor kids comment isn’t helpful - I feel dreadful about it and guilt ridden the entire time.
I hate myself for realising this in my mid 40s - it’s ridiculous I know.

You haven't actually done anything wrong.

It's okay to fall out of love with your partner. It's okay to be gay. It's okay to want to end your marriage.

But it's not okay to stay miserable in a marriage you don't want. You're not stuck. You just need to figure out how to make it possible to break up.

This is an absolutely insane thread and I think many posters have forgotten that they should both be considering foremost what is in the best interests of the children.

That is clearly not to move into a temporary hostel. It’s also clearly not to be left with a father who can’t physically take care of them, presumably with no ability to stay with the mum who had done 90% of the childcare because she can’t afford to rent somewhere. Therefore it’s not really that unreasonable to ask him to fund towards her living expenses while they work out the best way to move forward. It could be that she moves into town and a suitable school with wrap around care, or that he guarantors the rent while she gets herself on her feet and moves towards independence.

All of these solutions prioritise what’s in the best interest of the children, not the grievances of adults who feel hard done by by their spouse.

op - whether you can stay or not is something no one else can answer for you. I chose to leave in the same situation. I decided you only get one life, and I was ultimately condemning the children to a fake and mostly miserable childhood anyway if I chose to stay.

I won’t lie - its been horrific and we still aren’t through the actual divorce process nearly 2 years in. Most of that has been caused by him. I still haven’t actually had a girlfriend (or even a date!) but then I’m emotionally broken from the divorce so probably need to wait until I’m a bit stronger anyway.

I think the sexuality element of this thread is a distraction.

You got married. You don't love your husband any longer. This happens. When it happens some people get divorced. Others stick together in a different kind of co-parenting type relationship. There is no one right answer. It is up to you to work out between you. What you do need to remember though is that when you get married you make a serious commitment. I think the least you can do is try walking a mile in your husband's shoes and begin to understand how seismic your news would have been for him, how it would naturally make him emotionally less available etc. You clearly aren't communicating well at the moment, so. you need to look at options like marriage counselling. But be kind. Lots of women come on Mumsnet because of abusive relationships, unfaithful husbands and deadbeat dads. You have a lot to be grateful for.

It is cruel to stay with your husband and string him along. By remaining with him, you are giving him false hope that the relationship will return to what it used to be (presumably you used to love each other?). As PPs have said, it’s also terribly unfair to the children. They only get one childhood and I’m sure you want the best for them. But a childhood based on a false model of family life could be very damaging to them.

Living in a rural location is no reason not to become financially independent. If the rental house’s location is holding you back from earning more money, moving seems like the obvious solution. Of course if you get divorced your ex will have to pay maintenance or have the children 50% of the time. Either option means the financial responsibility will be divided between you.

I mean with the rental situation I cannot find anywhere that would take benefits and that’s what I would be using to pay the rent at least part of it as my wage is so low

I'm going to go against the grain. I feel desperately sorry for your poor, poor husband. But if you've told him and you've both decided to stay together for the children then....okay. No one else's business. I'm not sure what you want from this thread though as it's obvious from your responses you've made up your mind.

Has your husband always worked these long hours and days away? If you changed your hours could he then change his job to something more family friendly to provide proper 50/50 care?

He won’t change his job because this is my fault he says not his

What do you want to be told, OP? Obviously if you really are gay you need to break up. It'll be shit but realising this kind of thing so late in the day will always be shit.

Because your earnings are low, you don’t intend to increase them and the financial burden falls on his shoulders?

So what do you want? Do you want him to move out, pay a generous amount of child support and let you have everything in the house so you are not inconvenienced? For goodness sake, just get a plan going so that in a reasonable time frame you can move out and move on. You come up with excuses for everything.
If you don't love him and don't want to be married to him then it's up to you to take the initiative. Yes, it will be difficult but surely better than what you have now.

I voted that YABU because in your first post you didn't say he knew you were gay. However if both of you want to stay together then I see absolutely no problem with it as long as you are both honest. If he's not a very emotional person and not that bothered on sex and you benefit financially and stability wise, you love him and get on well, and you both adore the children and want to give them the most stable upbringing you can - then why not have a platonic relationship if that works for you both.

What makes this messy IMO is that he's not prepared to talk about it and work out how you can navigate this so it's works ok for you both. If his biggest fear is losing the children then maybe you could approach it from that angle - I want the kids to have the stability of us being together as a family, I love you and I enjoy us all doing things together (if that's true!), so although I'm gay I'd really like us to live together and continue to parent as we are currently. I'm not looking for anyone else but I want the relationship to be platonic, I'm ok with cuddles and being affectionate (if that's true or say whatever is/isn't going to work for you) but I need you to be willing to talk about this so we can work out how we can make it work for both of us.

I love him hence why I want to be able to make this work
Im just scared of living like this knowing full well I’m gay and I’m yearning for the closeness and affection in a lesbian relationship
Im prepared to do it for the sake of the children - he gets so upset at the thought of us breaking up and living apart that I also feel I’m doing this for him

Not every lesbian relationship is the same, though, OP, just as not every hetero relationship is. Some people are close and emotional with their partners, others get more emotional support from friends and family.

It sounds as if you simply want a different partner, which is fine. But there's no point remaining married.

I feel utter devastation at breaking up my sons family life.
ive told them everything and they hate me.

Told who everything?

What happened, OP?

My husband said I had to either be fully committed to it all which includes stopping this silly idea of thinking I’m gay or be honest and tell the children.
Its all such a massive massive mess now and I can’t fix it.

It'll be okay. It sounds like you've rushed into this/been pushed into it, rather than the two of you planning out what you would say and what was going to happen and how and when. So your kids are going to be feeling destabilised and worried. I think it would be wise to get some family counselling asap.

To be fair this has been coming a long time really - I just couldn’t get myself back on track with him properly.
He started disbelieving where I was going as felt there must be someone else for me to think like this - there wasn’t.
I just hate the children being affected by a decision I’ve made - if feels so so utterly selfish which is why I had convinced myself staying until they were much older was for the best.
I do love him, I completely do.
When I see him upset I can feel my heart breaking, but I don’t have the connection to have intimacy with him or closeness at all.

Poor guy. He deserves better.